“I’ve debated telling this story. I’m afraid of being judged and perhaps even… yelled at. But my story is just as important as yours. My story is the one that no one talks about. My story is about being pregnant with a mental illness.” -B
My story starts a good 10 years ago, when I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. In a nut shell, Borderline Personality disorder is all encompassing. Its not usually diagnosed, and some psychiatrists don’t even believe its exists. It includes things like fear of abandonment, mistrust, harmful thoughts, and fast moving emotional thought process that I have no control over. I have very little control over what I think, do, and how I react to things emotionally. Medication makes things easier, but these things will always be a struggle for me. Anyways…
At that time I had no future. The world was dark. No one cared and everyone else was a hypocrite. I had no future. And honestly it was only a matter of time, before the drugs, alcohol, and cutting caught up to me. Sooner or later… and I didn’t care that much.
Then I met my husband. He held my hand and offered me a choice. Did I want to continue being miserable, angry and alone, or did I want the future he was offering me? With a career, and a home and maybe even a baby? I had always wanted a baby. If I wanted that, I had to start medication. That was my choice. I was tired of all of it, and I had nothing to loose, so I chose him.
I was stable for 3 years. Properly medicated with regular therapy and we both felt it was time to have a baby. We wanted a baby and we knew it would be hard. We knew it would be hard because of my illness, but we decided as a team to take the risk. We wanted a baby boy. Maybe it was selfish to want something so badly, especially since I knew I would not be able to go off my medication. My psychiatrist assured me it was safe though, so we quadrupled my folic acid intake to counter act the medication I was already on. And within a few weeks I was pregnant!
We were thrilled. Nervous, scared. We were parents. There was life growing inside me!!!
This lasted all of 2 weeks. Then I got sick.
Typical pregnancy symptoms I was told. They will pass, “you have life growing inside you”. Not so simple for someone like me. For the first 3 months, I was so nauseous I couldn’t eat. I lost 15lbs. Luckily I had enough to spare. Something as simple as not being able to eat was hard for my mind to accept. I cried often.
The second trimester was worse. “Its ok, it’ll pass, its just part of being pregnant, you have life growing inside you!!” I had a migraine for 3 months straight. Nothing I did alleviated the pain. It only went away when I was sleeping and I wasn’t sleeping all that well either. I cried because I was in pain and tired.
Please don’t misunderstand. Of course I had moments of elation. Every time he moved. Every time we listened to music together and he danced. We still dance! He amazed me. He was growing inside me and it truly is an amazing thing! These moments gave me the strength to carry him longer then I wanted to. These moments were very special for me.
The third trimester, although relieved by the fact that finally after 12 weeks my migraine had went away and I was able to eat again, now the depression kicked in. I hadn’t slept in God knows how long, I was miserable every single day, I ached everywhere I could hardly move. I cried every day because I felt so sick of life. My mental illness had taken over my thought processes, and more then once I threatened to cut my baby out of me! People thought it was funny for me to say that. “You have life growing inside of you. It’ll all be worth it in the end.” They all said. But I had never had a baby before, I didn’t know what they meant, and as far as I was concerned at that point, nothing was worth the pain I was feeling physically and emotionally. I was so unhappy and so depressed and my thought processes were so disturbed. I felt bad for how I was feeling because I knew my son could tell. Every time I cried he got quiet and I knew he knew how I felt about him. So I also felt ashamed. I should love my baby. I grew him and he’s special, but I didn’t. I didn’t even like him anymore! He had put me through a lot already and I was very angry at him.
At 40 weeks 2 days I called my doctor and begged him to induce me. Once again stating that I was totally serious about cutting him out myself. He finally obliged and I was scheduled for an induction the next day. I was so incredibly grateful! The induction worked and within a few hours I was in full labour!
It hurt like a bitch but I was so happy to finally be in the final stretch of things. Morphine, epidural yes please!
Time is a daze but I think I was in labour for about 14 hours before I started pushing. The nurse has mentioned that I could up the epidural so I did and by 9:00am I was ready to start pushing but I couldn’t feel anything so I did the best I could.
