So not to sound paranoid, but I’m pretty sure babies are following me. Wait, let me back up.
It seems that it has been just long enough since I had my last baby that I have forgotten how uncomfortable I was at 40 weeks pregnant (more like from weeks 21-40…) and how much I really, really love sleeping. No, really.
When we finally go on vacations it will be a nice, even number of people. If there are only two children then my husband and I will never be outnumbered!
We won’t have that awkward experience of having to make one person (let’s be honest, it would be Dad) sit by themselves on the roller coasters, or having to purchase a larger vehicle so that we can fit all of our kids in it. No, I mean without having to hear the “He’s touching ME!” “She touched ME first!!”
And I don’t even want to think about having to drag all of them with me to the grocery store. Aat least with just two I can stick one in the seat and one in the cart and both are accounted for!
Back to the stalker babies. At first I thought it was like when you are more aware of something, you start to notice it more often. Like when we bought our new-to-us car (a 2006! Yay!) and I suddenly started seeing silver Chryslers everywhere, so I had to run out to buy a bumper sticker just so I would know which one was mine.
I know it sounds crazy, but I’m serious: BABIES ARE FOLLOWING ME!
Everywhere I go babies are staring me down like they KNOW I’ve got the fever. It’s nuts.
I thought it was simply because of where I was seeing them, such as the grocery store. I mean, they SELL baby items there, of course you’re going to see babies at the store! (Mental note: start writing out explicit shopping lists and talk husband into doing the grocery shopping. With both kids.)
Or at the gymnasium where my son goes for tumbling class. Well, I mean, what else is that other mom to do but bring her darling, extremely alert and interactive baby with her while her other child tumbles and her baby hones in on my brain?!
But no, it’s not just me. They’re everywhere. And what’s even worse: they know.
They stare me down and throw on their toothless charm. Sooooooo uncool, babies. Actually it’s really cool because it’s making me feel super warm and fuzzy all over, but GAHHHH!
I have some serious conspiracy theories on this. I think they even know when I’m ovulating.
It doesn’t help that I have girlfriends that will post excruciatingly adorable videos of babies on my Facebook wall… such as this one:
I even have examples. Like when my oldest was throwing a fit at the grocery store and my gaze drifted over to this tiny, happy baby just drawing me in… so even though I have this tantrumming (new word I just made up) three-year-old being belligerent in front of me, I’m standing there like a goober waving and cooing at this five month old… what the hell is wrong with me?
Or when I went to my oldest son’s preschool orientation (I honestly wasn’t prepared for all the hullabaloo that comes with kids starting school… I think my instruction manual got lost in the mail… both times…) where from five rows up a baby targeted me and made eyes with me throughout the entire presentation, trying to trick me with it’s delighted, yet quiet, squeaks of contentment.
You can’t fool me, baby, I told it with my eyes, any minute now you’re going to get fed up with this boring talking and sitting business and have a good freak out and snap me back into reality. But the baby didn’t freak out. Not once. This lasted an hour. That baby had game.
Maybe it’s because my oldest is starting his first year of preschool and says things like, “Can I have some privacy?” and “I can’t talk right now, Mommy. I’m reading.”
Perhaps it’s because my baby (okay, 14 month old…) looked like a soap opera style newborn when he came out. (He was born at 10.9 lbs and weighing in at 31lbs now) All of a sudden he’s a toddler who can run and speak. Not just “first words” but actual words of protest and sass.
It could be because I am still dreaming about that cute little girl that I can dress up whenever I want or color coordinate to my heart’s content, and apparently my husband can only produce boys. We’re two for two and I have already seen from a few families how many boys you can end up with from vain attempts to have just one little girl.
Let it be known, Babies of the World (or at very least Northwest Ohio), that I am totally. onto. you. You can send your little, adorable troops out in droves, bombard me during my errands with your tiny giggles and precious hand claps. Without giving away too much of my defensive strategies, it might dismay you to know that I take birth control… when I remember to take it and it isn’t a weekend. (Why are things so much more difficult to remember on Saturday and Sunday?)
Or that I don’t even NEED to have sex (on a regular basis) to be happy. Shhh… they’re babies… they don’t know about my small, vibrating secret weapon!
I admit it, you’re precious, you make me go all woozy on the inside when I see you and my brain stops functioning at the proper levels.
I forget about all the crying, the sleep deprivation, the lack of showers or proper meals and all I can think about is how amazing you must smell.
How I just want to sit in a chair and hold you while you sleep.
Hold on, hold on, I’m losing track of what I’m saying here.
This isn’t over yet, babies. I’m not saying I’ve won, but you haven’t defeated me yet! I’ve yet to catch a shower on a regular basis.
Maybe once I forget how badly I stink after a few days of marinating you’ll have better luck. (Try back in about six months.)
Until then, I’ll see your sweet, little face at the store.
*Mama Queenly is a wife to her best friend of 15 years and SAHM to two young boys in Midwest, USA. Her passions include, but are not limited to: writing, cooking, baking, and all kinds of music (both recorded and live). Having had both an induced, med free vaginal birth in a hospital and a birth center transfer turn emergency cesarean, she has very strong interests in pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. She shares the belief that knowledge is our best defense when fighting for our basic rights and feels that she has much to share with other women about her own experiences. “If you have knowledge, let others light their candles at it.