I Am Strong {Casey}

by Alisia on April 3, 2013

[Trigger Warning: This story is about a micro-premmie twin birth and loss.]

I am strong because I knew, at 26 weeks, I needed to go to the hospital despite not feeling a single contraction. When the doctor told me I was 9cm, baby a was stuck in my birth canal, and we needed to get to the OR immediately, I panicked, and went into absolute hysterics. But I’m strong because when the anesthesiologist told me I had to be strong for my babies because they could sense my fear, I immediately calmed myself.

I’m strong because two days after an emergency c-section, I rode 80 miles to be with my girls, despite the pain. I am strong because they showed me an unimaginable strength. Their will to survive was awe inspiring, even with tubes, wires, and a ventilator, they fought.

I am strong because, at 11 days old, our baby B, Alexandra, contracted NEC, and we had to make the unthinkable decision to take her off life support. I am strong because my fiance and I held her and each other for hours, singing to her, loving her, telling her she was beautiful. I am strong, not because my daughter died, but because, for 11 days, she had lived and fought and showed me exactly the kind of person I wanted to be.

I am strong because we made that trip to the hospital for 97 days, fearing the setbacks, but rejoicing in every gram our surviving twin gained. We watched her go from 1lbs 12 oz to 5lb 14oz. We watched her take out her vent tube, her CPAP machine, and her oxygen cannula, on her own, to keep the nurses on their toes, and to show them that she wasn’t giving up her fight.

I am strong because I pumped for 14 weeks to provide my daughter with the best nutrition I could, and when my breasts stopped responding to the pump, I held my head high, knowing I could still be an amazing mom no matter what Samantha ate. I’m strong because I had dreamed about the amazing experience of a natural twin birth, tandem nursing twins, and all the things I would do with them, but I overcame the overwhelming depression and post traumatic stress when things didn’t happen that way.

I am strong because on day 97, I carried my baby out of that hospital knowing she would need a ton of attention and care, knowing that her extreme prematurity may have causedĀ irreversibleĀ damage, but giving thanks to a higher power that I could bring her home at all.

I am not always strong, but I am always finding strength in my weaknesses. I am strong because of the fact that I was and am humbled by the absolute strength and determination of two tiny little girls weighing less than 2 lbs a piece. I am strong because I want to be, so that I can be the best mother and person possible for my two living daughters and my angel baby.

The girls

603977_10101068075515358_253134347_n

485049_10151351347598640_451290417_n

69241_10151358368078640_1889065465_n

Share/Bookmark

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Laura April 3, 2013 at 9:02 pm

Truly amazing story of strength and love!

Reply

serenity April 3, 2013 at 9:22 pm

*Tears* You are strong for sharing your story. Thank You!

Reply

Nikole Puroll April 3, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Thank you for sharing. You make me feel strong too <3

Reply

AMummysLife April 3, 2013 at 9:46 pm

Thank you for sharing! You went through so much but are such a strong woman!

Reply

Gwen April 3, 2013 at 10:25 pm

You are strong, every day. You have courage and outstanding perseverance. You are the very best momma for your tiny Samantha, and will honor her sister by being the woman who you are every minute. Your bravery and vulnerability are beacons of hope for others. Cry when you feel the need, knowing your tears show tremendous love and not one drop of weakness.

Reply

Jenna April 3, 2013 at 10:26 pm

I’m sorry for your loss. What a powerful post. All the best to you!

Reply

Kelly July 7, 2013 at 6:06 pm

Our children are very often our strength, and in your case double so. Wishing you and your daughter every good thing. I’m certain she will often be told of her sister’s strength and the fierceness of her fight, and how much they both are loved. Thank you so much for sharing this story.

Reply

Bri July 7, 2013 at 6:21 pm

Love and continued strength.

Reply

Beth July 7, 2013 at 6:34 pm

G-d bless you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing this story. You are indeed strong – you are an inspiration!!!

Reply

Monica July 7, 2013 at 8:29 pm

I share a similar story. Except I was able to birth vaginally. I birthed a live twin and a stillborn twin, both girls. I plan on sharing my full story soon someday. I am expecting a rainbow baby in October this year. We are having a boy. …… Your strength allows me to see my own strength. Losing a child is difficult. Losing a twin is a unique difficult. It’s like having half the gift taken away from you.
I feel not so alone knowing I am not the only mom whom lost a twin, and it being girls as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss.
Monica

Reply

Lisa July 7, 2013 at 8:43 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. Our lives don’t always work out the way we plan them, but you are an amazing strong mom and you will raise your daughter to be the same way.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: