Eating is a Family Affair: How to Support a Breastfeeding Mother

I had always expected to breastfeed my babies. I was breastfed until I was two (or four, depending on which parent you ask) and it just seemed normal. But I had never considered how important it was to have a partner who supported me in breastfeeding. Like a dreamy adolescent girl who has already chosen the colours for her wedding, I knew what I wanted and figured it really had nothing to do with the man in question. He would just have to like it or lump it.

And when I did meet the man, and we did decide to have a baby, and we met with our midwives, I found that they were pretty much in agreement. It’s the mother’s decision, they said, and the father just has to ‘be supportive’. They suggested that the father (all the couples in our prenatal class were hetero) could do this by bringing the baby to its mother in the middle of the night and offering her a glass of water. That was it.

But there is so much more to supporting a mother in breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a personal decision, but the actions, ideas, and social cues of people around the mother are major factors in making that decision. The mother-infant dyad cannot be taken out of its socio-cultural context. Even for the newborn, eating is a family affair.

I was right that my partner would be supportive of my breastfeeding and I was right that it would come easily to me. But I was wrong about it having nothing to do with him. My husband supported – and continues to support – me in breastfeeding, 100%. And it has made all the difference in the world.

jaime papa

There are the practical aspects of his support, such as doing all the cooking, feeding bottles of pumped milk, and working outside the house so I can stay home with the little ones. But when I think back to our journey over the last two years, it’s the intangible things that come to mind…

He never said it was gross. He never said it was beautiful, either – he just treated it like it was normal.

He never told me to be discreet. When I had milk spraying out of me in seven distinct four-foot jets all over the sidewalk (oversupply, anyone?), he just laughed and said that he liked how I “don’t do things by halves.”

He encouraged me to feel comfortable nursing in front of his parents, reminding me that his mother had breastfed her two kids and that, frankly, it would take more than that to scandalize his dad.

Despite the fact that our baby was humungous and nursed every hour, he never suggested a switch to formula. Instead, he read the research about the short half-lives of breastfeeding hormones (indicating that the infant body ‘expects’ to be fed at least every few hours), and we agreed to feed our son on demand.


In the bedroom, lactation became quotidian, an entirely healthy part of my body. He considered ‘The Spray’ yet another womanly indication of arousal – and what could be more arousing than that?

I don’t think he was ever jealous of the time and attention I put into breastfeeding our son. If he was, he dealt with it himself – because he saw that it was his own issue, not mine. Maybe he wished that he himself had a secret milky weapon to calm our little one.


He never called me a cow, a human pacifier, or an exhibitionist. He called me ‘badass’ instead.

Our son wasn’t night-weaned until 15 months and he never told me to do it so that we could get our bed back, go on vacation, or have more sex. When we weaned it was my decision – it was I who wanted “my body” (and my sleep!) back.

He didn’t complain about the cost of nursing pads. He acknowledged that my bras smelled rancid after sitting in the bottom of the pile for a week – but he did the laundry anyway.


He never made pervy comments about how our son, “Doesn’t know how good he has it!” or that, “He’ll really be a ladies’ man!” He never expressed discomfort about the fact that all of his friends had now seen my boobs.

Because that’s what it’s all about for my husband and for us as a family. To us, breastfeeding is mostly about nourishment.

It can be an emotional thing, all sweetness and comfort. Maybe even beautiful and romantic…

Nursing in Bed

But sometimes, it’s just dinner.


How did your partner support you in breastfeeding? Leave a comment and share your experience.


  • sarah

    That was beautiful, thank you for writing it! I’ll be sending this link to my husband along with my thanks for doing what yours did: accepting breastfeeding as normal and supporting it! 🙂

  • Tanya A

    My husband has been so supportive of our breastfeeding journey. He supported the idea from the beginning and was so wonderful about bringing me snacks, drinks, pillows, whatever in the early days when it felt like all I did was nurse and change diapers.
    While it did take him a while to be completely comfortable with me doing 100% of the feeding, he talks with our friends about breastfeeding as a completely normal part of our daily routine, and he has never apologized or been uncomfortable with the fact that I will feed our son whenever and wherever I need to.
    We bed-shared and night-nursed until about 16 months, and in that time (although I know it was difficult some nights) he never asked me to go nurse somewhere else so he could get some sleep/have space/whatever.
    He told me my huge breasts (I went up 4 cup sizes) were beautiful and that he was proud of me for doing what was best for our child.
    I could go on and on…my husband has been the best support I could ask for.

