By Liz Paparella
Mama,
You and I have never met, yet we share a bond stronger than most, the bond of grief. I delivered my perfect 8 pound baby girl three years ago. But, she did not cry. She never took a breath. She was supposed to breathe….
Maybe you are like me, or maybe your baby died, tiny inside your womb. Maybe you put your sweet-smelling baby down for a nap and he never woke up. I don’t know your story, but I know that when a mother loses her baby, nothing is ever the same again. You are forced to the ground in grief. The world is darkened, and time becomes wrong, too fast, and yet too slow. A piece of your heart is gone, and yet you must keep breathing. How can this be right?! The world should have stopped…
In three years I have learned a lot, felt a lot, and grieved a lot.
Mama, as woman we are strong. I know right now you feel as weak as a whisper- but know this- you are strong. Because as a mother you love your child, and to love something that will one day be separate from you, that one day you will lose, takes strength. You will get to the other side of this, but the other side looks nothing like the life you had before. I don’t know everything, I don’t even know very much, but what I do know is we are all stumbling along in this grief journey. There is no straight path, no right path, no safe path. I want to share with you some of the advice I have, but first I want to say something…
I am so, so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby. Nothing I or anyone can say will fix this pain. Nothing will replace your child. And for that I am truly and deeply sorry. But, hopefully I can help you navigate somewhat.
Hunker Down
In these first days and weeks your world has been completely flipped upside down. To have a baby die makes the sky red, 2+2=5, and time stops. Nothing is right. Now is the time to hunker down. I got down on my knees and cried out to God. I spent hours upon hours reading my Bible and praying, weeping to God. I let Him carry me. I don’t know what your faith is, or if you believe anything at all, but my advice is the same. You need to hunker down with those who can carry you and those who can love. Be that God, your partner, your other children, your mother, your sisters, your best friend….who can you run to? Who can you hold tight? That is what you do. You love on those who are here for you to love. Because you cannot hold your baby, you hold them instead. Time is moving so very slow use this as a gift to love.
Connect
Please do not isolate your self. You need to talk with others who have walked this before you. You need to read their stories. Find blogs, read books, join a grief group. All of these things have helped me, and other woman I know very very much. You are not alone. Here are some resources to get you started:
http://www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/loss-room/
http://www.glowinthewoods.com/
Create/Express
Your grief will come out. It must be expressed. If you do not find healthy ways to pour your pain out it will consume you, and those you love. There are many directions you can take with this. Some women journal, or write letters to their baby, some woman blog, some paint or sculpt, some knit.
Babies take up some much time and energy from their mothers in that first year, and when your baby dies that does not change. You have all this God-given energy that was supposed to be for mothering your child. Now you must find a way to use this. You can still mother your child, but it will look very different from what you imagined when you found yourself expecting.
One of my first art pieces after my daughter’s death.
Please see still life 365 for some ideas on creatively expressing your grief.
Yes, You are Normal. No, You are Not Crazy.
You will find yourself asking over and over, “Is this normal to feel this way?” and “Am I crazy?”
There are a million thoughts you will think and a million shades of feeling you will move through.
Yes, it is normal.
No, you are not crazy.
I know you need someone who has been there to reassure you here. Someone who has not lost a baby has no business telling you otherwise. It is perfectly fine to have joyful moments. It is OK to smile. It is OK to not stop crying. It is OK to be angry. It is OK to pursue litigation. It is OK to not. It is OK to obsessively research statistics and research papers pertaining to the way your baby died. It is OK to request an autopsy. It is OK to not. Is is OK to have a funeral for your baby. It is OK to cremate your baby. It is OK to bury your baby. It is OK to visit his/her grave every day, and it is OK to never visit. It is OK to try again. It is OK not to. IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BABY. It is OK to go to therapy, and it OK not to.
***One note here: if you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming others you should seek help. It is OK to ask for help!
