My name is Lindsay. I live in NH with my husband and our 2 year old daughter. This is my birth story.
Ruby Grace D. was due on November 21, 2010. We chose to see a certified nurse midwife (Katrina) at Women’s Heath Associates. The practice also has two doctors on staff there. We decided that we wanted to have a natural childbirth, and signed up for Bradley Method classes. We took the twelve week class on Tuesday nights from 7-9 pm. We loved our instructor, and also the three other couples in our class. It became a place where I felt totally comfortable. I felt confident in the topics we discussed, and took the classes seriously. I followed the high protein diet, and did the exercises. I was ready. We knew Ruby was on the larger side, because of ultrasounds and also my size. At 36 weeks they estimated that she weighed 7 lbs 9 oz, I still had 4 weeks to go! James and I were convinced that she would be coming early.
As my due date crept closer and closer, I became more and more uncomfortable. I started trying every “natural method” of inducing labor that I could find. I ate spicy food, (uncomfortable amounts, and uncomfortably spicy) bounced on a yoga ball, walked (MILES), ate pineapple, ate Chinese food, sat with a breast pump attached to me for hours (nipple stimulation), had sex, sex and more sex, (it was NOT comfortable) did acupressure and I used essential oils. None of it worked. Then I went for the big guns… chiropractic visits, acupuncture, and the dreaded “sweeping of the membranes.” NOTHING. My due date was on a Sunday and it came and went. That Monday I saw Katrina, I was miserable. I was retaining SO much fluid that my legs and feet were like play dough. I could barely walk! Katrina offered to induce me, but sticking to my natural plan, I declined. I was having anxiety, because Katrina would be out on vacation from Wednesday-Friday of that week. What if I went into labor!? Who would the covering doctor on call be? She informed me that it would not be either Dr. Zarka or Dr. White from her practice. Instead, it would be Dr. Montenaro… a Dr. I had never met, from his own private practice. He only covered once a month. Just my luck.
Katrina scheduled me for a biophysical profile ultrasound on Friday (if I hadn’t had the baby by then) to make sure all was well before the weekend began. Friday came and… no baby. So James and I headed to the imaging center for yet another biophysical profile. The appointment is scheduled for a full hour, (but rarely lasts that long) and they look for four things: fetal movement, extension of a limb, “practice” breathing, and amount of amniotic fluid. Each of the four things counts for 2 points, totaling 8 points for the test. We had had one before, and Ruby did great, 8 points. I was not worried in the least about this test. This time however, we were there for a full hour. I was given juice to drink and asked to move from side to side. It is hard to see anything at this point, because the baby is so big… but I could tell that the ultrasound tech was concerned. Ruby’s heart rate was fine, but she wasn’t very cooperative for the test. The tech had to send the results over to the doctor. I asked if we should wait, but she said we could go home. We got home, heated up some left over Thanksgiving food and had just sat down to eat when my phone rang. It was Dr. Montenaro, and he said that he had received the results of Ruby’s biophysical profile. She had gotten a zero on the test. She didn’t do any of the things that were looked for on the test, and also my amniotic fluid was measuring less than 5 cm. He asked that we go into labor and delivery immediately for fetal monitoring. It was very upsetting. We went in, and I was hooked up.
Ruby was doing fine! The nurses were trying to get a hold of Katrina, but weren’t having any luck. Dr. Montenaro came in to talk. He explained that although Ruby seemed to be doing fine on the EFM, he would like to induce me because there wasn’t any reason for her to stay inside me any more. I was apprehensive, and asked if we could go home and get a good nights rest. Tomorrow Katrina would be there, and we could discuss our options. He said “I wouldn’t recommend that.” When I asked why, his response was, “Because I’d be afraid that when you came back tomorrow… your baby would be dead.” I was horrified. Couldn’t he have worded that any other way? So we moved on to discussing options for inducing me. We decided the most natural was to break my water, and see if my body took over and started contracting on its own. I told Dr. Montenaro that we had written a birth plan, and asked if he would like to review it. He scoffed and said that he had seen it at the nurses station. James pulled out a copy from our bag, and asked if he would like to review it again. He sighed and said, “I guess.” We waited while he started reading over our birth plan. He started to chuckle. Referring to one of the things on our birth plan he said. “#6, Minimal amount of vaginal exams, with consent… Wouldn’t it be rape if you didn’t consent to it?” Greeeat , and this is the guy who’s about to break my water. So the breaking of the water was attempted, but although it was thought that I was 1 cm dilated, my cervix only had a dimple of dilation… it wasn’t dilated all the way through.