My doctor showed up and tried to vacuum. It didn’t work, it fell off 3 times and baby wasn’t bugging. Finally he concluded that baby was stuck and we had to have an emergency c-section. Up until this point I was doing fine. My mood had elevated for obvious reasons and I was in the home stretch! This baby that had been tormenting me for 40 weeks would soon be out and maybe then we could start our relationship over.
They said C-section and everything changed. Now I got scared. I turned to my husband and said, “can you call my parents?” Now I was crying, for the first time throughout the entire labour. I had prepared myself for everything except that. Everyone told me that I had the hips to birth a baby, but my baby was now stuck between them and was not coming out on his own.
So they did the c-section and everything went smoothly. I was embarrassed because I was laying on the table completely naked and exposed. Nothing covered except my head, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I pushed it down like I had pushed all my feelings and emotions down for so long and just let them do what they had to do.
They tugged and pulled and the anesthesiologist commented over and over again, “just a little bit more tugging.” I guess baby was really stuck. I felt my body move with each tug, but they eventually got him out and he cried and we were happy. I was so happy he was finally out!
My husband held him for the first half hour while they stitched and stapled me up. My parents came right away because the C-section was a shock to them too. Apparently my mother was hysterical, “my baby is being cut open!!!”. So they held him too. I don’t remember if they held him before me. I wasn’t opposed to it. I guess I was happy. I was more relieved.
The one thing I remember is how invasive the nurses were. They wanted to put me on Demerol so I would stop shaking because of course by this time my body had gone into shock. My OB said no right away (the one good thing about the entire experience) and just put me under a heated blanket. Within half hour my shaking had stopped.
As the nurses cleaned me up, my body completely numb and still fat from pregnancy, one of them commented on my scars. I have about a dozen that are noticeable because of my mental illness and the first thing I thought was, didn’t you read my file? Must I explain this to you? But I quickly did. Calmly. It was not what I needed to hear, nor was it something I wanted to explain at that precise moment. I mean I had just had a baby literally ripped from my body. Clean me up and keep your comments to yourself!
Well from here on in, nothing went right. I didn’t sleep for 4 day, because they insisted on having a bright night light on all night long. I was exhausted! Baby wasn’t eating and was unable to nurse because my milk refused to come in. I looked and felt like shit and this baby would not stop crying! We supplemented. We had to.
Because of all the drugs, my face broke out in cold sores. I’m prone to them to begin with, I get them quite seriously actually but this time, I had over a hundred! I had them in my eyes, on my cheeks, on my nose, my chin. The glands in my neck had swelled up so much I could hardly move my head, and since the herpes virus can actually kill newborns, I was restricted in how often I could hold my baby. Needless to say, we did not bond..
Now the depression hit a high. We were finally home, still not breastfeeding, or sleeping. I couldn’t move because of the surgery, he was crying because he was so hungry. I was crying because in my mind, I was a failure. I couldn’t birth my baby, I couldn’t feed my baby, I couldn’t even hold my baby. I said to my husband, “if your’e holding him, who’s holding me? ” And I meant it! I felt so incredibly alone and shameful. I thought often of just stuffing the baby in the freezer. Often. If it wasn’t the freezer it was the washing machine… Often. And that scared me. In my screwed up mind, this baby was the cause of everything bad that had happened for the last 42 weeks of my life and if he just wasn’t here anymore… I felt horrible. What made me feel worse was the fact that I knew he knew exactly how I felt and it was obvious that he didn’t trust me.
I still cried every day. It was a very difficult time for my husband. I put on a brave face for all the family that came to visit us, but as soon as we were alone everything fell apart….
So here’s where the story gets better.
We were sitting on the couch one night, just hanging out watching tv. He was 2 weeks old, and I just looked at him. This was the first time I had actually just looked at him. He looked back and I said, “there is something so familiar in your eyes.” As I looked harder, I realized he had my eyes. I was looking into a mirror! My heart melted. I said, “I guess you aren’t so bad…maybe this isn’t your fault.” And his glare did not faultier. “Can we start over?” And turned his head and started rooting, “You want to try just one more time?” So for the first time I nursed him.