  • Danielle

    Beautiful & so true… nursing is a family affair. My daughter Violet just weaned at 35 months, and I guess I hadn’t really acknowledge how silently supportive my husband was of our extended breastfeeding journey. He never made me feel unsexy when I pumped 8x a day for the first 3.5 months or pressured me to wean her as her body started dangling off the end of the boppy. He never complained when I pumped on our anniversary vacations, and he always supported my/our decision to anyone who would comment that “she’s still nursing??” I’ll have to thank him tonight when he gets home from work. It really meant a lot to have his support. 🙂

  • Jennie Rimes

    This is EXACTLY how my husband is too! It’s the most wonderful thing knowing how he takes everything in stride as “normal.”

  • A.

    Breastfeeding started out as exclusive pumping for me because my baby was 9 weeks early and in the NICU. When I was recovering from my c-section and could barely sit without pain, my husband wheeled the pump to my bedside, helped massage colostrum out of my breasts (because I was too weak from days of not being allowed to eat to do it), and got excited about milliliters of “liquid gold” to deliver to our son. For two months, he cleaned the pump parts every time I used them. He even helped me take care of a particularly bad clogged duct in the first week.

    Once we brought our baby home and switched over to nursing, he brought me things while I was nursing (and still does). I went back to work a few months later while he stays home with our son, and he feeds him the milk I pump at work. He makes dinner most nights so that I can nurse our son to sleep when I get home from work and have dinner waiting for me when I’m done. My husband thanks me all the time for the effort I put into feeding our son. He calls breastfeeding “magical” for the way I can soothe our baby, he’s impressed by “stealth nursing” while babywearing, and he thinks seeing our baby nurse is beautiful, but he also assures me that seeing me nurse and pump doesn’t make my breasts less attractive to him.

    My initial breastfeeding goal was 14 months – until a year after my son’s due date – but recently I mentioned to my husband that I would like to go longer. His response was, “Oh, good! That’s a relief to hear because it means it doesn’t feel like a burden to you, and breastfeeding is good for him.” My husband is awesome!

  • sheli

    “A” – you made me cry! (kinda hard to do). That is just SO beautiful! I’m so glad for you amd i pray my soms will be the same way some day!

  • Sylvana

    My husband has been so supportive of our decision to breastfeed. It was a learning experience with our first, getting used to the on demand, 24/7 needs of a very hungry (still is–> he is 3 yrs now) boy. But now with my little girl, we are experts. He encourages me when I’m delirious, supports me through the ups & downs (thrush, allergic reaction to nursing pads, mastitis!!!) He gets how important that glass of water is, cuz u get so thirsty. Every. Time. He takes the baby & sleeps downstairs with her, so I can sleep (I’m such a light sleeper!) and brings her to me to nurse. I love him and I APPRECIATE him. He gets it.

  • Ingrid


    This is such a beautiful example of what a partnership should be. The love and support that you both show to each other is inspiring.
    Thank you for sharing!

  • Anne

    This is so spot on and such a wonderful thank you to the men who support our decision to breast feed. It also gives some very good advice to those Dad’s just starting down this road. I hope to share this with our lactation team at our hospital and to the child birth Ed. Ladies. This woman took the emotions and words I have always wanted to say to my husband and wrote them out beautifully. Thank you very much for sharing. This has been our family way of life for the last 6 years through 3 beautiful children and maybe even for one more 😉

  • HB

    I so wish that I would have got this sort of support from my partner. He would make comments about how great our son had it or how he was ready to have them back. He never encouraged me to be open about breastfeeding in public. I could never see him doing any sort of research! I had problems with supply among other things and exclusively pumped for the last 7 months. I pumped an average of 40 min every 3 hours and he would often say that I tried to hold it over his head or used it as an excuse to get him to do things for me. LAME! I never got any sort of encouragement to tell me what an awesome job I was doing. In fact he wanted me to quit. I am happy to see that there are some amazing men out there supporting their partners the way that they should. Ladies- don’t take these men for granted!! Let them know just how awesome they are!