Find Ways to Include Your Baby in Your Life
Your baby will always be your child. It doesn’t matter if you were barely pregnant, or you raised him/her for months. This is your child. You are a mother. It is OK and right to include your baby in your family. Talk about your baby with your partner, children, family. Find a way to celebrate his/her birthday. A miscarriage or still birth is still a birthday. Some mamas have birthday parties, some release balloons, some light candles.
In our family, we include Aquila in all our family portraits by having one of our children hold her bear. It was a bear the funeral staff gave me. It just became ‘her’ bear.
My kids after the birth of my rainbow baby– see the bear? That is Aquila’s bear…
Some other families I know hold a picture of their baby , or a name plate in their family photos. Sometimes it is a flower.
Some mothers talk to their babies when they are alone. This is totally OK! Look for signs from your baby. Many, many mamas will see little things, signs that remind them of their baby and warm their hearts. Be open to that.
Stargazer Lilies are Aquila’s flower.
It Is OK To Weed
Let me warn you, if you have not experienced this yet, some people will say and do hurtful things. Right there, while your struggling just to breathe and stumble along, someone you love dearly will kick you in the teeth. I do not know a single grieving mama who has not had to deal with this.
Personally I had a dear friend who was my daily phone buddy for years completely drop off the face of the planet the day I told her my baby died. She wasn’t the only one.
Know this: some people cannot handle grief, even yours. Lucky them, they don’t have to handle anything…they can just avoid you. Ouch. Here you are forced to live a nightmare, and this person who should be there to talk with you and hold your hand, has vanished.
And people will say the wrong thing. They may say things like, “It was God’s will” or “you can have another baby!” They might say, “God needed another flower in His garden.”
I know how badly these words hurt. The only thing they should be saying is, “I am so sorry for your loss”. Try not to be too angry. At least they are trying and not being silent.
But worst of all, there are the nasty comments. If you are public about your loss there will be complete strangers judging your grief. They will judge your mental health. But that won’t hurt nearly as bad as if it comes from someone close. I had some very nasty words written to me from my sister in law which hurt like being stabbed.— and here is where I say , “It is ok to weed in your life”.
Ypur life is a garden and when grieving, weeds will choke the very life from you. You do not have the energy to deal with people who try to hurt you when you are already hurting so bad. You do not have the energy to try to make people care who have disappeared. It is OK to let these people go. Focus on those who love you. Focus on your baby. Do not give them your pain. They do not deserve it.
There is an old saying , “In times of adversity, the cream rises to the top”.
You will find new friends, and old bonds will strengthen. Some bonds will deteriorate and some will shatter. Remember, you are not the same woman you were. You are on a new path.
***I hope some of my advice helps you navigate these stormy waters. Three years out I still deeply miss my baby, but I can say that I am healing. You will smile again.
And I want to telly you that your baby did matter. Your baby is still your baby and you are still a mother. Death cannot take that away. You are a mother in love- and death has no power over love.
Liz Paparella, Mother to 8 , including my daughter Aquila, in heaven.
Recommended Reading
Family Dog Protective of Twin Newborns
Our Ray of Sunshine, the Storm and the Rainbow {Trigger Warning}
The Harshe Podcast – Episode #31: Large Family Efficiency- BWF Birth Affirmation
Raw, Beautiful, Amazing Home Water Birth!
March of Dimes: Why Waiting At Least 39 Weeks is Best for Your Baby
When Patience in a Home Birth Pays Off…
A Story Of Empowered Birthing
Firefighter Dad Catches His Baby {After Fast Labor}
She is Love: Ellie’s Birth Story
48 Comments
Rae
My friend sent me the link to this entry. I had a miscarriage on the 22nd, but it wasn’t confirmed until the 26th. It’s been a rough 6 days, trying to figure out all the emotion. But thanks to my friend sending me this link, I feel a bit more relieved and okay with my grief. Some people don’t realize that, even though I was only 6 weeks pregnant, it’s not any easier.
Again, thank you for this post. 🙂
lyterae
I’m so sorry for your loss Rae. We found out on the 3rd of this month that our baby had died (I was almost 11 weeks) and I miscarried at home two days later. It has been a hard month.