He latched and he drank big gulps and he looked at me and I could tell that for the first time he forgave me. He understood and I promised him then that no matter what I thought, no matter what the voices told me to do I wouldn’t do them. He trusted me now and I couldn’t betray that. The thoughts haunt me on a daily basis even now but he trusts me and he loves me and he cuddles me and he forgave me and now he doesn’t even remember and as time goes by, the thoughts dwindle and they aren’t as strong. That night I fell in love with my son for the first time. He looks just me, so how couldn’t I love him.
Some days for me are harder then others. My son is my reason now. My reason to stay strong, to take my medication and to go to therapy. He needs me to do these things not only for myself but for him. Every time I look into his milk chocolate eyes, my eyes, I’m reminded of where I was, where I could be and where I am now I’m more confident as a mom and more secure as a woman, and its all because of him. I’m so lucky. My husband has been incredibly supportive throughout this entire journey and I have him to thank as well.
I still don’t know how I’m going to explain things to him as he gets older. Why I need to take medication, what the scars mean, why I get so angry sometimes or cry uncontrollably, and why I can’t control certain aspects of my emotions. I don’t know. But I figure I’ll just take every day as it comes. As a blessing. I grew him inside me. He’s mine and regardless of how I felt about him in the beginning, its not how I feel about him now. He’s the absolute love of my life and I tell him every single day.
Recommended Reading
The Harshe Podcast – Episode #57: FYI: Cesarean Birth is Birth!
The Harshe Podcast – Episode #56: Cesarean Birth Without Fear
My CBAVBAC – Cesarean Birth After VBAC
Emily’s Birth Story
Finding Healing in a C-Section
I Am Strong {Emily Weber}
Pregnant with Cancer {I Am Strong}
Loving My Body {One Scar at a Time}
“There was no fear” {Preemie Cesarean Birth}
I Am Strong {Cesarean Birth and Attempted VBAC}
94 Comments
Mia
Your story couldn’t have came at a more perfect time in my life. To hear real emotion and just brutal honesty took more courage than most people can imagine. I’m a mother of 2 that I had in my early 20’s, I’ve suffered a lifetime of a life almost identical to yours, minus the cutting. I never knew I had BPD until a few years ago, although, as I got into my 30’s I knew something was not right. I’ve taken so many medications, none worked. Finally, one worked and I’ve had the most amazing 4 years of my life, for the most part. I met someone who I have married and we have decided to start a family. We did our first round of IVF and I had to get off of my medication a couple of months prior. The whole process was wonderful and went smoothly the entire way. I ended up having a positive pregnancy test but miscarried @ 5 weeks. We thought we would do A frozen embryo transfer the next cycle we could so I chose to stay off of my medication. Well, a month in, my life started to fall apart. I was once again destroying the relationships all around me. Just as I did all the years prior to the medication. So with the help of my doctors and psychiatrist, we decide that it was best to get back on my medication to get my life back on track and put off my transfer for a little while. During the time I was off, I tried natural remedies, yoga, acupuncture, massage, you name it, I tried it! Nothing worked! All the uncontrollable thoughts that race through the brain with a person suffering with BPD is something no one can understand unless they have it. You honestly can’t control the thoughts, no matter how hard you try. It’s sad! So, long story short, I’m on my medication and just going to see how things go for a while and try a few other routes before doing another transfer. I knew I had to do something or creating a life with someone and destroying that life wouldn’t be what you want to bring a new child into. Not fair for that child. Unfortunately, I suffered tons with my first 2 pregnancies and had the same bonding issues with my 2nd child who was a c-section. It was completely different than my first natural birth and the depression afterwards was just as bad. I thought that what I was feeling was normal for a mom with 2 small kids. Little did I know, it can be helped! So, now that I’ve spilled my guts to everyone, I just want to say thank you for sharing your story as you’ve given me a light and hope that I need. We may or may not be able to have the child we are desiring in our lives but we are mature enough to make the best decisions so that we do not put a child at risk on any level. Tha kd agin for this!
