Loss, Rainbow Baby, Heart Surgery {I Am Strong}

I am strong…

I am strong because when I was 30 years old my dream came true and I was finally pregnant.

I am strong because three weeks later I suffered a miscarriage and was heartbroken.

I am strong because even though I lost almost a year of my life grieving the loss of my baby, I was determined to get pregnant again and did about ten months later.

I am strong because at my 20 week ultrasound we found out that our little boy was going to be born with a severe heart defect.

I am strong because even though his defect meant that we would likely live in the hospital for a long time after he was born and he would have to endure three surgeries just to have a somewhat normal working heart, I prepared myself for that journey.

I am strong because that pregnancy brought eighteen weeks of sickness, gestational diabetes and high blood pressure.

I am strong because I carried that beautiful baby boy until 37 weeks and had him via emergency c section at 3:04 am in a town two hours from my home.

I am strong because I didn’t get to see my baby until he was 13 hours old and I couldn’t hold him until he was two days old.

I am strong because when he was six days old he was rushed to the Edmonton Stollery Children’s Hospital via air ambulance  because he was essentially dying.

I am strong because when he was eight days old, I gave him up to the surgical team and he had his first surgery.

I am strong because two weeks later he wasn’t getting any better and in fact suffered a stroke.

I am strong because our choices were minimal and I listened as a doctor told us we may have to make some tough decisions.

I am strong because I sat back and watched my miracle baby go from being on death’s doorstep TWICE to finally being able to bring him home at 50 days old.

I am strong because when we brought him home, I had a bag of medication that weighed probably five pounds, which would serve him for one day.

I am strong because for five months I had to give my baby a needle in his leg twice a day to avoid another stroke.

I am strong because when he was seven months old, we traveled back to Edmonton and gave him up for his second heart surgery.

I am strong because I stayed in the hospital with him every night until we got to bring him back home.

I am strong because I take him to physiotherapy, speech therapy and chiropractor every week because he is almost three years old and has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, doesn’t talk, is just starting to walk and I would do ANYTHING to give him the most normal life that I can.

I am strong because his love of being around other children prompted me to take a risk and have a sibling, because he deserved that.

I am strong because two years, to the day EXACTLY I brought that little boy home. I brought home his two day old perfectly-healthy-in-every-way baby brother.

I am strong because in a couple of weeks I will take my amazing, miracle, perfect and precious little boy back to Edmonton for his third and hopefully final heart surgery.

Finally I am strong because although the start of his life was hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, that boy brings more joy than I could have ever dreamed of every day of my life.

{By Rachelle Beler}

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4 Comments

  • Daria

    You are so strong! I hope this doesn’t seem odd coming from a complete stranger, but I’m located in Edmonton so if you need a helping hand while you’re in town for your son’s surgery I’d be glad to help out in anyway! Bring you a meal so you don’t have to leave the hospital, have a coffee so you can vent, watch your other little one, whatever! Hopefully you have a network of support here, but if not or if you want to add to it, email me! daria-d@hotmail.com 🙂

    • Rachelle

      I am just seeing this message now!! How nice of you to have offered to help us! Hoping to not have to be in Edmonton anytime soon, as we can do most of our things in Saskatoon, which is much closer to home. Thank you for the shout out, you’re a lovely person. 🙂 Rachelle

  • Neelofah

    You’re an amazing person and have an even amazing little fighter of a son. I hope your journey continues to be one of happiness and that the almighty God keep you the strong, loving, mother figure you have shown us you are. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family

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