Just as our plan failed, our midwife came in! HOORAY! We talked, and decided that I shouldn’t leave, it was best for everyone if Ruby was born. So on to plan #2, let’s try pitocin. Friday night November 26 I started pitocin. I was awoken Saturday morning at 6 am by Katrina and some nurses who told me that Ruby had some heart decelerations, and they wanted to stop the pitocin and monitor us for awhile. By 8 am we were fine, so back on pitocin I went. I was discouraged that we had already had to change so many of our natural plans, but still hopeful that the pitocin would do it’s job, and I could have Ruby pain medicine free. I labored all day Saturday, and honestly, the contractions weren’t that bad. James and I played Yahtzee, watched TV and listened to music. Katrina would come in and check me periodically. I had been told that I was 90% effaced, and 1 cm dilated for over a month. Every time Katrina checked me, it was the same. One time, while checking me, she asked me if it would be ok if the nurse Ellen also checked me so that they could compare notes. Katrina explained that as my cervix had come down some, it seemed that she was feeling a hard band of what she thought was scar tissue. Ellen checked me, and agreed. I had a procedure done on my cervix seven years ago to remove precancerous cells. Apparently that procedure left my cervix with scar tissue on it. Katrina explained that that may be why my cervix wasn’t dilating, but often times the scar tissue just “broke” and rapid dilation occurred. I was upset, but still hopeful. By the end of Saturday evening, I was exhausted and starving. I was getting more and more discouraged each time I was checked and no progress had been made. James did some research and discovered a study that been done with women who had cervical scar tissue like me and “cervical massage”. We talked to Katrina about it, and she agreed to try it out on Sunday morning. Saturday night I was taken off pitocin, ate dinner, and had cervidil (a cervical ripening agent) inserted. I got a good nights sleep, and at 4 am the cervidil was removed. At 5 am the pitocin was restarted, and at 6 am Katrina came in to begin our attempts with “cervical massage”.
Cervical massage is NOT a massage, it does not feel good. It is when your cervix is stabbed, pushed, and pulled it an attempt to break up tough scar tissue so that your cervix will dilate. I had James on one side of me holding my hand, and the nurse Ellen on the other. Katrina was working at my cervix. It. Was. Awful. There was blood, there was pain, there was tears. I just kept telling myself, “it’s for my baby, it’s for my baby.” Throughout the day on Sunday my contractions got intense. They were able to break my water, and I thought… YAY something is working! I never asked for pain medicine. I endured three more “cervical massage” sessions, including a time when Katrina tried inserting a catheter with a balloon into my cervix to inflate the balloon and manually dilate me. I used techniques I learned in Bradley classes to manage the pain. I relaxed in the tub, I bounced on a birthing ball, I walked, we used massage. Hours passed, and each time I was about to be checked I thought, “this is it… I HAVE to be dilated by now.” Nope. Finally at 6 pm Katrina came to me and said that we had come to a crossroad. Something needed to be done to get my baby out (and by something I mean a C-section.). At that moment, I felt like part of me had died, I was overcome with such emotion. Why me? I had done everything right! I had been waiting for this moment for MY ENTIRE LIFE. I had taken the Bradley classes, done the exercises, followed the diet! Everything had been ok my entire pregnancy!
