Loving Each Other Enough

by Mrs. BWF on May 14, 2012

“The trouble with the world and the trouble with you and me is that we don’t love each other enough. And if we do, we don’t bother to show it, or we don’t bother to say it. If the world is to know love, it has to be in your heart and in mine.”  -Marjorie Pay Hinckley, Small and Simple Things

Picture from here.

Mothers. We have so much on our plates. We have full hearts, minds that never stop and our hands full. Blessings for sure, but hardships as well. Many mothers are going through, or have gone through, real struggles. Not just lack of sleep or potty training, but honest to goodness hard times.

Most of the time, we don’t even talk about it. We don’t want to be judged. The harsh words, nasty looks, attacks, and downright hurtful judgments are live and well among women. I have said before social media doesn’t help. Many are calling it the ‘Mommy Wars’. What is it really?

We are in a time of our lives where we need love, support and reassurance more than ever. We are exhausted, hurting, frustrated and insecure. Instead of us being honest and uplifting one another, we are taking it out on each other online, at home, at the park, at church…everywhere.

I am not perfect. I am struggling too.

In hopes to open up honest dialogue, I will share a little bit of why with you. So many people say, “Oh you are so strong. You help more women than you know. You are super mom. You do it all.” I am constantly being asked to share things, answer questions, to word things better, to share this but not that, to be less balanced, more balanced and do it all perfectly while being a perfect mother. It is exhausting.

I feel I need to be this perfect mother while being a business women. I come from a wonderful family of strong women, but most of them don’t have children or know how I feel as a mother. I know I have talents and the ability to do good. Look at BWF! I could even make it bigger and reach more people. However, what about my family? I know my faith and family come first. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. I am at a constant war with myself. This causes me to never feel good enough, to be easily frustrated and constantly overwhelmed.

You need love and support. So do I. We all do.

I know that when I am honest about my struggles along with my accomplishments, it helps other people open up about their struggles too. More people need to be real. Sure, the perfectly made blogs with the incredibly beautiful photoshopped pictures with everyone always happy are wonderful. But life can also be dirty, crazy and hard. When we are honest, we tend to understand each other better. Our guard goes down and we begin to have more understanding. Compassion takes place of judgment.

So tell me, what are your struggles right now? As a woman, a wife, a mother? It’s OK. I won’t judge you and I ask that you don’t judge me. I am here for you to listen, to share, to give suggestions only if you ask. Together we can allow the world to know love.

~January

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{ 71 comments… read them below or add one }

brittany May 14, 2012 at 10:43 am

My struggles are my husband’s illness and not knowing where our lives are leading us right now as he faces medical discharge from the military. I think my son has nos-ppd or at least some major adhd but some people just say that’s my excuse cause I struggle to handle him well. I’m battling some major anxiety issues and depression which I just got on meds for. All the while I’m balancing home, friends, and my own Doula business.
I love entirely too much sometimes, my friends dearly, my family, kids, husband. I worry about things I shouldn’t like if my mom will ever find love again, or a house fire, or if my two friends and repair a broken friendship.
We all struggle and I wish we could all lean on each other more than we do. I know I need it.

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Caitlin May 14, 2012 at 10:52 am

I struggle being myself.

I was married at 19, a mother at 21, and now at 25, a mother of 3. I find myself currently stuck between the mother I am and the friend/person I was 7 years ago. I AP and have different views than my friends then, yet I’m having trouble making new ones. (sounds childish right?)

I always give my best, but constantly struggle with ‘am I raising them good enoigh’ and ‘my husband probably could have a much better housekeeper for a wife..’

I have bEen struggling a lot with balance and happiness. I think one reason I love BWF so much, is that as wise as you are, I never feel like you’re being fake. Life, being a mother an finding balance is almost never easy, and it is nice to know I’m in it with lots of other loving supporting women who are treading some of the same waters. <3

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mrsjmattes May 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm

you wrote from my heart i couldnt have said it better i to am young wife now 25 with all single or newly married kidless old frinds and other mommys arnt fans of my tattoos or my husbands tattoos not to memtion hes 10 yrs older them me so i dont fit in with his friwnds

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Kate May 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

You just wrote the framework of my adult life! Seriously… ages and all. You aren’t the only one sister ;)

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Anna Lou May 14, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Caitlin, you arent alone! I was married at 19, first baby at 21 and mother of 3 by 24 and I feel exactly the same way.

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Courtney May 15, 2012 at 1:13 am

You couldn’t have said it better. I don’t have words of wisdom, but just that I know how you feel, and I desperately need to vent all my frustrations. I’m struggling with that as well, and so much really I was married at 22, had my son 5 days after my 23 birthday, and now im still struggling with feeling like this even though my son is two now. I wanted this my whole life and I wanted the marriage and babies that is “early” in life in others opinions, so im not complaining about it but just explaining that I felt the same. I’m not the same person I was before having my baby and while part of that is good and necessary to move onto motherhood, and I’m thankful for it, the other part of me struggles to find that more laid back and almost happier person. Very few of my friends have kids, they think im crazy and tell me how glad they are they dont, and my best friends are too scared to have kids let alone get married. They don’t invite me to things like they used to, etc. I feel alone..I also don’t have any support for the crunchy mom things i believe in. My husband doesn’t even support lots of things I do like cloth diaper and no spanking. I also feel so different mentally now I’m struggling to be positive in general and anything even small, sets me off for some reason even when I don’t want it to! I did have ppd but it wasn’t diagnosed until my son was 18 months. But it is better now but the stress is what I deal with now and wonder if I should see someone.. I sometimes feel like a failure to my husband and son, and feel guilty often for feeling so frustrated. Why couldnt his birth and first few years have been a blissful experience instead of more negative? And i also felt like my hubby didnt offer his help as much as i needed in his first year of life, and i had to deal with everything. Im at stay home mom and wouldn’t have it any other way but it gets so hard! Of course its been great at times dont get me wrong and i feel so much love to him and our life, but i still dont feel like I’m as positive, loving, or nurturing person I should be, which is the main reason I’m scared to have another baby, I don’t want ever want to feel so down again and I’m scared I will. Plus I don’t ever want another csection, while it works for some, it did not for me, and I’m scared I will again. I also don’t have support for wanting a hbac, my husband simply says whatever I want to do, he knows ive been researching all this since our first was born, but I’m wondering if that will change once we do get pregnant. I am often judged by other family members, espically my in laws side for even the smallest of things I do, and I just feel alone. and sometimes feel like I don’t deserve the life I have. As cheesy as it sounds I wish I could find new friends, I tried but I’m too shy sometimes around new people. I even tried going to a moms group and I was too shy to talk to anyone and quit going.. I think I get too worried about what people may think of me, another thing I struggle with.. I even worry about what people think of me when i post on stuff online and I know its stupid but i cant help it!! Oh and we have money issues as well… Hubby got laid off last year and did get another job but it doesn’t pay well at all. While we are thankful for it we are still starting to get behind on bills and it almost makes me feel like I cant breathe. I hope it doesn’t sounds like I’m miserable because I’m not, I feel so blessed, but its so hard at times. And I need to get over with those past feelings to be able to enjoy it more. But how?

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Lisa May 14, 2012 at 10:54 am

I struggle with a chronic illness, impatience, the desire to be a cleaner person (I’m not filthy, but I could do better), the snark queen in me that wants to jump on someone without hearing them out, guilt over the first few years of my son’s life when I was immature and didn’t put him first, guilt over not always being the perfect partner to my husband, wondering if I’ll ever get a job in the field I just spent $60,000 to get a degree in, wondering if my husband will be able to realize his dreams and if they will be successful……did you really want to hear all this? Ha ha! Thanks for letting me offload :D

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Lara May 14, 2012 at 6:14 pm

I know others have said this about other posts on here but you could well have written this post for me Lisa.

Major differences: -
I live in the UK and I’ve got an as-yet unfinished £10,000 diploma that we’re deeply in debt repaying hanging over our heads. I fell pregnant 2 months into the diploma and now my daughter is 21 months old.

Aside from the above I’m fighting the most difficult depression brought on by my Chronic Fatigue. I’m also desperately trying to salvage my son’s self esteem while he’s still young as I struggle to find the energy to play with him once I have 5 minutes away from my youngest.

I’m also feeling trapped by my own self worth, I value little or nothing about myself and constantly feel like I’m not good enough, not doing enough and (whilst a married woman with a very loving husband) feel alone and unsupported.

I feel huge amounts of guilt because whilst my son has been cleared of having ADHD I’ve just had to listen to them tell me that he’s behaviourally difficult – I hear that as being told I’m a bad parent and I could/should have done better.

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Dana May 14, 2012 at 11:00 am

I am struggling with my marriage. The addition of our second child has been an incredible strain financially and emotionally. I have to work full time and I die inside because I am missing my babies grow up. I feel like a horrible mother and wife. I just feel lost and alone. I ask for help, support and encouragement and get none.

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Rebekah May 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Dana I feel like you read my mind. I am the sole source of consistent income while my husband tries to start his own business. All I want is to be home with my babies and I hate how much I miss out on. I feel torn in a million different directions worrying about raising the kids, money, housework, regular work…all the while he seems immune to all the worry and just skates through. Then he routinely gets mad at me for not paying enough attention to him and letting our intimate relationship slide. I am so overwhelmed and alone all the time and generally feel like no matter what I do, I am failing at something.

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Megan May 14, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I feel the same way. I feel alone. I have my second baby on the way. My fiance and I tried for this baby. Now I feel that in order to put wto kids into daycare that I’ll be working just so others can raise my kids. It’s so frustrating.

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Tricia May 15, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I too struggle with my marriage. I am in a constant state of questioning if my husband has been faithful to me but too afraid to confront him and find out what I am pretty sure is true. I don’t feel like we have the time to work on our relationship and I always let it slide first since I feel like he already did. I have two children, 3.5 and 5 months and I so want to be home with them and not working out of the home. I want to experience everything with them and it seems to get harder every day. I am trying so hard to get to a point where I can be home with them more but don’t feel like my husband is on the same page with me. He seems like he would rather have two incomes to spend money on stuff. I would rather have less money/stuff and stay home with my children. I don’t feel like I have anyone to share this with. All along, I don’t feel like I am doing any one job(wife, mother, job) as well as I can because I have so much on my plate.

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Kate May 14, 2012 at 11:18 am

I am not a mother and am soon to be married. I read your website because I want to know about motherhood and because the stories and pictures have been beautiful beyond words. I do not have the hardships that some of you have but I want to be that friend and that support and source of encouragement or the person who is just there so you don’t have to be alone. I cried as I read the responses. I want a community of no judgment and love and acceptance. Thank you all for posting even if you think you shouldn’t have. Your feelings and experiences are important and relevant. So thank you!

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Hayley May 14, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I just want to commend you on searching for an uplifting community of women to be associated with before getting married. It wasn’t until I was pregnant that I really started searching for people that had my same ideas and views that were supportive and loving. The women that write for/contribute to this blog are an exceptional group of women and I feel uplifted and inspired every time I log on! Nice to have you with us!

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Nykita May 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

It is not publicised enough how difficult motherhood can be. I am constantly under pressureto be able to do everything for everyone at the same time without thanx! It’s mentally exhausting, jut writing a shopping list is hard these days, with a billion thing rushing round in my head and my 4 wonderful children fighting and asking constant questions! I often look at pregnant women (on a bad day) and wonder to my self “why would you choose to have children?” that probably seems a bit harsh but to me on that day at that specific moment in time it’s a legitimate question. I love my children dearly but they are VERY challenging! My friends often judged me for moaning about them because all they wanted was to have a baby, and now that they have one their attitudes have changed. When I have even the slightest moan to family and friends all I get is “well you should have kept your legs shut” do they not realise that I did not get my self pregnant?! Any way life in general is is trying, not only for me but for all mothers, it’s time we talked about the hard times and stopes pretending we are perfect and can do it all because it’s impossible! X

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Logan Adsit May 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

I struggle with being different in a small community that I live in. I had a home birth- nobody I know has done this before. I choose to breastfeed (and STRONGLY support baby led weaning- no matter how long it may take), I cosleep, I choose to not vaccinate, and being a mother has led me to never feel so alone in my entire life. I find support through online blogs, and facebook groups. People I know think i’m crazy, extreme, eccentric.. whatever means weird, strange, and out there- it’s what I am. Some days, I find myself totally exhausted at the thought of going through another day defending myself, and how I choose to raise my child. Often, I think back to this quote: “To be orself in a world constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” and I try and find peace with my life as a young mother.

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Mrs. BWF May 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

Oh my gosh, me too!!!!!! do you live in a small TX town? LOL. I mostly bite my tongue.

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Kate May 14, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Lol! Try nursing in a church cry room with a room full of bottle feeding mothers and a clear glass wall that overlooks the entire (mostly retired) congregation in a small Texas town! I’ve grown to accept the looks of awkwardness as little gold stars on my good mama chart ;) If they are offended, that means I’m doing something right no matter how alienating it might be.

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Lynn May 14, 2012 at 5:56 pm

My children are mostly grown now. I have been a single momma most of the last eighteen years. I was the “weird, strange and out there” momma. I home birthed after three c-sections, breastfed till they weaned at two and a half, two, five and five and three months (shock, horror) home schooled till they got jobs and didn’t vaccinate. Now I lobby against abortion and child abuse and neglect and foster two girls, one with special needs. I have two married children and four grandchildren so far. You know what? Everyone admires my children and their great love for me and each other. They are all (except for my nine yr old disabled daughter) fully employed, happy, resourceful, independent but caring people I am proud of. Many of the people who criticised me have lost their children to addictions, to suicide, to a self destructive lifestyle. Some never see their children. Now who is the “weird, strange and out there” momma. Live what you believe, on your worst day you love your children more than anyone else does and yes, you can change the world. I have : ) Much love to you all. Mothering, the hardest job on earth with the greatest rewards ever!

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Lynn May 14, 2012 at 6:02 pm

PS I have four bio kids and two foster daughters. Four daughters live with me and the other two, one boy and one girl, are married with children. I also run a small bed and breakfast in my home and have been a breastfeeding counsellor or 27 years now. I suffer with anxiety but find taking one day at a time and loving.forgiving myself for my perceived short comings/failures, has saved my sanity. No, I am no wonder woman, just a real 56 year old with a lifetime of experiences/hardships/challenges/joys/delights/learnings/weaknesses and strengths, in the best time of my life! Life is so short, find something to enjoy every day, even if it is just a cup of tea/coffee and some chocolate some days, you deserve it!

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Tricia May 15, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Your outlook on life is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing.

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Jessica Oates April 15, 2013 at 6:14 pm

Hello,
your post caught my attention. I just had my third c-section two weeks ago after trying for natural birth each time. I tried for a home birth the first time, and then the second time went for a VBAC, and even this third time went for another VBAC, and couldn’t even find a midwife that would take me and finally found a DR that would take me after i was already 20 weeks along. I ended up having placenta abruption and my baby came 4 weeks early and then was in the nicu for the last 2 weeks. We just got home a few days ago. I know i just had my third baby…but feeling the let down of not getting the birth I want and now breastfeeding is not going as well as i’d like since she took a bottle in the nicu ( with breastmilk) but still.having a hard time. so thanks for posting that you had a VBAC after 3 c-sections.

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Tammy May 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

Thank you for this. Right now I am struggling, really struggling with being the mother I want to be for my 4 month old daughter and the career I worked my whole life for. We waited until I was older to start a family, as I went to 8 years of college to get a professional degree and now own part of a successful business, none of my business partners are mothers. I had no idea how much motherhood would change me, or how much I would welcome that change. My heart tells me to stay home with my baby girl and give her all the love and mom-time that I can, she is my heart. But at the same time, I need to continue with my career, people count on me to be there. But sometimes that means missing my baby girl’s bedtime or not being there when she wakes up scared at night. It breaks my heart EVERY time. I realize that this is minor compared to challenges that some people are facing, but it is my life and right now it is a struggle finding a balance. Thanks mommas!

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Jessica May 22, 2012 at 8:13 pm

I’m completely with you. It took me five years full time for my degree, worked for 6 years, so here I’ve dedicated a decade on something that really does provide but all I want to do is be with my 9 month old daughter. I’ve agonized over how I can make it happen, and balance both. I’ve not found the way, I just hope that my children know that we’ve done the best we can!

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JB May 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

I’m really emotionslly vulnerable today and this post and responses made me cry even more. My struggle is sheer overwhelm-ment from the exhaustion and emotional upheaval from hormones this pregnancy, living in a 29 ft trailer with a toddler and a cat not knowing when our house will be ready to live in. Certainly not in time for the new baby coming. We’re struggling to pay our bills and my husband has had to shoulder so much of my responsibilities that I am unable to handle right now.

I’m tired of crying, tired of anger, and just want to be able to give my family the loving, calm mom/wife i used to be. I feel very much like i live in quicksand. there is just no getting on top of anything. ever.

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tonia May 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I struggle with motivation. I feel overwhelmed with things that need to be done. I feel like my 5yo doesn’t respect me and dint know how to change it. I struggle with being away from family.