    • DKW

      I hear ya! I had a hard time with all of my children, but my third was by far the hardest. Against my wishes my husband convinced me to supplement when my son was 3 days old. After that it was a struggle to get him to latch. I cried daily, and started pumping and working with my son everyday. My husband expressed his frustration with all the time it was taking, but also hated the idea of paying for something I should make myself. I never gave up, and after 2 1/2 months of daily battles my son latched on again and has been a happy eater ever since. My husband is not a cruel person, he just wanted what he thought was best. But breastfeeding is more than just a meal, it’s a bond. For me, it’s a peace of mind knowing my son is getting the best. For those of you with a partner who really takes the time to appreciate what you’re doing, let them know how special they are.

  • Jin

    My husband is supportive in many ways. But really, he wasn’t the model supportive husband when it came to breastfeeding. He worried about other people getting offended. He did the “this baby is so lucky” thing. He encouraged me to use a nursing cover. He’s no villain. Just not so enlightened as all of your husbands seem to be. Congratulations on having such supportive partners. Just didnt want mothers like me to feel bad about themselves for not achieving such nirvana.

    • Mrs. BWF

      This comment seems to hold resentment and in turn is being taken out on mothers who do have supportive spouses. This is not putting down husbands or partners or about reaching ‘nirvana’. It’s sharing why and how it’s so important to have breastfeeding support and in turn may help spouses/partners support more. It is essential to many women who are trying to establish breastfeeding! You are a strong mother!

  • Sabrina

    This gives my husband and I such empowerment as we welcome our daughter due early August 2013!!! Thank you to all parents who make the breast feeding choice, your children are soo lucky you did!

  • Sylvia

    When I was young I breast fed all three of my kids way past the time my husband was comfortable with (until about age 2+), but he respected my decision for the most part, even if he could not help himself from reminding me on occasion, that I should not continue this until they go to school.
    However, my reason for writing here is not to tell my story, but to make a plea with all you currently and future breast feeding moms. Please, please do not breast feed in secret! Most importantly, do not hide from children, girls and boys! Let all your nieces and nephews, and all your friends’ kids and the neighbors’ kids as well watch you breast feed! After their initial giggling and “OMG! Did you see this!” or whatever their reaction may be, based on perceived ideas about breasts, they will soon get over it and accept breast feeding as something it really is, a NORMAL way to feed and nourish a baby. Let them learn and find out what breasts are really for, and let them see that breasts are indeed used for their purpose. Plant the seed in their little heads for the future, and maybe there will be more parents planning on feeding their babies naturally.

    • Joni

      I completely agree with you! I have breastfed all six of my children anywhere from 9 months to (a little over) 2 year old and counting:) It has been so much fun to go through the different ages and stages of nursing. From little infant all the way through breastfeeding acrobats, to a toddler that now tells me which side she wants and when to switch lol!
      I have never covered up in front of my children. I am not comfortable around men, or some friends for that matter, but I feel it’s very important for children to see breastfeeding as the norm. By letting them see a baby nurse it shows children that breasts aren’t a “sex object”, but a nurturing comfort to our babies.

  • Stephanie

    My son is just two months old but my husband has been on the breastfeeding band wagon from the beginning. He’s actually asked me to prepare a night’s worth of pumped milk so he can give me one night off. When I told him of our son being hungry in Target and how I walked around Target with him nursing – no nursing cover, no wrap – he laughed and thought it was awesome. I know I am blessed to have a husband that wants the best for our baby, whether that be pumped milk or directly from the breast. And he might give me hard time about asking him for water when the baby’s eating but that’s a normal thing for us. I plan on nursing until our son is at least a year and likely longer and my husband is 100% supportive of this, I couldn’t have asked for better. The best part is that he thinks I’m sexier now that he ever did before I became a mom (and not because of the boobs – those are my favorite part!).

