Did you know babies can die? You can spend ten plus months nurturing and providing life for your baby and they can die. You can have tests, ultrasounds, consults, experienced obstetricians or midwives and your baby can still never take a breath on this Earth. Whose fault is this? Who can I blame? How can I fix this?
Your baby is still gone. You must still live. You must still love.
When my husband and I realized we were expecting our third child, we were filled with love and also anxiety. I was nursing our thirteen month old son and all of those snide remarks I thought to myself about women having babies close together rang loud and clear with a big slap of “ha ha” across my face. So, I did what every other mother in the history of the world has done, I refused to feel sorry for myself and went to work on this pregnancy.
This was my easiest pregnancy yet. I knew intuitively I was carrying our daughter. I interacted with her as if she were already in my arms. I loved her. Correction: I love her, present tense. I have two sons and was elated to finally have a daughter to share with the secrets of women.
Every pregnancy, every mother is carrying her child, her future. She has re-planned her life around that child. Every decision she makes is for the betterment of her family and includes her newest child who just has yet to be placed in her arms. The morning I confirmed our daughter had passed in my womb has been welded into my soul. I screamed. I cried. I clawed my stomach.
How did this perfect pregnancy end in tragedy? Where was God? There is no God, I hate God. My mind raced with emotion.
Three days after my daughter’s funeral, I came across a blog article that used the death of my daughter as a commodity for their own profit and beliefs. The author dangled me in their coliseum of propaganda for the ravenous dog followers to salivate and gnaw on my pain while blaming my care provider and I for her death. The worst part? I am not the only woman to be used by this author and emotionally stoned. That hatred must end. Do not fret, it will.
This is a private journal entry four weeks after her death and truly captured my state of mind while under the dark veil of grief:
”There is a darkness that surrounds a mother who has lost a child. It is not evil. It is not God. It is pain, physical pain. I do not think one believes they are depressed when they truly are. How would you know? Who wakes in the morning and says, “Yep, I am depressed.” I am in such pain that it hurts to breathe and there is an ache in my stomach that will not go away. I drink to excess and eat when I can. I am heavy with the weight of a dead child. I carried her for forty-one weeks; I felt the sciatic nerve pain and my back ached with the love of a mother. I want to be better; I want to feel whole again. I want to be a good wife and mother. I want to be a woman who loves and trusts and feels happy. How does that happen? How do you go one day from pain to another day happy?”
I have found women to be awkward around me since her death. I am sure most do not know what to say to a mother who has lost a child.
Here is my advice:
1. Give her a hug and ask her if she needs to talk. If she has nothing to say,ask again in a few days, she will have forgotten your offer by then.
2. Don’t say, “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” She will not call you. Go to her house, do her dishes, wash her clothes and make sure she has taken a shower.
3. Help her brush her hair.
Some mothers need to birth another child right away and some mothers will wait. Neither choice is to be judged. When a child is born after a previous loss, that child is referred to as a “Rainbow Baby“. The term can take on many different meanings from a cute phrase to a deep spiritual connection to one’s creator. I like to think of it as a symbolic reference that even though there was a horrible storm, a light shone through and created beauty. This does not mean the mother is “over” her lost child, rather the sting on her womb has receded to a scar of life, merely faded, not erased.
Somewhere around 1 in 4 women (depending on a variety of statistics) will experience a miscarriage or stillbirth, so the odds are good that you or someone in your circle of influence will feel this pain. I would hope that you are able to either lend a helping hand or offer words of encouragement and hope, less this woman falls too far in despair to be pulled up again. When that same woman shares she is carrying another child, let her be scared. She will never pass a “safe” week, she has lost her innocence. Call her. Give her space. If she needs to talk, listen to her.
Above all else, let her be.
The picture is of this mother’s sweet baby’s feet. Just a reminder that no matter how small you are, your impact can be immeasurable.
*Blog post was written by BWF mother. She runs a private support group for women who have lost a child. If you need the support of this group, email us through the Contact Page and we will make sure you get connected.
what an amazing post. I needed to read this today, a month ago, six weeks ago, and again tomorrow. Thank you!
