I am currently reading Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo. It is the account of his four year old’s visit to heaven during a near death experience. I highly recommend it.
There is one part of the book though that I will always remember. You know, one of those things when you are reading it you get goosebumps, tears well up in your eyes, and you feel the Spirit so strong that there is no denying the truth of what you are reading (hearing or seeing)?!
We have recently discussed loss on our Facebook page and I want to share this with you. I need to share this with you. I will start where the conversation begins between Colton, the 4 year old and his mother, Sonja.
“Mommy, I have two sisters,” Colton said.
I put down my pen. Sonja didn’t. She kept on working.
Colton repeated himself. “Mommy, I have two sisters.”
Sonja looked up from her paperwork and shook her head slightly. “No, you have a sister, Cassie, and…do you mean your cousin, Traci?”
“No.” Colton clipped off the word adamantly. “I have two sisters. You had a baby die in your tummy, didn’t you?”
At that moment, time stopped in the Burpo household, and Sonja’s eyes grew wide. Just a few seconds before, Colton had been trying unsuccessfully to get his mom to listen to him. Now, even from the kitchen table, I could see that he had her undivided attention.
“Who told you I had a baby die in my tummy?” Sonja said, her tone serious.
“She did, Mommy. She said she died in your tummy.”
…
I knew what my wife had to be feeling. Losing that baby was the most painful event of her life. We had explained it to Cassie; she was older. But we hadn’t told Colton, judging the topic a bit beyond a four-year-old’s capacity to understand. From the table, I watched quietly as emotions rioted across Sonja’s face.
“It’s okay, Mommy,” he said. “She’s okay. God adopted her.”
Sonja slid off the couch and knelt down in front of Colton so that she could look him in the eyes. “Don’t you mean Jesus adopted her?” she said.
“No, Mommy. His Dad did!”
Sonja turned and looked at me. In that moment, she later told me, she was trying to stay calm, but she was overwhelmed. Our baby….was–is!–a girl, she thought.
Sonja focused on Colton, and I could hear the effort it took to steady her voice. “So what did she look like?”
“She looked a lot like Cassie,” Colton said. “She is just a little bit smaller, and she has dark hair.”
Sonja’s dark hair.
As I watched, a blend of pain and joy played across my wife’s face. Cassie and Colton have my blond hair. She had even jokingly complained to me before, “I carry these kids for nine months, and they both come out looking like you!” Now there was a child who looked like her. A daughter. I saw the first hint of a moisture glint in my wife’s eyes.
Now Colton went on without prompting. “In heaven, this little girl ran up to me, and she wouldn’t stop hugging me, ” he said in a tone that clearly indicated he didn’t enjoy all this hugging form a girl.
“Maybe she was just happy that someone from her family was there,” Sonja offered. “Girls hug. When we’re happy, we hug.”
Colton didn’t seem convinced.
Sonja’s eyes lit up and she asked, “What was her name? What was the little girl’s name?”
Colton seemed to forget about all the yucky girl hugs for a moment. “She doesn’t have a name. You guys didn’t name her.”
How did he know that?
“You’re right, Colton,” Sonja said. “We didn’t even know she was a she.”
Then Cotlon said something that still rings in my ears: “Yeah, she said she just can’t wait for you and Daddy to get to heaven.”
…
“Our baby is okay,” she whispered. “Our baby is okay.”
From that moment on, the wound from one of the most painful episodes in our lives, losing a child we had wanted very much, began to heal.
…
But now that we know our little girl doesn’t have a name yet, we constantly tell each other, “I’m going to beat you to heaven and name her first!”
Recommended Reading
A Natural Hospital Birth, A Peaceful Miscarriage at Home, and A Future Homebirth Coming Soon
The Birth of Sicily Rose {Postpartum Hemorrhage, Vanishing Twin Syndrome}
An Open Letter to Birth Without Fear
Logan’s Birth Story {Med-Free Hospital Birth}
My Fearless Birth {Home birth turned hospital}
Compassionate Elective Cesarean Birth {Photographer’s Point of View}- Together as a Family, Part IV
- A Rainbow, Christmas Eve Baby, Pictures and Announcement
What to ‘Actually’ Expect When Pregnant!
Choose Compassion and Love
64 Comments
Jessica T.
Oh my goodness. That is just so beautiful.
Wendy
Oh…I have no words…thank you for sharing.