Rae
Thank you. I actually miscarried at the hospital when my SIL went with me when I started bleeding. In a way, it was better, because I don’t know how I would have done it at home. My husband has been working a lot after being laid off, so I have been by myself a lot in the last few days.
I am sorry for your loss too. I am praying for your family and you.
Sherry
I have experienced 2 miscarriages 12 years apart and have 7 healthy children. Thank you for the suggestions of how to include reminders (place holders until I see them in Heaven) of the babies lost in photos and in my home. That and the part about weeding were the most helpful to me. About 5 years ago my family went through a different crisis. I’m a recovering pleaser so being given “permission” to weed is very strengthening to me. I appreciate God giving you the gift of writing so thoughtfully and eloquently.
Holly C.
Thank you so much for writing this. As a baby loss mama, my heart goes out to you and so many others who grieve along with us.
After 6 healthy children, I birthed 2 sleeping baby boys in the past year and a half (you can read their stories on my blog). I am now 32 weeks pregnant with our rainbow boy, but the pain is and will always be excruciating. Thank you for being such a help to mamas out there!
Tricia- Crunchy Catholic Momma
I just had my 9th baby but 2 babies back I lost twins at 18 weeks. It was my first miscarriage and nothing anyone could have done or said would have prepared me for the grief and emptiness that followed. I had a rainbow baby after that loss and I did not allow myself to believe I was going to have her until they placed her in my hands at birth. It was terrible to not allow myself to enjoy that pregnancy and let myself love the baby growing inside of me. My children keep our twins alive by talking about them often and remembering them.
You are so right about people saying bone headed things. The day after I had surgery for my miscarriage, a lady at church told me that “she had a friend who had 12 miscarriages and her husband left her for a younger woman”. I was dumbfounded and could not find one thing to say after that!! I realized that people just do not know what to say and just want to say something.
Jessica Turner
Thank you so much, Liz.
Morgaine
I have read your story multiple times. I have never experienced a loss like yours, but your story touched my heart in such a profound way, I felt like I needed to make sure I never forgot it.
You are a beautiful woman. You have a beautiful family.
Karen W
You said exactly what every grieving momma needs to hear, and I thank you for that. A friend sent me a link to this blog post and I am grateful! I lost my 2 month old baby girl Anya nearly 2 months ago… and I still find it difficult to function day in and day out. Holidays are hard, her month/birthdays are hard, and her month angelversaries are the hardest. Heck, EVERYDAY is hard. Others tell me just hug my 4yr old, but for a long while that was hard for me also because she reminded me of everything that I lost. I am just starting to fully embace my 4yo again. Blessings, mommas of angels. We are strong.. We have dealt with the largest pain in life, to go on without our babies.
Tangerine G
I just had the news today when I went for a ultra sound because of heavy spotting I had , that I lost our second baby . The first one I lost a year ago Thanksgiving and now this baby a couple of weeks ago, they figured. I have no living kids. I am still numb, don’t know when it will feel real. I just keep trying to look up to my Heavenly Father ! And use my husband shoulder as a Kleenex . He is my strong man ! I am waiting for it sink in ! All I can do is go on, and take the next step no matter how hard it will be. If you have ever lost a baby, I know how you feel ! It is not easy but it will with time get easier !
Adrienne
Hands down, one of the best posts I’ve ever read. Thank you for sharing!!!
Adrienne
mom of two in Heaven
four in my arms
Ericka
Liz, I was so very moved by this article. Beautifully, BEAUTIFULLY written. And then as I saw your picture at the bottom, I thought ‘Hey, I know her!!!!!!!’. We’ve crossed paths a few times, our large broods in tow, at the grocery store. I have wondered how things went with your rainbow baby! Praising The Lord that baby is here, safe and sound, in your arms! Wonderful!!!! Hope to see you again!
Liz paparella
Erica! You should call me sometime 😉 or add me on Facebook!
Stephanie
I stumbled upon this post while looking for the opposite — I was looking for cute belly pictures and birth pictures to try to ease the ache of my five miscarriages. (I had two boys about 10 years ago, and now have lost 5 babies in the past two years.) My hardest miscarriage was on January 16 of last year. I was a bit further along, and it happened quite traumatically. The one year “anniversary” is fast approaching, and the pain that had calmed to a dull ache has been building to a full-fledged open throbbing wound. That is just being honest. I am glad I have Jesus, a loving husband, and two wonderful boys. I guess I needed to see this today, because trying to gloss over my grief was not working anyways. Well said, beautifully written, and very relevant. Thanks.
Diane Hill
Thank you for this. We lost our son this December 13th. We were able to have one precious hour with him alive. Nothing is the same anymore. It helps to know we are not alone but heartbreaking to know others have also had to endure this.
Jill
We just recently lost our first child on Dec. 21,2012. she was stillborn i had just seen her the day before on an ultrasound and she was perfectly healthy. I went for a scheduled NST the next day and there was no heart beat. Layla as going to be brought in this world just 5 days later. This really helped me a lot. I do try to blog (more like me journaling and letting everyone read it) I have a great urge to try again as soon as we are aloud.
Lauren
Your painting was very startling for me to see – I had a similar mental image of myself last February when I lost our first child. Only ours was small enough to be held in my hand. I’m expecting our second any day now, but every now and then it really hits me that I am the mother of two children, not one; and I deeply miss the one that isn’t here.
Alicia
Thank you so much for your inspiring and beautiful words. My son Gavin passed away at 25 weeks gestation, the doctors said from the start that he had a 0% chance at living, but I didn’t want to listen. As a mother, no amount of facts can tell you the fate of your child, you have hope and strength inside that all can be well. Unfortunately, he passed away in my womb, and I was induced the next day. The greatest gift I received from this experience is I got to hold an angel, whom taught me how important and precious life truly is. I see life in a whole new way and have a connection with my other son that I never had before. Grieving has never stopped for Gavin and it has been a long and trying journey, but I am glad to say that I am newly pregnant and ready for another journey, hopefully for the better. Thank you for your kind and inspiring words, no one truly knows what it’s like until they have gone through it too.
Kay
I read this and cried the whole time. My son was 15 days old when my world was shattered very unexpectedly and he passed away. Most days I feel like I am going crazy or I hear a mom say something about staying awake late because their child is sick and I want to grab them and shake them (I don’t). I just wanted to comment and say thank you, thank you for letting me read this and to know that I am not alone.
Nana
I’ve never lost a child but I lost grandchildren in July. This is perfectly written. I love how you express that all feelings and thoughts are OK. And I love what you said about weeding – so very, very true.
Amanda McLaughlin
I went in for my 1st ultrasound for our second baby (8 weeks-ish) and was told that I had a blighted ovum. Apparently everything had started, but I never actually created a baby. My utuerus was growing and measured to the day, but with no baby. The worst part was the AWFUL morning sickness that I continued to have through 3-4 weeks after my miscarriage at 17 weeks. The grief and loss that I felt/still feel from that day is excruiating. The problem is that I don’t know how to grieve…there was never a baby there to grieve for, so am I grieving for something that never was? This was back in August…So things are much better, but some days aren’t…
Aliaa
Thank you for sharing I came across the link on tumblr it’s almost 2 years since I lost my little man at 17 weeks pregnant having to give birth and leave the hospital without a child and no longer pregnant – The usual you’ll get over it try again ( I had to have IVF to have him which is another story and stress) I thought I was going crazy ppl telling me to pull myself together god’s plan, will etc Last year was hard approaching his anniversary as I split up with my ex (another story) and thought that my life was over and I would never be the same again – I’m not I re-evaluated my life what’s important and what’s not – when you lose a child nothing matters anymore you arent the same as you’ve lost the most important thing that a human being could lose – only trying to explain to others that drama and the rest of the crap that strangers give you doesnt mean anything. You become stronger and more determined, you live your life to make your child proud. I’m a mother without a baby and I’m now making the most out of my life to make him proud of me and I look forward to when I can be reunited with him one day.
melissa
Thank you so much Liz for writing this piece. This is how I feel some days. I do know it is so much better to share my feelings after the stillbirth of our daughter in May. I am also so glad you shared this piece and it is wonderful to see your rainbow babies.
kristen
Well said and thank you. I have had 6 miscarriages and feel so alone among my friends and peers. Thank you for your words of wisdom and grace. I planted a very special rose garden this summer and buried my “baby stories/grief journal” and I escape to the peaceful ocean as much as possible. Grief counseling has helped me face my number.
Janine
The part you wrote about how upsetting it is to hear people say that this was gods will is why really touched me. I always felt so selfish when someone told me that because in my mind I would think no he isn’t better off with god, he’s better off with me. I can not tell you how many times I held back from punching them. This has helped me so much. I have been so angry and broken. But I know now that it’s normal.
heathermama
((hug)) i am so so sorry for your loss.
heathermama
oh my goodness, this made me cry. over my 19 years of having children i have had three miscarriages. i loved all of those babies so much. people seem to put their foot in their mouths a lot. one person said to me after my first miscarriage “well at least it wasn’t your first. at least you have a baby” like some how you grieving a loss means you don’t already know you are blessed.
i have never felt i could truly openly grieve my lost children. it is so painful to feel so alone.
i have been planning a tattoo to go over my heart, a flower for each of my children and a bud for each baby that didn’t make it earth side. something for, something that says they were here, if only in my heart.
Heather
Thank you for this. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my second baby at 9 weeks. The u/s at 8 weeks showed a h/b at 88bpm and the OB said that the baby was probably conceived two weeks after the actual date of conception (which I had charted) and that’s why the h/b was so low. I spotted the next week and went immediately to the OB who did an ultrasound which showed no heartbeat and the baby had shrunk. I cried out to God and let His will be done – that was the only way to get through this. I ended up with a D&C a week later, July 30, 2009, because I was so afraid of the drugs and seeing my dead baby.
I felt empty and dead. But I prayed and prayed and prayed and just cried out to God. On September 7, 2009, I found out I was pregnant again with my Rainbow baby. I held my breath at the first ultrasound and remember swallowing tears against a closed throat. But there was her heartbeat. Healthy. Strong. 130 bpm. I sobbed. And now that Rainbow is going to be three years old in May. God is so good.
Andrea
I lost my beautiful baby boy on february 14th, just 6 days ago, he was born asleep. I dont know how to deal with this huge pain im feeling, i never thought possible to feel such sadness. What you have written has helped me so much to think im not crazy. I miss my baby so much, I need him, my soul needs him, my body needs him, i still feel him inside me… this is so hard. Thank you for sharing your story… thank you for helping me… God Bless you.
Brie
May God Bless You Andrea. I am so sorry for your loss sweet Mama. <3
Melissa
Love you, lady!
Liz paparella
Andrea, I am so so very sorry for your loss. I don’t know if you have people in your life you can reach out to, but I would love to be a source for you. Please email me at kirynspiscesmama@gmail.com and I will give you my phone number. I would love to hear about your baby boy. I know how much you must want to share him. Love to you- Liz ( author of this article)
Heidi Faith
Andrea, you are so courageous for reaching out in what may easily be the darkest days of your life. Oh, thank you, for such courage. You are a good mother, and I am so very sorry for the death of your precious son – I am deeply sorry for EACH of our baby’s deaths shared here. I am so profoundly humbled to see mothers reaching together with just a few words here, to clasp one another’s hand in the dark to simply say “you are not alone.”
Liz is a precious friend and wonderful sister in this journey of bereavement. I do hope that you let her clasp your hand – that you do email her. You are also invited, if you decide, to spend some time looking at my website, http://www.stillbirthday.com, where you might find support in the many, many different aspects you may be faced with right now, including taking care of your body postpartum, lactation decisions, farewell planning, and inviting your loved ones in gathering around you in love.
Above all, please, be gentle on yourself.
With sadness, love and hope,
Heidi Faith
Ashley
I have a 2.5 year old girl. I miscarried my 2nd pregnancy at 10 weeks and 5 days. I cannot seem to get over it. I laughed today, and afterwards I sobbed with extreme guilt.
Thank you for this.
Dee
I’m sorry for your loss. This was beautiful , thank you, I’ve lost 3 and I’m so glad you have written this to help others. It is a dark time. And so right we are forever changed after. THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Andrea
Thank you very much for your blessings. These days have been the most difficult of all my life, trying to live my life without my Emiliano, the baby boy i dreamed of for so many years, my first baby, the one that made me the happiest person alive. I now this experience will make me a stronger person, maybe a better person, I still have to find the purpose of all this Im going through. Thank you so much for your support.
Emily
Thank you so much <3
Have 8 and June 9 2012 lost our 9th at 18 weeks and conceived again our 10th and also sadly said good bye December 2,2012
We have also heard the very many nasty comments even the well you already have enough
We have weeded and stay very close to ones who understand our our hurt and our love both our beautiful babies lay asleep under a garden of stargazer lilies
Katrina
Wow, I loved this post. So heartfelt, so right on. Thank you for writing this. I am the mom to nine children, and while trying for our 10th child, we miscarried for the first time. I was devastated. We lost that little one at 12 weeks. He or she was due on Christmas Day. It was a huge loss for our family. Because of my family size, and my age at the time (I was 41) I got a lot of comments that were NOT helpful. “Maybe your body has had enough.” was hurtful. “This is God’s way of telling you to stop having babies.” I think that comment hurt the most. It’s my belief that God doesn’t quite work that way. (If He wanted me to stop having babies, he would not allow me to conceive in the first place!) We went on to conceive 4 more times, and lost those little ones, too. (I did not tell anyone about those conceptions…we figured we’d wait until we passed the first trimester to tell. They never made it that far.) Finally, at the ripe old age of 43, we conceived again. We waited until I was 16 weeks along before we told everyone our news. I am now almost 36 weeks along, and our baby boy will soon be here. He is our Rainbow Baby after all the losses. We are SO excited for his arrival. I think of all the little ones we lost along the way…and I can’t wait to meet those children when I get to Heaven. They will always have a spot in my heart and in our family.
Erin
Thank you so much for this. It is exactly what I needed. I have 2 sisters whom are both pregnant, well, we all 3 were pregnant together. I miscarried at 9 weeks while their pregnancies thrived. Its been the most traumatic experience of my life. And I’ve had no one who has been through this. I am going on 7 weeks since I miscarried and I still think about it every single day. I have been on a non stop mission looking for comfort and closure which I have yet to find. It eases the pain reading stories like this. Thank you for sharing this because even though she was only 9 weeks gestation, it still feels like a hole in my heart, but I know day by day I will deal with it a little bit better and never forget, but always be thankful for the time I had being her carrier, her vessel. I know I will meet her again one day.
Cat
I lost my baby boy at 23 weeks this past June.
It’s been a rough 3 months, we buried him and just ordered the marker.
There are days that I cry and days that I feel normal again.
I still struggle with why God needed my baby boy in heaven so soon
and why at 22.5 weeks I started to bleed and discovered my cervix was short.
I have not been able to pray to God, or go back to church,but after reading your post,
I think I will try. Again, thank you for this post.
Michelle C
I want to read this over and over because it helps me feel less alone. Ten days ago I gave birth to my daughter Angel (just five days before Christmas). She was full term and she lived in my arms for one hour. I have no nearby family or friends; not many people want to hear me talk about my dead baby. Knowing that I am not the only Mama who has lost a part of her heart; whose breasts cry white tears; who tries to hold on to the hope of seeing my child in heaven: This all helps. Thank you for your story. I hold my four year old a little closer at night, and I am grateful to my midwife who supported me for months and whose intuition convinced me to get that second ultrasound (leading to a mere two weeks notice that my baby would not survive long past birth); she also brought the best gift you could bring to a grieving family: a box of the good tissues (with lotion!) and the baby pictures she took with her phone.
Erin Z
Thank you for this. I miscarried 2 months into my second pregnancy, 6 years ago this April. We had a healthy 8-year-old daughter, and I’d never pictured anything like that happening. We had been so excited, our daughter was going to have a sibling…then everything feel apart. I brought my little girl with me to the 1st heartbeat appointment…and there was none. They tried to be reasurring as we then went for an ultrasound…”I’m sorry, but the sac is empty. With my sweet girl in the room. A few days later, in the hospital, the insensitive woman checking me in asked a lot of questions: Height? Weight? Pregnant…oh wait, if you’re miscarrying you aren’t pregnant… Felt very un-Christian in that moment. The worst was not allowing ourselves the same relaxed excitement about our next two pregnancies, which each resulted with a healthy boy. Miscarriage robs and steals and leaves an emptiness like no other. But God is still good, and heals. But I still feel sad every now and then, wondering what might have been.
Amanda
I gave birth to a sleeping Vincent at 36 weeks on July 31, 2014. I will never forget the moment when my doctor told me there wasn’t a heartbeat. Most of the time during the day I’m numb, but then there’s an instant that it hits me for a few minutes & I cry, cry, cry. I look at pictures of him everyday. I write him letters & read him stories (he’s cremated & in a little heart that’s laying in his crib). A lot of things people take for granted or seem annoyed with (diaper blow-outs, spit-up, long nights awake) I miss & will never have with my baby boy. If I’m ever blessed with a rainbow baby, he/she will know about Vincent & will be held onto tighter than anyone can imagine! I’m sorry for all your losses. It’s a very tough road to walk through, but we must go through it. There’s no way around it. Love & blessings to you all!
Abby Back
I just want to say, I absolutely loved reading this blog.
It really helped me so much. It made me cry as I’ve just lost my baby girl.
But as they say, crying heals the grief Thank you for this blog.
Michelle
Thank you for sharing. I have read this over and over several times since my baby was stillborn due to trisomy 18. Even though it is a struggle settling into life after loss, your words help remind me “it’s OK”.
Christa
February 26th, 2016 my little sister was born sleeping. Her name is Haven Abigail and she was lost at 35 weeks along. Though I obviously was not the one pregnant with her, the pain of losing her shattered my world. It’s such a strange feeling to be so connected to a little human I never truly got to meet. I was supposed to be able to hold her and love her for years and year to come, but that got cut down to 30 minutes of being able to have her in my arms and see her perfect face. I had to say hello and goodbye all in that 30 minutes. I never got to see her smile. I never got to hear her cry or see her wiggle around. All I got was her perfectly still and perfectly peaceful permant expression.
Going through the miscarriage/stillbirth of a sibling has its own unique challenges and hardships, especially when you are 22 when that happens. I never know what to say when people ask me how many siblings I have. Do I include her and explain it? Do I just leave her out to save the explanation and awkward responses that follow? I don’t know. People don’t know how to react to a stillbirth. I don’t blame them though, you truly can’t know until you’ve been there.
I don’t know the point of all of that or where I was going with that. I just needed to finally express this somewhere where I know I won’t be judged, but instead understood and listened to.
I trust God still, even when I don’t like or understand the things he does in my life.
I miss you so much, sweet little Haven. I wish you were here. I wish I could have known you and watched you grow. It’s been 8 months since we lost and not a day has gone by that I have not thought of you. I hope to never forget your perfect face. You mean so much to me, sweet little baby.
Psalm 107:28-30
“Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses. [29] He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still. [30] Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven.”
Paula Saffel
In July it will be 45 years since my baby was stillborn at full term. The only thing that has kept me going all these years is knowing I will see her again someday.
Sadaf
One of the best posts I have ever read during all these 2 and half years of my loss
Really you have put into words everything what any grieving mom can go through thanks for writing
such strong and beautiful words