I lost my first child, I heard her heartbeat just days before, my water broke while I was home. I was rushed to the hosiptal. I remained in the hosiptal for 3 days. I heard her hear beat every hour. When the doctor said it was no hope and that if I delivered her that week we couldn’t save her. My heart ached just like it still does. Hour after after they came in to check me and her heart rate never changed it remained strong she was trying to hold on. I needed her to but in the back of my mind there way a pain that I can’t shake, because I know I would deliver a baby that I couldn’t take home. Her heartbeat began to dive me crazy, as I ate lunch on a Tuesday afternoon I felt her kick and a couple of hours later my contractions set in hard and within the next 30 minutes I had delivered a beauty baby girl that only took 1 breathe her on these Earth. Asi looked at her face I saw all the plan I had for her and us flash before my eyes. I miss her so. It’s only been 2 months since our lost and my husband seems to be fine,but my world has stopped and I don’t know who I am. I had surrounded my life round being a mother to my child now I don’t get the chance to, and it hurts. I don’t want to be sad like this , I want to love and be happy ,but the pain jut want go away. I blame myself for her not being her and I blames my husband for not being able to save both of us. Me from this pain and just saving her life. I know God and I know he doesn’t make any mistakes, but this pain is unreal and all of my hopes, dreams and plans I had for our life as mother and daughters are gone.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. My daughter delivered a full term baby boy in January who had passed just hours before. The loss is so difficult to process in so many different ways….. I hope you have someone to talk to, it seems to be crucial to be able to share regarding our loss but also the hopes, dreams and plans that we had for the new little life.
Hello, Dionne… I saw your post here and just wanted to share that my friend lost her baby a few years ago, and I have watched her walk through this unbelievably challenging time in her life with all the emotions that go along with it. Give yourself time to grieve, cry, scream, and process the pain. Two months is not very long and it sounds like you have very intense feelings of loss. Death is difficult even when it’s expected, and it’s even harder when you had no idea it was coming. Don’t beat yourself up. Find someone to talk to– a pastor, or a counselor or someone who specializes in loss and grief. It has helped my friend tremendously to go through it with a professional, as well as friends and our church family and pastor… I hope you have plenty of friends around you who can hold you up while you’re grieving the loss of your beautiful baby. You said “I blame myself for her not being her and I blames my husband for not being able to save both of us. Me from this pain and just saving her life.” — I just want to say that there is nothing that could have been done differently. It’s natural to shift your feelings of loss to guilt, or despair, or anger at different stages of your grief, but I hope someone can be there to remind you that this sad loss was not your fault or your husband’s fault. It was simply a tragedy that happened, just like accidents happen. This is undoubtedly one of the most painful things you’ll ever go through, so be kind to yourself in the process. A devastating loss takes all the wind out of your sails. It will be a while, before you feel better, but eventually you’ll have good days again. You will miss your baby forever, but you’ll function again. It doesn’t feel like it now, but I will say a prayer for you and hope you can reach out for someone to talk to you. There are lots of good resources out there.
Praying for the child who was lost and for her family!!! I can’t even begin to imagine carrying a baby to term and never getting to meet them.
Being plump with our “Rainbow Baby” I thought the sting of passing the due date of our angel would be less. And I suppose it was, but it was still painful.
This post beautifully and tenderly expresses what I would have liked to tell those around us when we lost our little girl. It will now help as I continue to talk to others who have gone through loss or know someone who has.
Beautiful, eloquent post. My heart and love goes out to this mom….