Katrina agreed to wait until 8 pm, but if nothing had changed… you know the rest. 8 pm was really 7, because anesthesiology had a scheduling conflict. I had pretty much given up all hope at 6 pm anyway. My husband and I cried together. He was just as disappointed as I was, except that it wasn’t “his fault”. I walked myself down the hall to the operating room. It was the scariest place I have ever been. It was cold, and way too bright. I literally was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Katrina and nurse Ellen stayed with me the entire time in the OR. Horrid Dr. Montenaro did my surgery. Nick the anesthesiologist was SUPER nice. My husband was there, in his sterile jumpsuit. They played the CD “Native Spirit” in the OR for me. I can’t even listen to that CD anymore, it brings back terrible memories. The first spinal I had didn’t work. Dr. Montenaro was using tweezers to pinch me, asking if I could feel it. I COULD. “Please don’t cut me open, I can feel it.” is what I told him. They tried moving me around to see if the medicine would move in my spine and work, but it didn’t. I had to have another spinal. This time, when I didn’t respond to his pinches, he just started the surgery without warning me.
The spinals had morphine in them to help with the pain later. Having never been on morphine before, I didn’t know what to expect. Honestly, and I’m sorry to be so vulgar… I was fucked up. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. My body, my breathing, my emotions. It was a terrible feeling. My baby was born at 8:39 pm. The magical moment I had been waiting for! But instead of my baby being placed on my chest, tears of joy… a wonderful family moment; I was strapped to an operating table, shivering, watching them carry my baby away from me. The only word I could mutter when I heard her cry for the first time was, “Oh”. OH!? Who says that!?!? My husband cried, he took pictures, he got to hold her. My mommy and baby bonding moment was gone. And as I type this now, I am crying. People said to me over and over and over “Be thankful that you and your baby are ok.” I am. Of course I am. But that wasn’t, and still isn’t a comforting thing to hear. I am sad. I feel gypped. I feel responsible. I feel jealous that my husband got to share those first few precious moments with her while I was hardly coherent, strapped to a bed.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.” That’s what I said over and over before my surgery. My baby is here, and I can’t imagine my life without her. We have had a chance to bond, especially because I am nursing. I love Ruby, I love my husband, I am thankful that we are all healthy. But… it will take me a long long time to come to terms with what happened between November 26 and December 1 2010. The pain after surgery was awful. I couldn’t get out of bed for the first 20 hours Ruby was alive. I was really really sad for the first two weeks. I’m sure some of it was regular postpartum hormone feelings, but I know a lot of my feelings were because of what happened. So that’s my story. I don’t expect anyone to understand exactly how I feel, but I needed to share what happened.
Recommended Reading
Birth Story of Ace {Homebirth Transfer to Cesarean}
Vaginal Hospital Birth of TRIPLETS
One Woman’s Successful Frank Breech Vaginal Hospital Birth
My Fearless Birth {Home birth turned hospital}
The Birth of a Bus {Really}
Logan’s Birth Story {Med-Free Hospital Birth}
Wyatt’s Birth Story {Fast Birth Story}
Marc’s Birth Story {Born on Skype}
Speedy {Literally Outside of the} Hospital Birth
C-Section Without Fear {Baby Reaches His Hand Out from the Womb}
34 Comments
Natasha Batsford
I understand.
And what you are feeling is normal, and entirely justified. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that having a healthy baby is all that matters. They are wrong.
If you want to talk, my contact details are above.
Love
Tash
XX
Seana Greenwood
Thank you for sharing your story! This past August, we were planning a home water birth with our first child…It took a sudden turn for the worst, I had a partial abruption before any labor started and I was rushed to the hospital, where i was put under completely….A lot of the things you said about how you felt I felt the exact same way. I felt robbed, cheated and I didn’t know how to work through those feelings…I still struggle somewhat with how things happend…OH and girl, I’m right there with ya when people would tell me “just be glad you are ok and the baby is here and healthy” well DUH! but what they don’t understand is that there are so many more emotions and things to work through than simply being thankful. Anyway thanks for your sharing your story. Feel free to e-mail me anytime if you want to talk.