JeniferR
Whoa. I can’t say anything right now.
Michelle
I thought the same thing . . . Whoa! I’m speechless!!! What a special little boy God blessed. Thank you very much Jillyn for sharing.
Jillyn
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing <3
BriannaJ
Thank you for this.. Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of my first angel baby going to heaven.. I had a wonderful homebirth 8weeks ago, healing my broken heart. I believe my angel babies I’ve lost sent him to me.. My oldest is 3, and sometimes I wonder the things she knows..
I can see it in my newborn son’s eyes.. Thank you again..
DeAnna M.
You know Brianna – when I was pregnant with and recently delivered my little girl, my thoughts were frequently drawn to my younger sister – who I never knew because she died 48 hours after she was born. Turns out that my little girl has blue eyes – so did my sister….no one else in my family (or my husbands family) does….I’ve often wondered what I see in her eyes…see seems to have an old soul….congrats on your newest little one and blessings to you and your family (including those not here on earth).
Brea
I don’t have any kids but I frequently fear about how they will….. anyway that was beautiful! I will think about that on my way to bed tonight……I think she may actually be your sister.
Cherylyn
This made me cry. Full on cry. And it takes a lot to do that. I can’t help but think about my own miscarriages.
BabyLedEnlightenment
Wow. Very powerful emotions right now. It’s almost the five-year anniversary of when I lost my angel baby, which I had been trying to just keep out of my mind, as I am due with my first full-term pregnancy later this month. I think perhaps it is time I stopped avoiding thinking about it…
DeAnna M.
I think you’re right…..wonder what peace and joy will come when you do?? Congratulations on this new life, soon to be earthside!
Rachel
I had an interesting experience when I miscarried at 16 weeks with my third pregnancy. As many people will testify, miscarrying is full of lots and lots of questions. And one of mine was, was this body really a baby, or was it just a body. It bothered me a lot because I didn’t know how to answer that.
In a sacred place, I felt a sweet assurance that the spirit that was supposed to come will come some other time. That there was just something wrong with this body I had been carrying. I know this is a little bit different from the story you shared, as I don’t feel I have another spirit waiting, but that he is here with us now. (We had another little boy about a year later). But it was such a sweet experience to think that there is a time and purpose for these things that happen. I really think the pregnancy state is very ambivalent for the little spirits that come and is probably different for every one.
Thanks for sharing!
DeAnna M.
Bawling my head off at the library – I have long believed that my daughter sees and hears things that I’ve come to ignore as an adult. When these blessed things come out of her mouth – I stop and listen…. I can’t imagine what it is like to lose a child and hope that I never have to find out…my heart aches for my sisters in this community and other who have suffered this wrenching loss…. I hope that this story brings comfort… Thanks for posting
Stephanie
Wow. That’s beautiful!
liz p
wow…drag my name through the mud saying i threatened and hacked you, neither of which is remotely true..but now you care about those of us who can relate to this? right… and you care about this because??
last i checked all your children are living. you should be ashamed of yourself. where is the proof of your wild claims??? oh yeah, you don’t have any because you are lying.
Mrs. BWF
Liz, I never said YOU hacked me, but yes, we were hacked. As far as everything else, I won’t respond to that here. I am not going to get into all that has been done towards me and friends of mine.
I am sincerely from the bottom of my heart so sorry for your loss. I truly am. I can’t say it enough. I am so sorry my blog upset you when you found it. And mama, I do have an angel baby, I just never talk about it and b/c it was very early on, I pretend it didn’t happen b/c if I admit it, it would break my heart and for 7 years I haven’t wanted to face it. 🙁 After reading this though and your comments to me, I feel at peace about it…as much as I can be and am so looking forward to meeting him or her. Even if I hadn’t and even b/c it was early, it does not mean I can not have compassion for others. I doesn’t mean that I don’t grieve in my heart for my friends and other women who have and do experience loss. I know your precious baby girl can not wait for her mommy and daddy to get to heaven so you can embrace her. This is me Liz, this is truly how I feel, whether you believe it or not. Liz, I pray for you, I have cried for you. I don’t know if you will believe me, but I know the truth in my heart and mind. I am asking you Liz, to please stop. I really do wish you and your family the best.