Julia
this story really touched my heart. Im a 18 and in my second trimester of pregnancy with the father of my son in jail. I have BPD, PTSD, and ADHD. my mental illnesses seemed to not being my life too much so about a half a year ago I had weened off them. now that im going through this pregnancy especially alone. I find alot of my old demons coming after me as well. reading your story made me flood tears because ive felt all the similar feelings, thank you so much for writing this because I find it hard to find the strength in living but I must not ever forget what it will be like to have my son in my arms for the first time. I wish you the best of luck on your future (:
Megan
This is such a beautiful story. Regardless of illness what we do how we act who we are our children love us unconditionally. And we have all had thoughts. And then we just fall in love and it changes.
Courtney
Thank you SO much for sharing. I am a mom with bipolar. Our experiences may have been different but the need for understanding is the same.
Anon
This is a beautiful story, of so much pain and courage. As a mother with a long history of depression (and possibly bipolar) dealing with an unplanned third pregnancy that has met with family disapproval, thank you. Thank you, for being brave enough to share. Pregnancy isn’t always joyful. Life with a baby – and not just a new baby – can be hard. Medication has never worked for me, but I’m constantly aware of the impact my illness has on my family. Thank you for making me feel like my decision to have children is still somehow legitimate, acceptable, despite what many would say.
Emily
You are a brave brave Mama!
Skye
Thank you so much for sharing. You are so brave! And your son is so beautiful! God bless you and your family!
Christene Thaller
Thank you for sharing I don’t have a diagnosed mental illness, but I do suffer from depression, and am not medicated for it, also anxiety. Some days I don’t even want to pick up my screaming baby boy, and I want my older boy to just go away. But deep deep down in my heart I would die if any thing happened to my boys………thank you again for sharing your story.
Zuzana
Good luck with everything! When I was a child they diagnosed me with bipolar too but I didn’t accept it as a reason why. I know how you feel, how it feels, the thoughts and everything, but I said no. I don’t have a diagnosis. Everything is some part of me and if us not working for good it means there is a disharmony out there. It took me long and diffucult years to get it under control so I could live a normal life. It kicked me hard, sometimes but I didn’t give up. I took it as a chance to learn something about myself. I believe every illness is trying to tell us something and you can cure yourself. Now I have a 7 month old baby. Pregnancy wasn’t easy sometimes, when she was born I struggled too and a lot. I had sick thoughts, I felt bad, but I still keep going and I know one day I will be in peace and harmony. So can everybody else. Heal themself. Good luck with everything. 🙂
Katia
I’m in tears. If you pushed everything aside & decided to try again…my son & I can get past this hurdle and move on with nursing. Thank you for sharing. My respect to you!
Shayna
Thanks for sharing your story. You’re incredibly brave and there’s no doubt in my mind that you are a great mother. Don’t forget that. You don’t just deal with the challenges of raising a little one you also struggle with your own mind on a daily basis. This makes parenting even more challenging at times, and I think you are a super hero.
Brittney
You are one brave momma for sharing your story!
Brooke
Thank you so much for sharing something so powerful and also so private. I can’t quite put into words how much your story touched me, but I’ve come from a similar place and I think you’re doing amazing. Thank you again.
Rosie
Thank you so much for your courage to share your story with strangers. I’m in tears reading it because I really connected with you, I haven’t been diagnosed with an illness but can relate with deep fears of abandonment, the unknown and mistrust due to different traumatic experiences from my childhood. Mental, emotional health are a constant challenge for me. I’m not a mom yet but am a doula and babies, mommies and birth are very dear to my heart. I hope I can be as brave and courageous as you one day to say yes to marriage and a baby and trust God. Thank you for your example and for sharing!
Rosie.
Rosie
Forgot to add, you are very beautiful and your baby is so beautiful and adorable:)
Ashlie
The raw emotion, and honesty in this story really pulled at my heart strings! A baby is NEVER easy but what you went through was extra hard, I am so sorry you had to feel the way you did, but also SO proud of you for over coming it and turning into an amazing momma! He Is so handsome 🙂
Yanya
Your story was SO amazing! I can’t thank you enough for sharing. I also suffer from mental illness and am TTC. Stories like yours give me hope that even if things aren’t going right in the beginning they can (and will) get better.