Shelly
I understand. I had two unwanted c-sections….I cried a lot after my babies were born…it’s hard….I know…but my girls love me and I don’t think we could be any closer than what we are…
Vicki
I understand. And I am sorry. I was able to have a VBAC which helped some but the painful memories of my unwanted c-section still haunt me over 3 years later. You are not alone and you matter too.
Rose
What happened to you was HORRIBLE!! I got tears in my ears reading this. I am so, so, sorry for what you went through. I would be devastated. Hugs.
Melissa
I completely understand. People don’t like to hear this about my own C-section experience (very similar to Lindsay and Ruby’s story), but I compare it to being abducted by aliens and operated on. Yes, I had to give my consent, reluctantly. I hardly understood their language or their reasons, but I was the weak and vulnerable one. Yes I wanted to be healthy and my baby to be healthy and alive. But no one wants to be abducted by aliens and cut open, even if they do return you to Earth alive, with a beautiful new baby.
I understand. Completely.
Helen
I understand. I do, I really do.
Just because you are all healthy, it should not invalidate how you feel about your birth. Good or bad, your birth experience matters.
I felt a lot like you after my first birth. It does ease. It wasn’t until I had a kickass VBAC nearly 2 years later that I was able to look back on my first birth without pain, but it did gradually get better up to that point.
Keep talking. It might help to know you’re not alone. xxxxxx
Kathryn
I can understand how you feel. I had an emergency c-section, and even though she was born healthy, I still feel cheated. (((HUGS)))
Becca @ Bare Feet on the Dashboard
I completely understand. My story is similar (the interventions against my birth plan, not the cervical scarring). It was awful. I don’t remember much about the first 2 weeks and my husband was so scared for me in surgery that he didn’t even care when they announced the sex of the our son. I’m trying for a VBAC with #2 in April. Hopefully it will go better.
Jen
I understand. Went into labor at 41 + 6 after third round of induction acupuncture. I was a homebirth transfer. After 50+ hours of labor, I had a needed c-section. I can relate to ‘…using tweezers to pinch me, asking if I could feel it. I COULD. “Please don’t cut me open, I can feel it.” is what I told him.’ I said the same thing – I can still feel! I am pregnant with #2 and my doctor didn’t even bring up a repeat c-section – she knew I would want a natural VBAC.
Autumn
I totally understand. You have this beautiful idea of what you want, you try and try have super high expectations of those you are working with. Then you have these unexpected events and you end up in the C-section suite, crying because the idea that you had about your birth has gone and you never wanted your baby taken from you after she was born. This happened with my first, and then with my second we thought we did EVERY thing right. But ended up in the section suite again, however this time our D.O. gave us a “gentle” section and I did get my baby as soon as she was lifted from me. And while this was SO much better than the first it still wasn’t the birth I wanted…Now I’m carrying our third and scared and afraid that even if I choose a section that I won’t get the gentle section I had last time because we’ve moved. We are strong though, we’ve over come much, and while our births were not what we’ve intended, we are strong enough to share them and let people know that our birth experience mattered…
Elizabeth
Thank you for sharing. My daughter was born November 25, 2010, and I had a very unplanned c-section. To this day I also feel gypped, guilty, angry. I’m not angry at anyone- my midwifes and Dr did the best they could to follow my birth plan- just a lot of unexpected rare complications. She was my first, and I had a hard time bonding and bfing due to the surgery, recovery, complications again and drugs. If there ever is a next time I will whole heartedly try for a VBAC.
Brandi
I understand. It takes a long time to grieve the loss of the brith you wanted.
Thats what it is, a grieving process. I Grieved for a year after my birth. Yes I had a wonderful healthy baby, but it didn’t happen how I wanted it to. Thank you for sharing your story!
~B
Emili
I understand all too well. I was in a very similar situation with my first…. those feelings are more than normal. YOU are a brave, strong woman!