Jana Stuffel
Gosh, Liz….. you mean you have to have a baby die before you can care about those who have children die?? Ihave no idea what went on between you and BWF but your statement was nothing short of dumb. “and you care about his because…. last I checke dall of your children were living” So what??? All of mine are thankfully. I came quite close to losing my 1st born in delivery… doc said had delivery taken even 2 minutes longer, he’d have not made it. He was almost 10 pounds and had gotten stuck; was completely blue at birth and not breathing. Gratefully, he is now 4 years old, 4 feet tall, and wears a size 6. But IM reading this. To imply only mothers who have suffered a loss could care about the topic is so stupid. We may not be able to totally RELATE, but we CAN care!
dawn
Liz (mama ec) I have watched Aquilla’s birth story on you tube and cried for your tragic loss. Your story shared on YouTube has touched the hearts of many. I feel Mrs. BWF provides a valuable source of information for expectant parents and a wonderful forum of open exchange for sharing experiences. One thing is certain in this world, life goes on. I pray God will heal, strengthen and bless you.
Mrs. BWF
I have watched it and cried too. It was shared on our BWF page and I commented, but it is gone b/c all posts other than those by BWF are hidden at the moment.
Heather
I read this out loud to my husband last night while we laid in bed an bawled our eyes out. We have lost three babies… all early on, but none loved any less. We have two beautiful children and are very confused as to why our last three pregnancies ended in miscarriage.
I look forward to the time I get to see my little ones and get to know them better 🙂 I so miss them.
Shannon Bramlette
gifted young boy………..
Carol H.
You have really started me thinking about something I have tried to forget. I read this because I did have a baby with heart defects that died at 7 months, and I often think of him and feel he is waiting for me. I also had 2 miscarriages at 3 months, but haven’t felt they were developed enough to be individual spirits. What if they were, and I really have two more children, Hmmmmmmm.
Brea
in my opinion the spirit forms when the egg is fertilized
Crystal - Prenatal Coach
Awww this is SO beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
Shelly H.
I’m so sorry for your loss, but what your son told you is amazing. I was fortunate to be able to name my Angel Baby and spend 7 1/2 months with her. I can’t wait to see her again.
Mrs. BWF
It wasn’t my son…it is from the book ‘Heaven is for real’. But thank you. (((hugs))) to you. I am so so sorry for your loss mama.
Rae
I believe I have two angel babies.
I think, several years ago now, I had an extremely early miscarriage. All the signs of pregnancy except a positive test. I was a week late, and when it came, it *wasn’t* normal.
When I had my IUD inserted this spring, I hadn’t had a period for two weeks (it was that late). I tested myself six times, and was tested again going into the clinic (overall 8 pregnancy tests – they did one before going in). All negative. I *knew*, but the ladies at the clinic assured me it was stress, and I believed them, and instead of waiting, I went ahead and had it inserted.
I *know* now my little one was a boy, and he will come back to us. We have his name picked out already, and he will join us when we can provide for him. I know he will, and I know he has forgiven me. I can feel it.
Ooo, to have that off my chest. Its wierd.
Cassie
I have read this over and over again since first seeing it this morning. It is really beautiful and I thank you for sharing. We lost a baby in the beginning of the second trimester. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. While reading this I was sobbing and comforted at the same time. I called up two friends that have also had miscarriages and read it to them. When my husband came home I read it to him and he started to cry which shocked me because I think I have seen him cry maybe 4 times. I think this really brought some peace to the both of us. Thank you again for posting.
Mrs. BWF
Oh Cassie, now I’m crying. Thank you for sharing. (((hugs)))
Adi Misigoy
That really touched me. You sure know how to make a momma cry! I, thankfully, have not had to face a loss like this in my life thus far, but it still really touched me because so many women I love have. Thank you so much for sharing it!
Jessica
I just finished reading this book and it has changed my view on it. This part of the book made me cry. I highly suggest to anyone who has not ready it to go out and get the book and read it. It is such an easy read and not very long either.
Missy
I miscarried last month and have been avoiding having to deal with the loss. This makes me feel so much better knowing that my angel is waiting for me on the other side. Thank you.
Angie
beautiful!!
Shannon
I am almost 21 weeks and am losing my dear daughter right now. She has trisomy 18 and we will have to say our final goodbyes in a few days. I really needed to read this right now, THANK YOU. and as soon as I can I am going to read this book!
Thanks Mrs. BWF
Mrs. BWF
Oh Shannon, I am so so sorry mama. (((hugs))) I hope you find some comfort in reading it.