Kimberley Jurdison
I could’ve written this myself. I know those feeling. I’m bipolar. I struggle with my emotions on a daily basis. I’m 17 weeks pregnant and my son is almost 4. He is my reason for breathing. I haven’t been able to tell anyone the thoughts I had about him throu my horrific PPD, and some days are still bad, especially with pregnancy hormones. But he hugs me and brings me his blanket when I cry and takes care of me. You are so incredibly strong. Your story brought me to tears and I hope all is well with you and your son. You are not alone. I understand. I’m cring to hard to comment anymore, but feel so connected to you. You are so brave and strong. Much love to you xoxo
Sarah-Jayne
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand how you feel and I almost didn’t realise that someone else felt and experiened similar feelings and emotins. I suffer with severe ocd including intrusive thoughts and depression. Thankyou for being so brave and honest. a
Katie sB
Thank you for sharing your story. Really inspiring. You are very brave.
Rabbit
i really have to thank you so much for writing this. i know it can be hard to reveal such honesty & emotion. i’m 22 weeks pregnant now and was feeling sheer cold terror pulsate through my body on a daily basis, fearing that i wouldn’t connect or even couldn’t connect because of my mental illnesses (BPD & PTSD along with a bunch of minor things that tend to go along with the two). i’ve been in therapy for a while and have been totally committed to changing my thoughts & behaviours for the better, but still i was so, so scared. reading your story has, for the past few days, put me at such ease that i’m starting to connect with my son as he’s beginning to kick inside my belly. i feel reassured that things will be okay and that is helping me feel connected to the present & people around me. thank you again~!!
Patty
Hi Rabbit,
I want to reassure you that you will connect and love your child and everything will be perfect. It even says in the bible, ” can a mother forget her child?” I’m confident that you will bond and love it tenderly and the baby will be the one to pull you through the hard times. It will be a baby of healing. I know because it happened to me. It means so much to snuggle a baby as you go thru hard times. It’s bonding and soothing to care for another and you will find a huge satisfaction caring for your little one. God bless you, dear girl!
kelle hyde
wow. this story moved me to tears. i have bpd and am currently pregnant with my first child!! your story really touched my heart, it makes me realise that no matter how hard it seems, how scared i am, how angry and insecure i get, how i doubt myself and my abilities to bring this child up the best i can, that even after all this, the love i will feel for my child will be much bigger than all of these things combined. its a relief that however messed up i am that my child will hopefully understand and love me regardless. i get terrified that i will damage my child somehow by being crazy, unstable, an emotional wreck, but after reading this i just have more hope that i can and will be the best mum i can be and that it is possible for people with bpd to make it in life and bring up a child successfully, lovingly and honestly. thankyou so much for sharing this touching story. i wish all the best for you and your beautiful little boy!!!!x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Sonia lopes
I’m bpd too! But at times I desagree with diagnose.are u still taking meds? What meds are u taking? Did u ever suffer from allucinations?? I got emotional with ur story.
Gem
Reading this just made me so emotional, you must be so brave going through it all and eventually getting the right outcome. I have bpd and im 15 weeks pregnant, and ive been miserable the hole time, then I split with the babies dad because he was making me miserable. But it hasnt gotten better. Reading this has made me hopeful that no matter how hard it gets it will be worth it and I will be able to bond with my child. And that I can do this. Well done to you.
kaitlin
Im so glad to hear things can turn out okay, thankyou.
Aimee
Thank you for sharing your story it has help me xox
Casey
This was wonderful.
Casey
I have bpd and am 9 weeks pregnant. I’ve debated over and over whether to keep it. I’m so scared. Your story has helped clarify my decision. I can relate so much to how you felt, we even look alike lol Thanks for sharing this wonderful story.
