I Am Strong {Loss, PTSD, and Healing}

I am strong because I’ve had 4 miscarriages. We lost our first one at 9 weeks. Our second, ten days after my dad died, on my husbands birthday. We went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I needed an emergency D&C.

I am strong because I became pregnant again with our son Landen. I was induced a few days before my due date due to high blood pressure. I had my first baby exactly a year after my father died.

I am strong because when Landen was 6 months old, I got pregnant again. My pregnancy ended in miscarriage after only 8 weeks. I had an IUD placed after. I am strong because even with my IUD, I got pregnant. I lost the baby due to ectopic pregnancy. I had emergency surgery and had my right Fallopian tube removed.

I am strong because I had PTSD, and went to therapy and got some relief from my symptoms. My PTSD was due to sexual assaults in my past and all my losses so close together. I am strong because I had drifted apart from my husband during this hard time, and asked for a divorce, but decided to stick it out.

I am strong because I got pregnant again, scared that I would miscarry yet again. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravadarum at 6 weeks. I constantly vomited until 32 weeks. I decided to have my baby at a birth center with a midwife. We had an all natural water birth. We had another boy, Kaylan. It was an amazing and healing experience.

I am strong because I’m a stay at home mother. My husband works long hours, and I’m alone with our boys most of the time.

[This picture was taken by our doula, Dianne Hamre, just after Kaylan was brought to my chest.]