  • Jen Robinson

    My husband has been enormously supportive with breastfeeding all 3 of our kids and with the 4th due to arrive in August, he’s even asked me if it would be okay to take pictures of me nursing in various places as part of a public health campaign (he’s a preventive medicine doc). Of course I said yes to this. He didn’t complain that our oldest didn’t wean until 25 months, and he commiserated with me when our son self-weaned at around 14 months. But the most support he gave me was with our second child, whose reflux was so bad that she developed errosive esophagitis and literally stopped nursing to the point that my supply dwindled to nothing and our daughter almost died. He was there for me when the doctors basically accused me of starving her – after weeks of me bringing her in and saying that there was something wrong because she wasn’t pooping and being told that she was fine, defending my desire to nurse exclusively. He encouraged me to do all I could to get back my supply so that I could nurse exclusively again, getting me meds to help, buying a better breast pump and making sure that I pumped regularly, no matter how little I produced. He also bottle fed our daughter on the days that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I had failed her and myself and the bottle just repulsed me. I never got back enough supply to exclusively breastfeed her, but I was able to nurse her with supplementing until she was about 18 months old. Never once did he tell me to give up and just accept the formula as the best method of feeding our daughter. And for that I’ll always be grateful.

  • Anna Thomson

    The most wonderful sight I had while breastfeeding my 2nd was my first lifting her shirt to ‘feed’ her ‘baby’ at the same time. She had it all down pat – the burb cloth over the shoulder, the vacant stare at the TV …
    My husband was equally supportive – just assumed this is how it should be. And because I never did get the hang of eating with my left hand, he used to cut up my meals at the same time he cut up our toddlers … and when it was too hard to eat one-handed, he’d sit there and feed me. We’d often laugh I was a human straw … soup and toast in one end, sweet milk out the booby end 🙂

  • Kilby

    Yes, wow! I didn’t realize till I read this how much my husband has supported me. He’s not a huge fan of me teasing him by squirting him with milk, but he’s never said it’s disgusting and is quite happy for me to go on nursing as long as our baby (9mo now and still fed every 2-4 hrs) wants it.

  • Rachel

    With our first he suggested I formula feed at 6 weeks because he’d been told it would make our son sleep longer. He would tell me to leave the room to feed if we had guests, or visited people, and openly glare at me if I didn’t. He’d tell me it was impolite once we were alone. When our son was 3 months old – in the middle of summer – I had to breastfeed our son in front of his work while we waited for him at midday and he was horrorfied and said “this is my work!” as though it was holy ground. One time when our son was 6 months old I fed him in a Cafe with his dad and he refused to look at me – when the waiter came the waiter spoke to me and smiled at me and that seemed to make him seeth more. When I complained about being tired feeding our son hourly it was my fault because it had been by choice. He’d said by breastfeeding I wasn’t letting him feed our son. Yet if I went “well there’s formula in the kitchen – go for it” he didn’t actually make a bottle.

    Despite that I breastfed for 38 months. Somewhere… I’m not sure when…. Maybe after 12 of breastfeeding I think something inside of him clicked. That it’s FOOD Not BOOBS. He started to help me, as in, get our son for me and put back to bed so I could nurse at night without having to get up. He stopped saying stupid things.

    When our second baby was born he’d fetch me a drink and a pillow when I nursed, not a word, just made it easier for me. He told a friend in my hearing that breastfeeding is the best cure for teething. If our daughter – who’s 15 months – is unsettled, he asks if she needs a feed (and he means breasts). He still sometimes flinches when I catches a glimpse of my Breast if I’m feeding her out and about, but he 100% supported and encouraged me to go to a nurse in a few months ago, that was interstate, so he organised my flights the night before while I packed.

    For me I was always going to breastfeed, there was no doubt, but breastfeeding alone was isolating. I would roll my eyes at him, huff, attempted to educate him so many times (but he wasn’t breastfed and he was fine). So mostly I gave him the “i’m not dignifying that with a response” look and carried on feeding. But it made everything hard for me, just even feeling I couldn’t feed in front if him in our own home.

  • Brandi

    My husband was supportive through our breastfeeding experiance as well.
    Often I was told that I should wean at a year for … stupid reasons…. and hearing comments like that was hard for me and he just said, baby do what you want to do , he likes it, so give it to him, when the time comes you’ll know it. And when the time came and my son weaned himself, we knew and that was hard and he helped me through that by reasuring me that my son still needed me in so many other ways, but for him, he was done with with the “boobie-milk” …
    Now he supports me by allowing me to teach my son about “boobie-milk” and how he drank it and how other babies drink it because its good for them and its natrual. 🙂

  • Linda

    Wow! What an amazingly supportive husband you have! Mine was pretty good, but I wish that he would have been more encouraging when I was having difficulty breastfeeding instead of telling me that it would be easier to switch to formula. After one month of trying and trying and eventually getting mastitis, with a heavy heart I switched to formula. Maybe I would have tried harder if I had more encouragement.