This is so true! My daughter passed away at 42 weeks after days of labor less than 25 mins before she was born…
The pain is Unbearable! It is emotional it is physical it is all consuming! One of the things I have to add to this is let the mother talk about her baby. People often dont know how to react to a mom after she has lost a child but when she is ready it is important that she is allowed to discuss her pregnancy and birth experience without worrying about other peoples feelings (not wanting to make them uncomfortable). It is important, I love talking about my baby girl, she will always be mine and I will Always Love her with all of my heart. <3
Grace – my twin boys died a few days after they were born and I cannot agree more that people should let us talk about our babies. They were our fantastic, beautiful babies. What mother doesn’t want to talk about her children? 😉
WOW! Thank you for putting so much transparency into your blog. I have lost two to miscarriage and neither was “easy”. I suffered from depression after the first but did not after the second. I now have a beautiful 5 month old who is such a blessing. My whole family hurt after the miscarriage of the first baby and we decided not to tell the older kids about number two until they were older or we were blessed with another. When they came to meet our youngest they mentioned the baby that we lost. It was then that we told them we had lost two. I have learned that not only does the mom ache with the loss but so does the dad. It is sad that in our country it is taboo to talk about miscarriages or loss of a baby among women much less the fathers who are hurting. Again thank you for writing.
Thank you for sharing this.
I know all too well, that not every pregnancy ends in a healthy baby. I have lost 2 babies in the past 6 1/2 months. We lost our 6th baby (our 1st loss) at 15 weeks and 6 days. Our 7th baby (2nd loss) we lost at 7 weeks and 1 day.
I was and still am thankful that God carried me through both my losses. He never once let me walk a day by myself. He has and continues to help me heal and understand as much as I can. I have also started my own blog to be able to share my story and journey.
Oh and please NEVER say, “you can always have another”
It may be said as a comfort, but it is one of the most insensitive things you can possibly say. I dont merely want another! I love this baby! She is a unique person and no other baby could simply replace her! So please, please think about what you say to the mother of a loss!
I second that Grace! Someone told me that days after the loss of my son via facebook. I have forgiven her for not knowing any better, but it still still feel this sting of her words from time to time.
Thank you for writing this post. It is beautiful!
I couldn’t agree more. My mother (not knowing any better) said that to me a week after I lost Lainey. I told her Lainey wasn’t a product on some shelf I could go buy more of. She was my daughter, a human being, unique and all her own. I could never have another Lainey Grace. She is the only one and always will be. My mom said she understood. I know she was simply grasping at straws to try and take the pain away.
I had to call my boss from the hospital, after 3 people had confirmed Jesse’s death. Her husband picked up the phone and I had to tell him because I couldn’t get ahold of her. This was the first thing he said, ‘they will be another baby’. I wasn’t even 3 hours out from know my son had died. Yes, he didn’t know any better but it still stung.
After loosing a daughter at 23 weeks, she only lived a few hours I thought I could never be whole again. I made a rash desicion to tie my tubes to never have it happen again. This being 1 month pp. Then after 7 years I got a reversal and now have a beautiful little boy. The pain never goes away, each day I remember and cry for her. But I know I will see her again and that is my consolation. It is amazing all the things people can say and do still to this day “trying” to help. Really is you have not been through it you could never know! I love what you said go and do cause no I would never asked for any help!!
So touching, beautiful, heart breaking.
Thank you for writting this!
This is a great post. I have lost 3 babies (2 very early, one close to 2nd trimester) and the pain is unbearable. I think of my pain and then try to imagine what it would have been like if I had lost them at the end of the pregnancies and I can’t even do it. I have 2 rainbow babies and working on concieving my 3rd.
But this post greatly sums up the feelings I felt.
The Skeptical Mother
Beautiful post. Thank you for this- I will be sharing it! It is reasons such as this, that I am relentless about exposing the person the author of this post refers to. She has to be stopped. I get sick to my stomach every time she writes a post blaming a mother after a loss.. if the person who wrote this wants me to help in anyway- please contact me. <3
Thank you for sharing, I truly hope to spread a message of love and forgiveness. Hate never wins, it only fuels love to work harder to prevail.
I wrote this article and am pleased that my daughter’s life, albeit too short, is bringing comfort to even one other woman.
In March of 2011 I lost my son Zion at 40weeks2days and delivered him the next day sleeping. Then November 2011 I lost my daughter at 20weeks. Your blog was so touching to me. It was if I was writing it myself. My heart is so broken for anyone that loses their child. My family has blamed me for both deaths b/c I was planning a homebirth and was cared for mainly by midwives. I am a birth doula and I would love to be able to help others who are experiencing a loss. Thanks so much for sharing !
I know far too well what all you ladies are talking about. I have had 11 pregnancies, and only have 1 Rainbow baby living. It is such a taboo in my family talking about lost children, even distant relatives are blamed when they miscarry. A was never allowed to grief or talk about my losses, I know the pain is in my husband too, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. It affected me in so many ways, our family and quality of life. I’m still hurting and am afraid to get pregnant again. I don’t think I can take any more of that pain. Yet I will hate myself for not giving my daughter a sibling to play and grow up with. Also, my last pregnancy all midwives turned their back on me because I was high risk…. I didn’t need anything but their support. And what I didn’t need is doctors who couldn’t care less.
There is a God, He loves you, and He was there. He is holding your sweet perfect angel and Has a plan for you. He suffered pain, He wept. He knows your sorrow. He still cares, He still loves you…even if you do in fact hate Him. Much love from me to you. Weeping with you mama.
I do believe all of those things. I was just showing how horrific those first moments of a silent doppler felt. <3
Next week will be the one year “birthday” for my second daughter. She was much too tiny. Interestingly enough it is also the 4 year birthday for my first daughter and first miscarriage. I dream of having a living daughter.
I’ve blogged a bit about it at solacemama.blogspot
what a beautiful post. my condolences to this mother. there is no pain like burying a baby you have carried for 40+ weeks. her advice
“Don’t say, “If there is anything I can do, let me know.” She will not call you. Go to her house, do her dishes, wash her clothes and make sure she has taken a shower.” is so true.
also i would like to add the advice, don’t forget her baby- weeks, months and years down the line. she will never forget and you remembering and saying her baby’s name is worth GOLD.
This had me in tears. Our first pregnancy, we didn’t know we were pregnant. I had been on the pill for ovarian cysts, but had gotten a UTI in June. I thought we were careful. On Aug 1, 2010 I woke up with the Beatles’ “Lady Madonna” running through my head an the urge to take a test. Finally the next evening the urge was so strong I did. 3 positive tests later, I called my dr. I got my blood drawn on the 4th to low levels. On the 5th I woke up bleeding and wound up in the ER of the hospital I worked at. I’m not sure if that was comforting for people I know to be treating me, or uncomfortable. I was too hysterical. My DH was working out of town during the week, and I hadn’t told him yet about the tests, but he already knew. The same day I found out, he somehow realized it. I called him and he immediately drove to meet me. That all was bad. Worse? People’s reactions. 1: the ER dr called my dr and told her what was going on. My dr disbelieved I was ever pregnant. I’m not sure what wacky medical school she went to, but positive tests and a closed cervix said otherwise! Thankfully, I never heard from her again after that, and she’s since retired. 2: My husband’s reaction since then. He feels that I shouldn’t say anything about miscarrying. His reasoning is it’s not like we knew for long, so it’s not like others we know who heard the heartbeat, etc. True, it’s not the same. Every one is different. But in those few days, I dreamed. I had plans and hopes and I already loved the seed of life that was fighting for existance. When does the love start? Honestly, I loved my LO before I even knew for a fact that they were there. Every pregnancy is different, and every loss is different.
I’d say more, but my 8 month old Rainbow Baby just woke up from his nap. But I guess that right there is all I have to say, really.
I feel for u mama. I don’t care if you never had a positive pregnancy test. You begin planning for that baby and loving that child long before you hear a heartbeat. You have a right.to feel.the way you do and to talk about the loss you endured. <3 to you <3
Selena, it was good for me to read your story. As women, there is a connection to your child no matter how “future” it may be.
I have never been pregnant. But, that moment that my husband said “ok” instead of “maybe, I don’t know” I feel that I became a mother right then. I have some medical issues, so I had to get approval from my specialist. When he said the risks of the loss of a child or loss of my life were too great (over 80% and 70%), I was devastated. I know it is not the loss of a baby, but what I thought was loss of motherhood.