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Kari May 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Beautifully written as usual!
I struggle with the support that is lacking in our “typical” American culture. Only in the last century has the family unit shrunk down to just the man, woman, and children. I long for the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins to be around all the time. I want them all under one roof (or in houses nearby). I want to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner with a table full of people. People coming and going, in and out of the house all day. That’s what a home should look like. I would go live on a commune if I could :)
I have decided I would like to make these connections with neighbors and friends. It DOES “disrupt” our comfy little routine. It does take time and energy. But it pays off….someone around to help chop veggies, someone to make the baby laugh, someone to mow the lawn, someone to play with the baby while I catch up with the husband. Now, if only I can go find friends and neighbors that feel the same way!
I struggle with the lost connection of family these days.

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Megan May 14, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I struggle with this as well. Most of my friends left and moved when I was younger. My family has never been big. In 30 years of my life there was one year, just one, were we all lived together in a large house. Shared rooms and meals. Everyone was good at something. It was just beautiful. I miss it dearly.

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Jessica May 15, 2012 at 6:27 pm

I totally agree with you Kari, and I would go live on that commune with you any day! I am a working mom (but will be staying home with my 1yo after this school year), and living in a state with no family around us, little one and I are pretty isolated. Thankfully, no matter where we are, we have online communities to help support us- albeit not physically, emotionally can be just as important sometimes.

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Linda May 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I am struggling with the same ideas. I long for a family and connections that will never be. I fear I can’t provide a well rounded life for my child by myself. Having grown up in a family who’s parents have a poor marriage, and absolutely no extended family, my dream was to give out kids what I didn’t have. Family dinners, birthday parties, a grandmother and father, uncles and cousins.

It appears to me that no one, of blood, cares to be involved in any manner in our baby’s life. This hurts me deeply, it might be the pregnany hormones, maybe I’m just sensitive, but the idea of being one of the only two people here for my daughter deeply saddens me. I have been making a strong attempt to change my point of view and instead focus on the happy home me and my husband CAN provide by ourselves. We have a great marriage, and will have to somehow make up for the lack of love elsewhere.

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Lisa May 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I struggle with the physical demands of tending to the temporal needs of a family of 8, finding the balance between the clean house that I want and giving my kids the attention I know they need and deserve, making the time to “quality” homeschool, and having enough left in me to be a supportive wife to my husband. The pendulum constantly swings back and forth. It’s hard not to get caught up in the minutae of everyday life.

I agree that openness helps us be compassionate towards one another, and the Lord would certainly have us building each other up and not breaking each other down. I really appreciate this post and the ensuing comments. We’re in this together Moms!

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Haylea May 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I’m struggling daily with borderline personality disorder, 2 kids under 2, no SO, my son thinks he’s a dog, my dog thinks she’s queen, and the baby thinks I’m a buffet! It’s an interesting life, but I love every second of it! <3

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Marissa May 14, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I’m struggling with a lot (for me) right now. There is the guilt that I have because I didn’t fall in love with my son when he was born. He is 3yrs now and I can’t help but feel that there is something different. I do love him because he is my child and I would do anything to for him. I tried so hard to create a bond between us when he was born. I EBF him for a year until he weaned himself. And there is also that pain that my fathers side of the family left in me. I was abuse mostly by my father. I was sexually molested when I was 7yrs old by him. And he would beat my all the time. I was called horrible names by them. And they stopped right before I got pregnant. I’ve haven’t talked to anyone on my fathers side of the family for 2 years now. I never got help for everything they did to me. But I am looking now. But that pain I have hurts constantly. I feel like I’m drowning in the challenges I face everyday. I always feel like I have to fake being happy. I can’t wait for that day where I can truly be happy. I’m sorry I wrote so much. But thank you for letting me say something =]

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Lise May 14, 2012 at 5:55 pm

My heart goes out to you! I`m a firsttime single mother of a 20 month old little girl and I´m only now fully recovering from a post partum depression that started from birth through her first 4 months. I wasn`t sexually molested but grew up in a violent home and these wounds (+a bad relationship and struggles with breastfeeding) led me to feel disconnected to her. I still deal with guilt about not being the all time loving and tolerant mother she deserves, but extensive therapy the last 3 months have shown me that the journey of motherhood is also the journey to self love, self acceptance and self nurture. There IS light at the end of the tunnel for you, even if it feels like you are drowning right now! You are not alone! Get help, for your own sake and for your childs. Blessing and love.

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Lee May 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I am a first time mom to a very opinionated 1 year old. I am doing the best I can trying to raise her right (AP) but having a husband who sometimes supports me. Depends on what mood he’s in. He’s not much help because he’s the baby in the family and doesn’t have patience for kids, hopefully that will change as time goes on and we have another child one day-maybe. No one can prepare you for how hard and rewarding motherhood is. This is the most lonely and insecure journey where I am constantly second guessing myself. This has also tested my marriage like never before.
Thank you for everything that you share and everything you are! Helps me cope and realize that all moms can go thru this!

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Lindsay May 14, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Hi ladies! Nice to hear all your stories and your honesty. It’s a beautiful thing to be honest. I am now starting to be honest with myself and fiancé about how challenging and life altering motherhood is. My son is almost 4 months old and we just moved to Denver Co a month ago from MA. I am a stay at home and I find most days lonely due to the fact that I don’t know a soul here and have no support other than my fiancé when he comes home from his 10hour work day. I am trying to stay positive and get out there doing mommy and baby yoga classes, but it is a challenge! Any mommies from Denver on here please free to email me!! I hope love and gratitude embrace us all through these times!! We are strong women!!

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Natalie April 15, 2013 at 10:51 pm

Lindsay, it’s not quite in Denver, but there’s a wonderful group of mamas up in Ft Collins, and up and down the Front Range. Check out NoCo API by email or on yahoo: Northern_Colorado_API@yahoogroups.com
Peace,
Natalie

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ree May 14, 2012 at 2:26 pm

I am struggling with a severe form of the herpes simplex virus. I am lucky enough to not, so far, have ever broken out genitally. However, I struggle DAILY with outbreaks on my mouth, in and around my nose, etc. I live in constant fear that I will spread the virus to my genitals, and will lose my ability to have a natural birth. I am currently pregnant with my first child… out of wedlock, broke, tired, sick, and scared. Also, because of my poor choices as a young adult, I also contracted HPV from my dirty scoundrel of an ex… which has led to warts, 2 abnormal paps, and a constant worry this entire pregnancy if I have cancer. The first abnormal pap was a few years ago, and the last was during my first prenatal appointment. I have been told that there is nothing I can do but wait… and hope for the best. There is no way to stop passing it back and forth between myself and my current partner. I worry constantly that my baby will contract the warts and deal with malformations, etc. and in all of this? I am an advocate of natural birth. I refuse to take Acyclovir for the cold sores, as I am sure that it was a huge part in a miscarriage I had just 2 months before becoming pregnant with this child. A few weeks ago, when I broke down and used the Acyclovir topical ointment, the baby stopped kicking almost entirely during the duration of my use! Yet, all documentation of the drug say that it is safe during pregnancy! I refuse to believe this! We cannot afford the expensive most popular treatments- camu camu, oregeno oil, propolis, etc. I am stuck between a rock and hard place, as I have an outdoor job that requires I be in the sun. HELL ON EARTH!! I am constantly broken out due to breaking the diet- I NEED TO EAT NUTS. Constantly broken out due to stress- Cervical cancer, sores, money, warts, money… it’s a vicious cycle. I’m sick of avoiding all of the most nutritional foods – all of which are my FAVORITES- tomatoes and other night shades, citrus of all kinds including strawberries, melons, any kind of nut or seed, oatmeal/oats… the list goes on. I am at a loss… but… I am doing my best. I focus on natural living; though, heartbreakingly- I do use Abreva (ridiculously expensive- we spend $20 a month on .7 ozs) to attempt to quell the sores. I am using a homeopathic to little avail. I avoid the sun like the plague (I am a camper for God’s sake! A true hippie! I love the outdoors!!!! and I am stuck inside, fearing even the slightest light coming from the windows!!) I constantly have swollen eyes, lymph nodes, lips, and sinuses. This is my own personal hell. However, I am pregnant, and this baby just might make it out okay (I worry constantly that the mass amounts of stress I am under, the inability to eat at times, the herpes, the HPV, the lack of certain nutrients) have affected my baby- causing obesity, a high stress infant, colic, ADD, ADHD, gestational diabetes…. this list, too, goes on. but what can I do but hope and try?

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Lottie May 14, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Hi for cold sores I have found that l-lysine a vitamin is amazing combined with vitaminB12 complex and tea tree oil all have helped , they aren’t too expensive. Bug hugs coming out to you xxxx

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Selissa May 14, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I have herpes simplexs 1 & 2 with mostly genitle outbreaks that none of the anti-vitals (which are super expensive!) work for. I have found the best results with L-lysine orally (it is inexpensive) and tons of B-vites. Also, I use lemon balm, I use burts bee’s lemon cuticle balm, directly on the sore right as I notice the first signs. It cuts the healing time in half and sometimes even stops the outbreak. Lemon oil works too. Also I have read that beta carotine (sp?) Vite A is really good for HPV warts. Unlike other vite A Beta carotine is non-toxic plant derived, meaning your body just flushes what it doesn’t need and use. None of these things are harmful to your baby!!! Hope this helps a little.

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Elisabeth May 14, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Struggling with a couple friends who are on their way out of my life, at least for now. Struggling with telling strangers no, they cannot hold my baby. Struggling with trying to gain weight, re-lactate, and get my baby to accept the breast after a long and terrifying illness. Struggling with getting enough sleep, doing enough for my relationship with my husband, trying to find balance. Just, a lot of stuff.

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Brittany May 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I am struggling with my marriage and career. Yesterday I came to the conclusion that I may have a mild case of PPD. Sometimes I’m more certain of the reasons why I hate my husband than the reasons why I love him. I feel guilty for not being the wife he married. Sometimes he really tries to please me and I feel like it will never be good enough. Other times he doesn’t seem to try at all or know me at all and I feel defensive because I’m afraid his self-centeredness will eventually end up hurting my precious baby boy. So I try to protect my son from his own father for no reason other than he Hirt MY feelings. I also feel guilty that I am working full time and I simply do not have the time or energy to be the kind of mother I want to be. I AP and I feel like it is all I can do to breastfeed and wash cloth diapers every day after work before it’s bedtime again and time to do it all over. That leaves no time for healthy eating, exercise, my marriage or myself. I am struck with guilt everytime I think about wanting to wax my eyebrows, shave my legs or even take a shower. My home is a mess and what should be a peaceful sanctuary is filled with stress and tension. I’m starting to think my baby loves the babysitter more and I feel like I’m alone in the world. My AP style leaves me on my own because no one I know or lives nearby or even family agrees with my views. Basically my heart hurts and is numb at once. I’m not a crier, but so vulnerable right now that all these responses made me cry. I love BFW ladies! <3

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Allie May 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

My biggest struggle right now is finding the balance of being a mother but still being a wife. A lot of times I forget that my husbands needs me to pay attention to him too and I get so wrapped up in play time, bath time, bed time, cleaning, laundry, dishes and by the time I get done with all of that Im too exhausted to spend any quality time with him. It is overwhelming and I feel so much guilt not only to my husband but too my son because he isnt getting to see the best of us together as a couple and as an example.

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Megan May 14, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I haven’t figured out how, with a 4 year old and a baby on the way, to pay any “adult” attention to my fiance. I work full time. I take, and pick up my daughter at preschool. I do the laundry, dishing, shopping, cleaning, etc. By the time I have 20 minutes left, I just want to go to sleep. Not to mention my daughter doesn’t sleep. She hasn’t since the day she was born. I don’t want my fiance to think that I don’t care, but I can’t figure out where to find the time and energy he deserves.

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klboyd May 14, 2012 at 3:12 pm

oh where to start….being a single mom to three kids, at 25, in a small town where you know almost noone is not easy; compound that with full time school load (college) and a full time job – its exhausting to even get up and start my days sometimes. I had all these dreams of being a stay-at-home mom, totting kids back and forth to activities, recitals and games I feel so unbelievably guilty that my children will never have that life. they will have to hear “I just cant afford that” because there “dad” decided he wanted another life thousands of miles away from them.

I have been blessed to recently have found someone who looks past my “baggage” but considering what I dealt with, from my ex-husband I hardly feel worthy…oh how I wish I could count my blessings instead of anticipating the next like shattering event.

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Tina May 14, 2012 at 10:51 pm

I understand. Single mom of two, and he left when I was 7mo prg, working 20hr weeks (not enough to afford a household!). I’ve had that money talk more than once with my oldest, and I’m do fortunate that she’s such a great kid. I have been dating someone new as well, and while it is scary it can also be a relief to know that someone is there for the time being. One of my favorite musicians is Bif Naked, check out the songs Any Day Now and Everyday…

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klboyd May 16, 2012 at 10:26 am

I will Tina, and thanks!!