  • photomom82

    “Silently Supportive” I never thought about it like that, but it really is true in my husband’s case. We both prefer that I nurse modestly, that is the only time he really comments about it at all, to give me a heads up to adjust. I appreciate that, and never complaining about night feedings up until 18 months old, only concerned for me and my sleep. It’s just normal for me to step out of the church meeting, leaving him with the other 4 children to corral on his own, while I listen to the meeting from the ‘mother’s room’, rocking quietly. Even the times I would make dinner, only to have to nurse the twins while he and the older kids eat. Taking care of the other kids, while I take the time I need with the little ones. I should have felt this gratitude 4 kids ago! 🙂 But he is that much greater in my eyes.

  • Sharon Rose

    I agree! I have never considered all the things you mentioned as ‘being supportive’. But you are very correct and I am most grateful that my husband did not complain when I nursed each of our children until the next one arrived – and they are all 4 years apart.
    Breast milk is the perfect food for humans and i am so happy to have been able to do that for them.

  • SB

    This one is great! Husbands arent often acknowledged enough during the breastfeeding process! I know it certainly is much easier for me to do what I have to do for our son when I know my hubby has my back. I still would without his support, but like everything else in life, having your partners support makes it better. Thanks for giving a shout out to all the wonderful and encouraging partners out there! I also want to mention how much my TODDLER helps too! She is amazing and in her own way very supportive as well.

  • A Mom in Vancouver

    This is a lovely article. For me, though, reading it was triggering. I realized that, while I’d always thought my husband was supportive of my decision to breastfeed – he did more than bring water and the baby and was completely supportive of me nursing till the kids were past 2 – the breastfeeding also got mixed up with abuse. I realize now that some of the things he did/said were the opposite of what the author has outlined above and that all sorts of emotional, psychological and physical (which includes sexual) violence were mixed up in the process. I had a really hard time identifying it as abuse for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was that he was so supportive of my decision to breastfeed and that, hey, physical abuse is that stuff you see on TV, right? I’m posting here in case some other mom reads this and has been unsure about whether what her partner is doing is abuse or whether it’s okay to call it abuse or whether a guy who’s so supportive of natural parenting, attachment parenting, blah blah blah can still be abusive. I’m not going to label anyone else’s experience for them. But if you are worried, if you are unsure, if you do have questions, it’s okay to ask for help. Along the way, I’ve received support from community health nurses, community health care professionals, rape relief and women’s shelters, police, doctors, a counsellor, school/daycare teachers and lots and lots of friends and community members. If the first person you try does not acknowledge your pain, please have the courage to try someone else – some people are so shocked to hear that “nice guys” can do this that they automatically think that you’ve got to be confused. But they’re the ones who are confused. So keep trying. Most professionals will get it. You don’t have to accept abuse, even if the guy seems fantastic in a million other ways, even if your family tells you he’s fantastic, even if your friends think he’s fantastic, even if he’s the guy who goes to get water in the middle of the night, even if he reads all the parenting books and goes to all the baby appointments and kisses and cuddles his baby, even if he says he’s proud that you went to a nurse-in or whatever. Because there’s no checklist of good and bad actions that will cancel out the abuse. It’s not a scorecard. It just is. And you can seek help, whether you want to stay or leave, whether you want to keep trying, whether you’re confused about what happened, whether it was a mistake and you want to work through things or not. The most powerful thing my counsellor ever said to me was that I could work through things if I wanted to. It took me about six months of working on things to realize that, for me, working through it meant leaving – and that I still needed more time to figure out how to do that safely and while feeling in control. But she gave me the autonomy and power to choose for myself, something that is taken away from us during abuse. And it’s okay to just focus on working through the hurt – you deserve to heal, whatever your decisions about your relationship.

    I know from talking to other women that I’m not the only one who’s gone through what I have gone through. If you’re reading this, you’re not alone. Someone understands. Someone can help you.

    And if you are reading this and you have a fantastic partner, that’s wonderful. They’re doing their best to help create an egalitarian, non-violent, empathic society. And that’s some of the most important role modelling and living that anyone can ever do.