Ali, I know that pain of not even having the chance. It hurts, even when there’s nothing “tangible” to point to. I don’t know the nature of your medical issues, but you never know, it could still happen! Much love~
Very true. One day I had these incredible cramps for hours that I couldnt even stand up with. A couple hours later they went away and my period started. I bled for 4 weeks. The day after the bleeding stopped, I went to the bathroom and there was a big plop into the toliet. When I looked down, I realized immediately that the last 4 weeks had actually been a miscarriage and not just a really weird period. I was young, single and did not even know I was pregnant, but I still cried for days and mourned my lost baby. I agree that we love our babies before we even know they are there. Hugs to you.
Beautiful. My first died shortly after birth and I’ve been torn to pieces, as has my midwife, for my birthing choices. I’m sorry you were criticized for choosing a care provider you were comfortable with. My sweet rainbow baby is sleeping the afternoon away, he has brought much healing to my heart, but I’ll always miss my baby girl. This post speaks to my heart.
In tears because I’ve felt the pain of losing a baby also. We had two miscarriages in four months, one at 11wks and one around 8wks. It is heartbreaking, devastating… horrible. I hated how people would say, “at least you have your son”. Yes, having him around gives me hope we’ll have more and I think kept me from getting very depressed… but having already had a child did not lessen the intense pain of those losses. It almost made it worse, since I knew how precious those lives were. We’re chosing to wait awhile before trying again, because I am afraid of another loss. Without God, I never would have been able to get through it… and I’m not fully through it either, it’s still so painful. Hugs to all of you that have felt the pain of losing a child.
I feel as though this Mama read my thoughts. We found out my son’s heart had stopped beating at my 38 week appointment. He was born 2 days later. Seamus will always be such a special part of our lives and of our family. We miss him every day. That was in April.
We are now pregnant and hopeful, but scared. We’re at 21 weeks and so far so good, but I don’t think we’ll truly believe until we’re holding a healthy baby in our arms. This blog has given me so much encouragement over the last several months. I’m so thankful to have such positive birth information and stories to keep me going and help me feel understood.
I’m so sorry.
I love this sentence:
“The picture is of this mother’s sweet baby’s feet. Just a reminder that no matter how small you are, your impact can be immeasurable.”
Sometimes there is no one to blame; sometimes there is. No matter what, you should all be heard and loved.
So sad and such precious little feet. I’m sorry that you both suffered and that she is not here with you.
My love to BWF, Reannan, Michelle Cockman, and Sammy (The Skeptical Mother). This is nice. Reannan, I hope lots of people who need the help reach out to find your private group. I admire you all.
Thank you. I have been contacted by about 10 women now to join the group. I promise you that it is a group of healing through sisters who have walked this road as well. There is no judgement or condemnation of any mama regardless of her choices. <3
how can i join this group Reannan?
you can add me on FB and then I am able to add you to the group. I am so very sorry for all of your losses mama <3
My heart goes out to this BWF baby loss mother and all the other mothers whom have said goodbye to their children too soon. I myself have lost two beautiful baby girls. Lainey Grace at 23wks 10.29.10 and Evelyn Juliet at 31w5d 08.11.11. There is not a single hour that goes by that I don’t think about my sweet baby girls. I am now a little over 10wks pregnant with my rainbow baby and the raw mixture of emotions is beyond explanation. This article was beautifully written and I hope it can help someone to be there for a mother who is experiencing loss. <3
<3 to you mama. I can only give you love, there aren't words that serve my thoughts for you.
Tamara J. Holmquist-Tolbert
The Tears are Rolling…You see, that is My Baby Daughter, all grown up now, forced to mourn the loss of her daughter…Beautiful Sweet Girl…So Very Honored that You are Who You Are! <3 Mom.
Our Bowen was born at 37 weeks, at a robust eight pounds. My labor and delivery were wonderful, natural, and peaceful. Moments later, he was taken from arms and soon thereafter, diagnosed with TGA, a serious heart condition. At five days old, Bo underwent open heart surgery. Twenty days later, he died in my arms. We have chosen not to have any more children. We have a beautiful, healthy daughter, six years older than her baby brother. As we approach the first anniversary of his birth and death, we are celebrating his memory with the four blood drive we’ve held in his honor. Bowen received large quantities of blood across his twenty five days and we feel compelled to give back and pay forward. I hope all of you find ways to celebrate and commemorate your lost little ones, be it small and quiet or loud and vast. Wishing love and peace for all of us.
