“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought.” – George Orwell
I woke up in a daze and headed to go to the bathroom for the 3rd time that morning. I couldn’t believe it was already the 3rd trip this morning, come on, I was only 12 weeks pregnant. The baby isn’t that big. I finish and go to wipe. I notice its slimy, I turn on the light too look. Blood… I wipe again, more blood. It just keeps coming. I just start to sob. I know in my heart this baby is no longer with me but I try to hold out hope. Where is my phone?
I go to get my cell phone and wake up my husband and tell him. He isn’t there. I forgot, he is at work. It is then start to panic. Then I hear my son in the other room starting to cry. I felt myself starting to break down. I kept repeating “Hold it together, hold it together. Don’t loose it now”. I get Lucas a bottle and pretty much ignore him. Its all I can do at that moment.
I go into my room to try to find my cell phone. I find it and call Naval Hospital (At the time my husband was in the Navy). The Corpsman in the office answered the phone. I remember the conversation verbatim still after 5 and a half years.
Me: “Hi, I am 12 weeks pregnant and I woke up to go pee and there is blood. It won’t stop”
Corpsmen: “Is it a lot of blood or just a small pool? Have you had sex recently?”
Me: “It is a small pool, and yes we did two nights ago. My husband just got home from deployment”.
Corpsmen: “Well its probably from that”
Me: “I actually had a dream last night I was going to miscarry. I want to come in for a U/S.”
Corpsmen: “I’m sorry, we can’t do that. If you are miscarrying there is nothing we can do. I think you are miscarrying though. It says here in your chart you already have GD (Gestational Diabetes , so I will cancel your future appointments and call us back if you haven’t passed the baby in a week or if the bleeding gets too bad or you spike a fever” (BTW I didn’t have GD).
After she spoke those words, the world stopped. My soft sobs quickly changed into pure anger. How dare she say those words to me.
Me : “There is a LOT you can do. You can reassure me that my baby is either okay, or that my baby is passed on. Either way, you get me a ultrasound today in your office or I am going to the ER. I will have an ultrasound today and I will make sure my baby is okay.”
She made me an appointment for just an hour from then. I got dressed, got Luke ready and headed in. I was such a mess. I still couldn’t get a hold of my husband at work. My mom had no idea what to say and she wasn’t any help 2 hours away.
I was alone, scared, angry, and so hurt.
Finally they called me back. I took off my pants….. still blood. I cleaned up as best I could for the transvaginal U/S. The midwife came in she looked around and took a few pictures. All she said was “There is no heartbeat, I will be right back”.
She brought in another midwife. She grabbed the wand and checked. “Yup, no heartbeat”. And walked out. No introductions, nothing. The first midwife told me to get dressed, they needed me to go to another machine and to the doctor to confirm it again.
I wasn’t even in my body at this point, I didn’t want to be. My 6 month old son was screaming at me. I STILL couldn’t get a hold of my husband and these “professionals” had reduced me down to nothing.
I walked into the doctors side of the office. It was this HUGE room, all white and a big machine. It reminded me of a chair at the dentist but completely overkill. She walked in and told me her name. She brought one of the midwives in to take Luke for a second. She looked at me, hugged me and said “I am so sorry”.
That was the first time someone said “I’m sorry”. I knew she meant it. I knew the words that were coming out of her mouth were full of love and caring. My entire body relaxed a few degrees. I no longer felt like I was going to break in two.
It turned out that my baby boy had died at about 6 weeks. It was a missed miscarriage. I was still only 6 months PP from having my son Lucas. After the miscarriage I developed severe PPD. Although I didn’t know it for quite awhile.
Words are extremely powerful things. I know you have probably heard the old saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Yeah, I did too and that old saying is full of it. Words can hurt. What is said or not said to you in the wrong or even the right moment can affect so much of you.
I still wonder to this day if I had been treated with love and respect from the beginning if my PPD would not have been as severe as it was.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the loss of my second child. I love him so incredibly much. Although I just have to look at my life now, his hands are in so much of what I do today. Its amazing how one little life can change so much, and help lead you to your path.
Please, please be kind with your words.