We knew at 34 weeks that Parker was frank breech. Every one kept saying she’d turn. I tried spinning babies exercises to turn her; every thing. I was desperate to have VB, so I agreed to the versions. Her butt was just stuck. It was so painful. The doctor moved her head from side to side, but she would never turn. He said he’d never had an unsuccessful go at it. Well I was his first. I went home heart broken but with hope that she would turn.
I was scheduled for a section on April 3rd. He could have done the week before, but I chose her birthday to be 4/3/12 (plus that’d give her some time). Husband and I moved into our new house that weekend. I set up our house, focusing specifically on baby stuff. I was distracting myself from the sadness I felt. Didn’t buy formula. Didn’t set up a crib. Just stalked the fridge and washed some nursing tops. That’s what I had planned on doing for a few weeks. Introducing my baby to a loving home, loving parents, and tons of boob juice.
I ended up going into labor on Monday, April 2nd. In the middle of an exciting National Championship for our beloved Kansas Jayhawks. I labored at home for a while, still hoping she’d turn. Finally at midnight we went to the hospital.
Parker Kate was born via c-section, at 2:26am, on a stormy Oklahoma night.
No family held her before me. No one saw her before me. Every one respected my wishes.
My birth story saddens me. This isn’t the birth I wanted, but I was scared. Parker is now a thriving almost one year old, and although her birth still haunts me from time to time, she was worth it. She’s happy, healthy, and absolutely beautiful (and still breast feeding/co-sleeping).
I can understand that 100%. My birth of my son Broin 5 months ago also saddens me a bit. It was an amazing and awesome birth … but he ended up in the NICU for a week. And we will never know if it was because of something we did or didn’t do (the midwife didn’t make it to the birth so it was basically unattended, although I did have a doula there (it was her second birth). Although he is strong and healthy and thriving now, I still think back to the birth and how I am unable to celebrate how amazing it was because he did go to the hospital afterward. Man what I would give to have that part not have happened. But that’s life.
Love your baby’s picture 🙂
I know exactly how you feel. My first two babies were frank breech and I had c sections with both, despite every desire to have a VB. Looking back I almost wish I tried to deliver my first naturally as even though I wanted to try my second as a VBAC, everyone told me that they wouldn’t do a breech VBAC 🙁 Then I had a surprise baby and was due at 22 months post my last c section – so was told I was too close to my last operation to attempt a VBAC, too much risk. Of course I had to weigh those risks myself, but having people call you selfish because you wanted to experience birth and potentially bleed out leaving all of your children without a mother… doesn’t make it a fun decision.
So… I have 3 beautiful babies and love them dearly – but none of them entered this world the way I wanted. What I was able to do was control who held them and who saw them while I was in recovery… NO ONE was to be at the hospital while I went in – we would call when ready 🙂
First – Rock Chalk Jayhawk! 😉
Second – I totally understand. We discovered my oldest was footling breech at 34 weeks. Despite all my efforst to get her to turn, she just wouldn’t. My water broke on a Sunday night, I was 37 weeks 3 days pregnant. She was born via c-section. I did not have a great hospital experience at all. As I went to touch her, the doctor whisked her away. I was heartbroken.
I have since had 4 homebirths and am planning my 5th in July. Just because my first was a stubborn breech didn’t mean the rest would be.
I understand the grief over the birth you didn’t have. Take your time to grieve it, that is ok. You might enjoy reading her birth story here – http://prairiemama.com/2010/02/my-path-to-homebirth-part-1/