Mama N
I feel you. I had scar tissue as well. I dilated to 9 but could not push past the scar tissue. I also had an OP baby who was acynclitic, pre-eclampsia and a small inlet. I felt very robbed after wards. I hated it when everyone told me at least you all are safe…The process of a C/S is so unnatural and you are just a patient to them. I just witnessed a client (I’m a doula now) be taken back for a C/S and I was appalled at how they treat you like they are not a human but a project. As a doula I had to speak very politely but GOD help them if my daughter is ever treated like that. I will be all over them!!!
Tabitha
I’ve had 3 c-sections. I was exactly the same way with my 1st- all natural, birth plan, the whole bit… and was upset too, after lots of “trying”, being wheeled into the OR and having to change my plan. However, I do not feel robbed or cheated with any of my 3 children. I’m not harboring anything. I have to say that I am truly thankful for my whomever came up with a cesarean because I think that me or my child would have died during birth- God forbid. Thanks to c-sections, I now have THREE children, All of whom are such an amazing addition to my family. Hey- they all came out with beautiful heads and my uterus or bladder are not hanging out of my Ve-jay-jay. It’s all a matter of perspective really. I am an stellar Mama (most days), and I have stellar children (most days!). They just happened to be cut open instead of pushed out. We really have so much to be grateful for to be able to hold a baby in our arms to call our own.
jenny
Oh that’s nice. But, saying its “just” a matter of perspective is mean and pretty crass. Your perspective is that YOU are OK. The rest of these mommas are saying that they are not. Having a healthy child to hold doesn’t replace what was taken, lost, or stolen from those of us that do feel gypped. My babies perfectly round heads and my intact vagina do not make up for what was stolen from me in my unnecessarian and the subsequent “recommended” repeats. I was young and ignorant of my options to vbac, but please don’t diminish someone else’s loss, especially while they are still grieving like so many of us are, by implying they *should* just change their perspective.
jenny
Also, no one mentioned feeling robbed or cheated with their children. Grieving a birth (labor/delivery) is not a way of saying we don’t love and appreciate our babies. They are two seperate parts to one intertwined story. Its entirely possible to not feel robbed or cheated with your children but to feel robbed and cheated in their births, at the same time. I’m sorry if this comes across as rude or like I’m jumping on you for something you said jokinglt. But your words hurt. When you laugh about head shapes and intact bidy parts its all the sane rhetoric I’ve heard for years about things I *shoukd* be thankful for, instead of people just letting me grieve what I DID lose. I’m tired of being told a healthy baby is all that matters, because its important yes, but other things matter too.
jenny
Sorry about all those typos up there. Tiny phone + tears in my eyes late at night.
Alicia
I experienced very similar things in my first birth, and also prepped a ton including bradley and chiropractic. The Lord brought me *mostly* full circle in my grief in healing over the next 10 months, and then fully healed through my next pregnancy and subsequent VBAC at home. I just submitted it for posting, by the way. It took me a long time to realize none of it was my fault, and that for whatever reason God has, it was his plan for my son to be born by c/s. He carried us through with a successful (though very much unwanted) surgery, and my future outlook is if it has to happen again, so be it, I can come to terms with it. I hope you’ll be able to complete the journey of healing, facing the emotions and disappointment, and get some really good feedback about what happened. The cervical scarring seems compelling as one of the big factors. You might look up birth stories of subsequent VBAC success with leftover scarring. I am sure they’re out there. 😉
Simply Lou
Oh, this story makes me cry too. You write so well, I can feel your grief. You are truly grieving for the birth you wanted. The one you practiced so hard for. Take however long you need. Thank you for sharing your story. I love this community and the information that is shared.
Megan Casey
I dont understand as far as a section goes, however I DO understand about being forced into a birthing situation you didnt want or expect. I am so happy your baby is healthy but so darn sad you and so many others my self included have been pushed, prodded, and forced into a birth we never imagined. I pray if you ever have another its a healing experience and you find peace with this birth. God bless!
Kristin M
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am pregnant with my first and am planning an all natural hypnobirth. I feel it is especially important to hear stories of a planned natural birth that turned into something completely unplanned. By sharing these experiences, I feel it can help others prepare for what could happen and others cope with what did happen. Thank you.