Shelly
Your story gave me the shivers! I m in my second trimester and I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for 12 years I am convinced I am bdp but no one ever really confirmes it even though I have been through a fair share of doctors therapists and psychiadrists. I am really really depressed and I know some of you will look down on my and think I am selfish because in reality I have no reason to be but I am. My condition has led me to do a lot of things I regret and I have no control over my anger I loose it many a time a hurt the people who love me the most. I am petrified that I will be a hopless mother but your story gave me a little bit of hope. I have a loving partner who at the moment I feel repulsed by I don’t want any type of affection and I push him away all the time. I only wish that I can get through this as all I ever want to be is a good mother to my child it all I have ever wanted but I am petrified I will fail him or her. Most people don’t understand and think the sadness and temper tantrums are something we can control but I don’t think they are and I am so very very scared but your story gave me some courage thank you so much x
Daniell
You should be so proud to have shared this story. I’m sure it was extremely difficult for you but I’m also sure it helps so many women going through similar experiences. Pregnancy, childbirth, and being a new mom is not the sunshine and unicorns people portray it to be and definitely more difficult when dealing with mental illness as well. You are a brave woman in this judgmental world and you’ve taken a step forward in the feat of helping others understand mental illness.
Thank you
Sarah
Thank you for this article. I’m so freaking tired of being looked down on for not enjoying my pregnancies. Every pregnancy I have been criticized for not enjoying my pregnancies. This is my third….each time I have dealt with anxiety and insomnia. People in my family and friends will say we’ll you should be thankful you aren’t infertile. I love my children very much but pregnancy is the hardest battle I’ve ever had to fight.
Cassandra
Thanks so much for sharing your story. As someone with Borderline Personality Disorder myself I appreciate you being able to share it. A truly beautiful birth story 🙂
Nia
I am the daughter of a mother with mental illness- the flavor of which is less important. It was not easy. She was a single parent to my brother and I for manybyears. I grew up fast. She stayed out of the hospital until i was 14, which was impressive. She never went to therapy, had an awful psychiatrist for years, and never spoke about her struggles. The secrest were the hardest. My young mind was able to conjour up far worse than the reality.
Now, i am a social worker. A great one, actually. I have perspective and insight for patients some have little patience for. I am a wife and a mother to an amazong 3 year old.
My mother, who I never felt connected to, is the most amazing grandmother. They are best friends.
She has swt backs, but we work through them. She takes directions better. She is more honest with me (and herself). And there are less secrets.
There is power in truth.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Cheryl
I must tell you that I admire your strength for putting this out there. You have no idea how many future and present moms tou may have helped. The point is that the love was there all along, you fought for your son, even when the “urges” overwhelmed you to give up, or cut him out. You waited it out, and in one last act of desperation called your doctor for help…and it all turned out with a breathing healthy son for you and your husband. Your son was bathed in love by the very people who love you so, their loving him was an expression of love for his momma too….his family was there for him until his momma could be. That is called family unity. And as Hillary Clinton said, it takes the whole tribe to raise a child. The whole point is that when mind and body found each other, it all came together. He has his beautiful momma, and you have him! Please never beat yourself up for something that ended up so beautifully. That is just life, and its beginnings. I am glad that you and your son found each other. Prayers for a lifetime of health, joy, and smiles die you all.
Sydney
I do not personally suffer from mental illness, but I am so thankful for mamas like you who bring awareness to these very real struggles. Sometimes we forget we’re all human. Thank you for having the courage to share not only your story, but your raw emotions as well.
Kabri
You are so brave. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my adult life, and have been through an outpatient program targeted at BPD. I gave birth a week ago to a sweet baby boy and so much of the birthing process echoed past traumas; brought out things I thought were dealt with and resolved. I find myself struggling to cope with the birth I had – even though it was the birth I wanted. Now I’m just trying to focus on this little man and get enough sleep, because I fall apart when I go without it. Thank you for being so strong and so brave.
Khadeeja
As a daughter of a woman who suffered all her life with mental illness, let me assure u that ur son will never hold this against u. You are his world and you will always be his ‘normal’. My sisters and I grew with my mothers illness and we adapted automatically to her soul and her needs. And your son will too.