Love to you mama and your sweet Bowen.
Thank you too all, for these posts, I lost my son Logan, and all i can say ,is a piece of me died that day, time doesnt heal all wounds.
I love this blog. It literally brought tears to my eyes. They are still watering. I have two wonderful boys myself, but am unable to have any more children. This tears me up inside and reading this makes it a little easier. Knowing that bad things happen. But then I think that, perhaps they are not bad, they are just difficult to understand. I know God will not make me go thru things that He does not think I can handle. And I believe this is true for other people out there. Whether they want to see/believe it or not. Thank you for this post and please continue your journey.
This is such an amazing post. So honest, coming straight from the heart. How strong you are to share such personal thoughts and feelings from those first days! It brings me to tears to think of the pain that you felt. I appreciate your advice for friends/family and how to help =) I pray for you and your sweet baby girl every day….
While i read this i shed a tear because i know how it feels like to carry a child today and tomorrow she is not anymore. One would definetly ask “Where was GOD when it happend”. You never get over the loss of a child, never… I am 24 weeks pregnant now and I pray to GOD that i do not go through it again, i still cry when i think of the child that i lost while carrying another, i dont ever want to imagine loosing this one.But i trust in GOD!!!
The response here, on facebook and personally has been so overwhelming and has given me the confidence to write the book I am meant to write. This will include stories from women in their own words on all different types of losses. There will also be a section dedicated on hate towards loss mothers. If you read this and are drawn to help me, please do not hesitate. Thankyou in advance.
I don’t know if or how I could help you, but you have my support. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Reannan, if you would like my story, I will email it to you for your book. In short: it took us 13 years to finally conceive, long after I had given up hope, we were blessed. But not knowing I have an incompetant cervix, I gave birth to our son at 20 weeks. Jared lived for 33 minutes in my arms and died, being just too young.
Of course you may email me, are you on FB…I run an amazing group on there that is private. I wont share my email here publicly, you could email Mrs. BWF or add me on FB…just saw this comment <3
What a beautiful entry, Reannan. Thank you for writing this and I wish you the best in writing your book. I’ve not read any other parts of your blog, yet, so I am not familiar with what happened after your daughter’s death.
Sending hugs your way and best wishes on your book!
“Somewhere around 1 in 4 women (depending on a variety of statistics) will experience a miscarriage or stillbirth, so the odds are good that you or someone in your circle of influence will feel this pain.”
sadly in the circle of 4 that i was in, i was the one to have felt this pain. i lost my daughter at 23 weeks, and it was a nightmare for me. i hate it when women say “i know your pain, i’m a mother too”. YES, you’re a mother, NO, being a mother, and being a mother to an angel are two different things. before this, i always said i could never put myself in an angel mommy’s shoes. now i’m here, and it’s the worst pain in the world.
I cried reading this post and all of the comments. I could never imagine going through the pain and sorrow of all of you wonderful women. The strength you have is beyond this world. I appreciate you giving advice to those not knowing how to help and sharing all of your stories. Thank you!
On Grieving Older
October sun, a golden day.
Again it’s death and gold,
A mask to cover Agamemnon’s face,
A world of wanwood mould.
Shall everything be burned away
and only gold be left?
I am bereft.
Bereft by unmooring.
A bark that slipped its cord without a north
And wandered, seeking breath
Until it sank away
And I was left.
Which death is gold?
The one we knew was at our door?
The ones that come on winter days unwarned,
Or those where guilt-stained wrong
Our treasure takes?
I will not wear Death’s golden lie
To mask my grief and tears,
But wrap myself in birth and joy
and live a hundred years.
His life for mine, His love my song.
The death that swallows death alive
Unsads a world of wrong.