Amie
I understand. My precious Ruby is 2.5. My birth story is startlingly similar to yours! I understand!
Alexandria
My son’s birth was quite similar. 🙁 Induced with catheter, epidural, pitocin, csec. Train wreck, but hoping to vbac one day. 🙂
Des
I understand. This story has made me actually change my mind about writing my birth story. I had my son just over a month ago and had decided that writing out my story would only make the pain more permanent. But after reading this I realize that I am just listening to those that say at least your healthy and feeling guilty for grieving my babies birth story when others don’t even get to have a birth story.
Tory
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’ll I could think while reading about what you went through in the operation room was “me too, that is how it felt to me”. My husband held our baby to his chest until they decided he might have an infection and took him to the NICU where he spent the nex t 3 days. No bonding moment for us, I didn’t get to hold my son until he was 17hrs old and I had minutes before thrown up on my gown en route to visit him (reaction to the pain the killers). I believe this is what drove my ppd for the 3 months after, that and the fact that milk never came in so I was unable to nurse. Now with a healthy 8-month old I am greatful but terrified to have a second child.
jenny
Thank you for sharing this Lindsay. And for being willing to share the name of the Dr who treated you so poorly. Maybe someone will be able to learn from this and know ahead of time what to expect from him if they are in the area and have the choice to see him. I pray that you’ve had some peace given to you in the last two years and maybe found some healing as well. I’ve had four csec and am currently TTC. This next baby will be a vba4c. Your story has inspired me to recommit to this and to carefully choose my care providers. I’ve been in your shoes (different reasons for my first section though) and it hurts. I cried reading your story.
Tara
Hugs. I get it. I had a very traumatic cesarean experience with my first child. Find your local ican chapter. Their judgement free, whole hearted support is indescribable.
Morgaine
Im unsure about the various types of anesthesia they use for csections, so I figured Ill just ask: arebt you nupposd to feel it? I went in to my csection with the anesthesiologist doing the whole pinching bit, and he explained to me that yes, I could feel it, but did it hurt? And thats pretty much how the surgery went. I could feel them pushing and pulling my skin and pushing things to the side, but none of hurt. It was just very…creepy.
Summer
Like many of these other ladies, I too understand how you feel. When you said you waited your “entire life” for that moment, I totally related. We were so ready for a natural birth. I did so many different exercises, read articles, you name it- I was ready for it! When I found out my baby was breech at 35 weeks I was sobbing uncontrollably at my apt with my midwife. We just hoped he would turn on his own because we couldn’t have a version. He didn’t flip and I went into labor very quickly at 37 weeks. We got to the hospital a few hours after contractions started but I was already fully dilated and he was READY to come. So I had an emergency c-section…. no husband with me, no pictures, no getting to hear his first cry (I was unconscious) or see him right away. I think about it all the time and I’m always so sad. I feel guilty when I wish for more since he was healthy and so many things could have gone worse but it’s so hard not to! Anyway… I’m hoping for a vbac with the next one, maybe you’ll get that too… the birth you always dreamed about 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Wendy Wisniewski
I too understand, as this is ALMOST the same script for me! Bradley courses, supportive husband, Nurse-Midwife, 41 weeks and a day carried an almost 9lb baby. Only my problem was not scare tissue, it was a tail-bone in the way of delivering my baby. I had to ultimately listen to my instinct and call for the C-section… Not because I was in pain, but because I just knew… then the shame afterwards, the nurses rolling their eyes at me, the healthy baby comments…I am cursed to have c-sections…I am however happy that you shared your story as it reminds me that we are women and sisters in this. Thank you
Kay
Thanks for sharing, I totally understand how you feel. My story was similar and I feel the pain of now bonding with baby and the moment flew by without your control.
Lots of hugs and support from me!
Nina
Thank you for sharing your tough experience. I am expecting my first next week and I believe reading positive AND negative stories about labor are so important. I cried reading your story, but please know your wisdom has helped me, an absolute stranger!