  • Ginger Smith

    I will cry as I type this.
    W our first, she was sick at birth and we couldn’t hold or feed her her first 36 hours. Thank God for a breastfeeding friendly hospital! When he didn’t work the following day, he would get up to change our daughter and bring her to me, he’d get up at 5 am to make us breakfast when our daughter decided that was a good time to wake for the day on a Saturday morning even tho he worked the graveyard shift that night so we could afford for me to stay home a bit longer.

    Now w our second, she had a horrible latch! I sobbed thru every feeding. I had my amazing husband AND his amazing mom on either side of me, both holding my hands to help me cope w the pain! My husband hated seeing me suffer but knew how badly I wanted to keep on nursing.

    He drove 2 hours to get me a nipple shield in my size w the blind hope that it would help me.

    I’ve never met such an incredible man! He is the perfect example of support. If I wasn’t already madly in love w him, I’d fall for him again in a heartbeat!

  • Kay Girl

    I love my husband and despite not being Superman, he did the greatest thing in the world for me. He defended our choice to breastfeed when his entire family was against it. That was both parents and 3 siblings with families of their own. Three years and another baby later and despite snide comments and enuindos that my 14 month old should be weaned, he stands beside me. It is even more amazing than you know considering how close he and his family are. I love him so much.

  • Emma

    Loving reading all these stories. My husband was fully supportive of breastfeeding, (as was my dad who had supported mum through feeding me and my sisters), and it made such a difference when I was struggling to have that trust and support from him.

  • Amanda Jones

    Just beautiful! I am sitting here with my heart swelling at your story. My hubby is supportive but slightly impatient and that is hard to handle sometimes with a crying 3week old and a drama queen 4yr old. I am going to have my husband read this and hope it resonates. Thank you for sharing your story and thank your husband for being great. HUGS!

  • Klb

    My husband is awesome! For the first three months I didn’t have to lift a finger. He cooked, cleaned, grocery shopped, and made sure all our needs were met on top of putting in 10 hours a day at work. No matter how many times I wanted to give up on breastfeeding in the beginning he would encourage me to hang in there. I am so glad I listened to him. Our baby is 6 months old and he continues to support me. I’m fortunate to have him.

  • Ashley

    The one thing that I will always remember about my husband supporting me breastfeeding our son happened just a week after our son was born. I had plugged ducts, honestly suspect I had mastitis, and bleeding nipples from not unlatching the baby correctly after nursing was over. It got to the point that I didn’t want to nurse my son anymore because it hurt so bad. When I told my husband, he didn’t rush out and buy bottles and formula. He helped me find the number for the lactation consultant (or anyone who could help me) and drove me to meet her at 11 pm. He sat there for the entire thirty minutes or hour while she helped me, pointing out things I had overlooked when the lc asked me questions, and watching as she gave me advice. The next day, I still wasn’t sure I could keep nursing. He just said “You can do it. I know you can ,if you want to. Do you want to?” I did. I nursed my son until he was 16 months old, at which point my supply dropped dramatically and I chose not to increase it.

  • Ashley

    My husband has always been supportive as I nursed our 3 older children and as I struggle to nurse our one month old (our 4th). He is engaged and concerned about what is happening to my supply as I struggle with mastitist and an abscess that landed me in hospital and surgery. He calms me as I deal with the guilt over needing to supplement with formula for the first time because of the location of my abscess meaning I can’t nurse or pump, but only hand express (and it’s only foremilk) and am only nursing from one side. My husband has never made me feel bad that over the last eight years he had to “share” me with either a baby growing inside me or a nursing baby. He does at times expresses that he misses the whole me that he’s had at fleeting times, but at times so do I. At the end of the day, breast feeding is what he wants for his children as much as I do.

  • Caitlyn

    My husband has always been supportive too. He’s a dairy farmer, so it didn’t surprise me lol. In fact, he researched about breast pumps for our first child so much that he found out which one I needed and made sure that we got that one because the rest did not meet his qualifications. I liked what this said about treating it like it’s normal… not making a big deal out if it or acting like it’s gross. He just knows that it’s the natural way for me to feed our children. However, when I had to switch to formula later after having health issues which led to supply issues, he supported that as well.

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