So beautiful Margaret. Thank you.
I lost my son 5 months back, he was 36days of life. My golden baby could not survive his open heart surgery for his TGA. Keep on believing that God has another plan for him, yet i still could not stop my tears Having him on my arm on his last breath was like killing myself. I am being thankful that people around me supports me so much and just keep on praying that he will come back to me one day. Remember that you are not alone.
Hello, I am Nicki and I left a comment on your Facebook page but I want to here also. I am Elle’s Mommy, she is our baby girl that dances on the other side of eternity. Thank you so much for writing about this and getting it out there. It is so important to talk about our babies. Also, I love the brushing the hair. That is soooo true. On the day of Elle’s funeral a close friend came to our home and did my hair for me. I cried the entire time but I loved it and I will ALWAYS remember it. I cried just thinking about the time that I do not have with my daughter and the fact that I will never get to brush her long gorgeous hair but the sweetness and prayers I felt from that friend will never be forgotten. Thank you for writing this…love this site and will be getting a lot of info for our future pregnancies.
I am glad you have that memory. It is hard on those days…such as your child’s funeral where you are just floating through. It took me 4 hours to get ready for Isabella’s service….it was as if I were living a dream. <3 to you mama<3
Ever since my daughter was stillborn, I’ve read a lot of posts/blogs/books by other mothers who have gone through the same thing. Up until now, I haven’t read anything that so fully acknowledged the fact that sometimes there is nothing you can do. Sometimes babies die. And a lot of the time there is no known reason. I knew this going into it, probably more than any other mother I’d ever met. I knew that birth and death are often intertwined, and you can run all the tests and eat all the healthy food and have the best doctor/midwife in the world, and your baby will still die. I just never thought it would happen to me. People questioned the choices I made during my pregnancy (and honestly, I questioned myself in the days following my daughter’s death–did something I chose to do or not do lead to her heart suddenly stopping?). What you said is true. “You must still live. You must still love.” My daughter was a blessing, and even though I held her for such a short time, her death doesn’t negate the gifts she gave me.
I’m sorry you were attacked and blamed for your daughter’s death (what is wrong with people?). I just wanted to thank you for sharing your heart. xo
You are welcome. I am so sorry for you mama. I am hugging you with my heart <3
This is such an important topic. Thank you thank you thank you for including it on your blog, and for doing so with so much love and grace.
My friend shared this with me just yesterday. I went for a regular ultrasound and they determined the baby isn’t growing and I will miscarry any day. The pain, the waiting is unbearable. The only way I get through it is to look at my 3 year old daughter and she makes me smile. We will try again. I have a lot of support of family, friends and co-workers and I will get through this and I will be strong for my daughter. Thank you for sharing this.
I am so sorry you are fresh in your grief mama. I have so much love for women who know in advance they will lose their baby. I am sorry that this is happening to you and am hugging your heart right now. Just love to you mama <3
Hi Amanda, This happened to me, it was my 3rd baby and feel she was a girl. It was awful and couldnt believe it was happening to me, Id had 2 previous girlies who were healthy with no pregnancy problems; but there I was in a clinic where insensitivity was the name of the game! sitting in a waiting room full of pregnant mums knowing mine was gone but needing another scan to confirm, watching all the excited mums come out saying glad its not twins! it was awful sad and no one could help me- My mum had a still born at 28 weeks and I am the Rainbow baby! but not even her words were that comforting bless here. she stayed with me when I misscarried which must have been painful for her. I have had another little girl a real rolling ocean ! will never forget our little skye that went to the sky ( as my 3 year old described it!) but time is a wonderful thing- and it is a reminder that you need to be thankful every day for your blessings in life, I am a firm believer in things are meant to be and I feel that it was obviously better for her to leave quickly than maybe encounter a world that could have been very difficult for her. there is no rhyme or reason just a huge wave to swim through. Lots love hope your swim isnt too difficult xxxxx
This post made me bawl. I miscarried during one and only pregnancy. That was in the beginning of September and I still cry. I still wonder if I can even have children because my husband and I have been trying again since October with no positive results. I am still jealous of every single on one my friends that are pregnant, especially the ones that weren’t trying/didn’t want a baby at that time. Thank you for this post. My heart goes out to you and all other parents with angel babies.