Dee
I’m glad you’re brave to share your story. People are so mean and ignorant when it comes to mental illness. I’m so happy there are women like you to be a voice for those who are afraid to speak.
Kim
Thank you for sharing your story! I can never describe how hard my first pregnancy was, I was sick but not that bad but I was so depressed, I wished for a miscarriage then wanted a prem baby, I couldn’t handle the thought of being pregnant for so long! I was diagnosed with BPD but have since been re diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. I haven’t had success with medication and so try to take steps to help myself (usually they last less than a week). Before the birth of my son I was nuts! Having emotional breakdowns/tantrums all the time. I was so scared of what sort of mum I would be, worried that I would hate him or ruin him.
Once my boy was born it transformed me, I took a baby class focusing on RIE parenting philosophies and realised how much of how I feel/react and act now can be traced back to how my mother treated me (guilt/manipulation/shaming). My mother had her own illnesses but without much acceptance or understanding. I feel like by understanding my feelings and acknowledging them I have learned to control them better! I am also very lucky to have an amazing husband who is patient, understanding and will look after my son when I am not feeling ‘stable’.
I am now pregnant with my second and dreading this pregnancy but knowing that I got through it last time is helping a lot. I am definitely more extreme with my moods and have no patience for my little 3yr old. I am feeling so unsure about the whole thing.
Shell
Thank you.
BPD has consumed my life and made me suffer. In my suffering I’ve hurt those around me.
I discovered I have BPD this year. I was misdiagnosed with bipolarity and I never understood why my meds just wouldn’t work. I tried so hard to be a positive existence in the life of my kids, but I’ve been suffering so much, I feel I did an injustice to my children.
Now I’m 3 months pregnant. Again. The doctors are refusing to put me on medication and my entire life is falling apart. I’m being engulfed in my suffering. My partner does not understand and I’m very certain he is ready to walk away. My teenage kids are shying away because I’m unbarable. This disorder is hell. Not many people understand. I can not control my emotions. I fought self harm for years but it’s back. My self-love is disappearing. My positive view of the world is fading. I need help so bad and doctors just tell me NO.
Brigit
My mom has bpd and growing up it was very hard for me (19 now). It was always kept secret from me until I moved in with my grandparents in May. While living in her house she was a ticking time bomb most of the time and I constantly felt like I was walking on eggshells. I knew there was something abnormal about her and I developed my own tips and tricks to try and stay on her good side. I grew up feeling like she hated me for things I could not control and learned to distance myself so I wouldn’t get caught in the cross fires. My mom was never open to me about anything and to this day I don’t know a thing about her but shared experiences she had with relatives that those relatives shared with me. It effected our daily life a lot because my mom couldn’t keep a job. I wish I knew from a younger age and was educated on how she constantly feels because now that I know that’s all I do. I look back now and I see where she tried, I just wish I could see that she was trying then. That my mother didn’t intentionally hate me and if she showed she did she was fighting everything to not feel that way. She was diagnosed 26 years ago and still has not sought help for her bpd which makes bonding next to impossible. I know that personality disorders are the hardest type of disorders for a person to take control of and the only reason she knows she has it is because of a mandated amount of therapy she had to go to in her youth. I know now that its a constant struggle for her to try and seek help. The most important thing to keep in mind is to always be honest with your child from the very beginning and I hope all of you will. I know you fear that your children will hate you for being different and not like the other moms but no matter what they will always unconditionally love you just like no matter what I wills always unconditionally love my mom no matter what! I want to build a real relationship with her and create that mother/daughter bond because I know the absence of that hurts her just as much as it hurts me. I hope one day I can convince her to seek help so that she can have a better life and so she can finally feel at ease. If you guys have any tips/ideas on how you excepted help, please let me know I don’t want her to get defensive and I just want to help. 1 of my sisters (18) has already entered adulthood so any changes in my mom won’t effect her childhood but my brother (15) and my second sister (4) still have plenty of time left in her house for change. Thank you for all of your stories they really have helped me to see the other side of things. Good luck to all of you and I hope you live prosperous lives! 🙂