Tara Fishler
I believe there are so many things that occur for which we have no explanation. Children do seem to have the ability to understand and connect with experiences that adults cannot. 6 years ago, we experienced a heartbreaking loss of our 3rd child, Collier, at 19 weeks inutero due to Down’s syndrome and other complications. The best thing we did was to find a support group of people who have experienced similar losses. It has helped both my husband and I grieve appropriately and still maintain a life for our 2 boys. Now we are in the process of fulfilling our lifelong dream to adopt 2 girls (ages 8 & 12). I hope those of you who have experienced loss find a support group. It will change your life and help you heal. One last thought to the authors if the book and others, you dont have to wait to be reunited with your child to name him/her. We found giving him a name allows our family to remember that he is part of us, even if he’s not sitting at the dinner table.
Josie
I just read this again and cried yet again, I have lost 2 babies and this reminds me that they are in heaven waiting for me. I never knew if they were boy or girl either. I dreamed that the first was a boy and the second was a girl but Ill never know in this lifetime. Ill have to wait.
Jill
Wow. As a mom of a 7 week old daughter who started out as one of three, this is overwhelming. We lost identical twins early in the pregnancy. This book is a must get now! Thank you for sharing!
ally
Tears are streaming
kira
I just read that book a few weeks ago and I had the same reaction! It’s astounding. I even felt stronger in my faith after reading it. I’m so glad you shared this because I imagine it brings a sense of peace to momm a’s who have angel babies. I shared it myself with a few people as well, mothers/siblings of angel babies.
Nicole
I read this book last spring and found it incredible heartwarming. Whether this little child, Colton, has everything just right, one thing is clear, these little babies in our tummies matter to God and EACH one of them will ALWAYS have a name.
Mel
This was amazing….I’ve been crying my eyes out for at least 30 minutes now after reading it. I had a miscarriage a few months ago after 3 years of trying for baby #2 and it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. My son (4 at the time…now 5) said from the moment we told him that we were having a girl and even though we never found out for sure, I’m 100% sure he’s right (now more than ever). He still talks about the baby all the time, out of nowhere….carving pumpkins for Halloween he said “I wish the baby was here to see this”. I blogged about my miscarriage and it seemed to help a little….in case anyone is interested it’s: http://adventuresinmultitasking.blogspot.com/2011/09/lesson-in-perspective.html
Love to all the other mamas of angel babies <3
Ashley Hall
Wow I haven’t cried like the in so long 🙂
Andie
<3
All I can say.. is <3.
Keah
Thank you for sharing this! When I was 16 I lost what I truly believe was a precious little girl. It didnt hit me for a few years but I suffered a deep depression from it wishing I would have gone with my gut and just said no (was lost due to several back Xrays with a nurse that wouldnt give me a test because I was young and not positive). I am now 15 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby and I can not wait to meet this little one in the summer (I do believe its a boy and we will find out soon). I have always felt that God had my angel baby in his arms and that is what helped me to get past my loss.
“an angel in the book of life wrote down my babys birth, and whispered as she closed the book to beautiful for earth”
Katie
I knew almost immediately that our little angel was up in heaven. About a week after “DJ” (short for names for either sex) passed inutero at 9 weeks, I had an amazing dream. My mom (who passed years ago) and a little dark haired boy were playing in a field. I knew without a doubt this was DJ, our little BOY. I felt such a peace after that. I felt like God allowed me a glimpse into heaven, to help me through one of the worst times on my life. It gives me such peace and joy to know that my mom has a grandbaby with her, and that DJ has his Nonna to take of him until we are all reunited!
Amanda
I cant wait to see my little girl in heaven. For her to run into my arms. Ive struggled so long with her loss(i think a girl)….thank you for this story. I cry again for my loss andfor others. I pray that we all know some peace in knowing our God is holding them tight until we get to heaven :*(
Sophie
Beautiful! xx
EvaMarie
Thank you ♥ so much for sharing this…!! We have our babyangel Anastasia in heaven soon to be 5 years.
Samantha
This is absolutely beautiful! My cousin is pregnant again after having one successful pregnancy and two miscarriages and she’s naming her second son Josiah (her first is Elijah). Miscarriage is such a hard thing to watch, so I can only imagine what it’s like to actually go through. I’m glad she’s got another little boy coming into the world (she’s due in December) because she’s an amazing mommy.