I am so sorry for you Brittany. If you would like to join my FB group, add me and you are more than welcome mama <3
Janine Sabin, postpartum doula
I began my mothering journey with LOSS… it has transformed my reliance upon Him in a way nothing else could have. GOD has used tragedy for good… allowing anger & grief OUT… for healing our brokenness is such a GIFT thank YOU for speaking out!
“God is not a secret to be kept… keep open house; be generous with your lives. BY OPENING UP WITH OTHERS, YOU’LL PROMPT OTHERS TO OPEN UP WITH GOD….” Matthew 5:14 (MSG)
I’m sharing your post… because I know many struggling with infertility OR baby loss. BOTH profoundly devestating.
I’ve never suffered a loss such as this, but my heart aches for every mother that will never know her baby. It does not matter whether you were 2 weeks, or 40 weeks, that was still your baby, and you deserve all the respect and compassion in the world!
Such a nice post, very well said! I had lost my son, Harley Orion Collier and 41 1/2 weeks due to still born, over 8 years ago! He will always and forever be in my heart! The best advice that I can give (as mentioned above) is to let the mother talk about their loss. Most people told me that they didn’t truly know what to say, and that was alright. It’s a very hard thing to talk about for some, such a horrible thing to happen to someone and words alone can not describe to the fullest extent the pain that you got through and especially to never be able to find out WHY it had happened. The worst thing that I had heard though was from my doctor about a year ago (a different dr. than the one who had delivered my son) who told me that after all the time had passed she was surprised that I STILL think of him everyday!! I just couldn’t believe the comment she had made! What if it were her child?! As time goes on, it does get easier to cope with the loss but YOU WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR BABY!!!
Thank u for the post, and for your honesty, and bravery.
You are blessed
Thank you for this. We’ve been hoping/praying for #3 and were so excited when my pregnancy symptoms started (nursing hurting right away and nausea starting a week later, just like last time). Then 2 fridays ago i started spotting and told myself that maybe it was late implantation bleeding. On sunday the “period” bleeding started. A ept doesn’t show e sitivfor me until day 20, so both tests i took were negative. By then, the pregnancy symptoms had also disappeared. I know i was pregnant-the signs were undeniable. My temps are still updon’t know what that’s about…even tho this was a very early miscarriage, it still hurts. I’ve been planning/dreaming about how i want things to go the next time and i thought this would be the one to bring us to that point. I even told myself some of those lines you mentioned about “there will be another”, “it was so early, obviously something didn’t form right and couldn’t live”, and feeling a little silly about being so depressed for a day or two. Thank you, kathryn, for pointing out the “2 weeks or 40 weeks”. I know it’s a different pain experienced between those two gestation times, but there’s still an ache that a little baby started and i don’t even get to know if it was another son or supposed to be our first daughter. I had a fear some time ago about trying for #3 and that i would experience miscarriage for the first time. I’m now part of the 1 in 4 now too.
Thank you. We are currently expecting our “rainbow baby”… and all is not perfect. It really is a very scary time, so exciting, and so hard to get attached at the same time. There is so much fear. Thank you for addressing the hurt that goes along with babies who die. It is never too early or late in a pregnancy to feel real loss and pain. Again. Thank you for your words.
Thank you, words can not describe how this resonated with me. The journal entry touched me deeply. I lost my third and youngest son when he was 2 yrs 9 months old. I hate that feeling of darkness that you described but that’s exactly how I have felt it and described it many times myself. I am now pregnant with my fourth baby, a baby girl, I have had a crazy array of emotions, grief, and fears. It has been hard for me to allow myself to be scared, but thats just it I AM very scared! Thank you for reminding supporters and women themselves that they can and should feel all those emotions free from guilt. I love my baby boy forever and always xoxo my little prince Harris.
“Each child has one extra line to your heart, which no other child can replace.”
Marguerite Kelly and Elia Parsons