Kayleigh
Being a woman who has lost a child, and now expecting my rainbow baby, this gives me so much hope. I think of my situation as not having lost a child but given both of my Grandfathers a child to spoil and love up in heaven,. Thank you, so much, for sharing this story!
amanda
Beautiful!!<3
Rebekah
This really affected me! My mom died right before I met (and quickly eloped with) my husband, and as soon as he got back from deployment we found out within weeks we were pregnant. We lost that baby at 11 weeks, never knew what our baby was, but all of our children (step daughter was 7 and 2 children were born later) all swear to me that it was a boy…. One day, I called my dad and didn’t hang up before the voicemail went all the way through. He is tech illiterate and hasn’t changed my moms voice on it, even all these years later! My daughter was about 2 at the time, and said, I know who that is!!! That’s my granny! I stopped, dead in my tracks…. My mom wanted to be a grandmother, DESPERATELY, and used to say the kids could call her anything but granny… So I knew that was a joke meant for me! I asked cautiously, not wanting to lead her, how she knew her, and she said, mom! That’s my granny, she would hug me allll the time before I lived here!
One day awhile later, we found something my mom had scribbled on (she was a minister and always making notes for sermons) and it said, when she got to heaven she wanted the job of snuggling the babies before Jesus sent them to their families!! And I knew, she knew my babies before I did. Yes, I wish she was here, but I know she is being grandma (or granny!) in heaven to my little boy!
Mrs. BWF
Wow Rebekah! Thank you so much for sharing that. Just thank you. 🙂
Wendy
What an amazing story, Rebekah! Thank you so much for sharing it.
Nikole
Beautiful.
I only have one child but there are times where I wonder if e is really a new spirit.
My younger sister died. She was about eight months old. I was only two. I have no memory of her, other than remembering the day she died.
I was 19 when I got pregnant. Not planned. My sons due date was December 16. He was actually born on the 13th, my sisters birthday. If that’s not enough he has her big blue eyes.
Anyone who knows me, knows I’m not religious. Anyone who knows me knows that I believe only in what I know for sure. But anyone who knows me also knows I don’t believe in coincidence. My son Adam, he “picked” that day for a reason.
Samantha Bice
Crying tears of joy and pain. I hope that our little baby is waiting for us in heaven, or that the Lord decides to send that baby back to us for another try.
Heather
When we lost our second baby, I just stopped talking about being pregnant to my then two and a half year old DD. After my D&C I was using the restroom and changing the pad – I was still bleeding (TMI, I know, but relevant). DD walks in and looks at me and the blood on the pad and says, “Oh Mommy, you’re bleeding ’cause my baby sister is crying.”
I read Mr. Burpo’s book last year and this part of the story had me sobbing and remembering what my DD said. One day I will see this little girl again. In heaven. <3
Liz
I was obsessed with rainbows after our loss. Didn’t read much at that point in the loss community. I broke down when I got to the bit in this book about rainbow being everywhere. x as well the bit above
Jackie
I have lost 3 babies… I knew they were with Jesus, but in this story I found peace. I recently lost my grandmother to Alzheimers and a few hours before she went on to be with the Lord I said grandma I know this doesn’t make sense to you right now, but you are going to have 3 beautiful great grand babies in heaven waiting on you. I told her they won’t have names so can you please give them sweet babies of mine names, and told her the names I wanted for them! My grandmother loved all children and she left this world with peace knowing she had a SPECIAL job to do! Thanks for inspiring story
Asleep until JC returns
Ecclesiastes 9:5
Alex
I named my son Jonah. I think God showed me that was his name. Today, I looked up the meaning of that name. Jonah means dove. Dove is a symbol of purity. My son will always be pure now. That doesn’t stop me from sobbing.
date-russiangirls.com
That gives you only 5 minutes to really impress her and
make her want to see more of you in the future. Step 3If
you received a reply then you’re halfway involving attaining
that relationship. He will show you step by step how to do this yourself.
Camila
It has been about 3 weeks that I miscarried our baby. All my emotions and pain are so alive and I will let them be as long as I feel necessary.
So, THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing this. Yesterday I was in a flight during sunset, and it seemed one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. And from nowhere all these emotions came and I burst out into tears. The different part of it is that those were painful tears for loosing our baby, and calm tears because I felt like if he/she was right there with me saying: Mommy, I am OK!
I loooove you my buddy bug and I always will… One day I will see you in heaven! <3