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Karen May 14, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I struggle with miss 4′s attitude, keeping the bloody house clean and then having my husband come home from work and throw out all up in the air again. They all seem to think i’m their slave.
I have recently stopped working and I am struggling majorly with that. I have always worked. Always. I went back to work when both kids were still quite young (12 weeks and 8 weeks)
I have been toying with the idea of stopping work and staying home with the kids and I just can’t seem to do it right. On top of that i’m 8 weeks pregnant with number three and I am sick all day everyday and have zero energy but i’m still expected to be the family slave.
The kids argue constantly and aaarrrrggggghhhhh!!!! It’s so frustrating!

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Shelley May 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

My heart is heavy for all these ladies. I’m not really struggling with any emotional things right now, and I have been in turmoil in the past and have an understanding of those needs. This week, I’m expecting a lot of sickness since two out of nine in our household have the flu. I will be remembering all these other comments for a little perspective as I deal with my sick ones.

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Mandy P May 14, 2012 at 5:41 pm

I really appreciate your blog. It brings me an online community of Moms and for that I am thankful. You are beautiful and know that even if you feel unsupported, we are there for you.
Peace,
Mandy

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Katie May 14, 2012 at 8:15 pm

I struggle with my high needs five month old who is so hard to keep happy, but it’s so worth it because her smile is the most beautiful thing in the world. I struggle with my parents choosing not to know me, and the way they raised me being so contrary to what I want to impart on my children. I struggle with anger and resentment over how they raised me, and how I have to be the one to break the cycle, and how even today, they refuse to see where they may have been wrong, let alone apologize. I struggle with no longer trusting them with my children, and as such feeling very, very alone on my parenting journey. I struggle with my older two, who in their earlier years did not get to experience the gentler, more present mother that I am now. I only just discovered AP and gentle discipline with the birth of my five month old and I struggle with guilt for not figuring it out sooner, and with having the patience to gently guide my family in the more positive direction that I want us to go. And finally I struggle because it is SO HARD to give something that you, yourself, have never really been given. And sometimes I just want to break down and cry, and have a mother who dries my tears, not causes more to fall, and takes care of some of my needs when I am so exhausted by seeing to the needs of everyone else in my family. I just want a mother for myself who is like the one that I am trying to be. Thank you for this opportunity to share. It has been very cathartic. I haven’t read the other responses yet but I just want to send out some love and support to all of the other mama’s here with all of their struggles. You are not alone!

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Tina May 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I was dating a guy, started in 2008- I was on birth contrl but he decided that was me being non-committal to the relationship and made it easier to cheat on him (I never did). He’d rip of my b/c patches, etc, so finally I decided to show him my commitment and try for a baby. I lost the first one, and during my month long miscarriage (in the height of bleeding and emotional turmoil) he accused me of cheating- because I had cleaned the garbage out of my car. A year later I was pregnant again and he wanted a boy. He only went to the ultra sound apt; as soon as they said LO was a girl he said “guess I’m getting a dog”. He bought a dog instead of paying utilities for two months. When I was 6mo preg, in January in mn, I got a flat tire on my car and didn’t have a tire iron or an inflated spare- I called him and all he did was bitch that I moved his Xbox and the game scratched. When I was 7mo preg he left. I was devastated, working 20hours a week. I had finished my bachelors education the same weekend he left, and when I should have been celebrating my succsess, I could only lay in bed and cry. In an act of desperation and despair about my situation, I needed some hope. I went on match.com to see if anyone would even be interested in my chaos (I also had a girl in high school who is 10 now). I found an amazing man who has given me such strength, but it’s been my own strength. He’s supportive and caring, realistic and logical. He was there for DD’s birth and she absolutely adores him. But everytime I look at her I see her ‘real’ dad and it tears at my heart what he did to me. I have such anger and hate towards his actions and I’m constantly looking over my shoulder when I’m home to see if he’ll come crawling back (he did a couple weeks before she was born but I told him to go home, and that wasn’t here). He’s made no contact, paid no child support. I’m so grateful for my SO, he wants to adopt LO, but there is so much pain in my heart and this is the only thing that I’ve never been able to tell him.

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klboyd May 16, 2012 at 10:35 am

oh my gosh Tina, can we chat some more? we have some major parralels here!! and its so good to hear that we are not alone :) I met my SO when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my 5 month old DD. I never in a million years thought anyone in their right mind would entertain the thought of taking on a very PG woman with a 5 year old and 3 year old…but he did, he was right there at our homebirth – weighing her and all and I am forever grateful! but like you I sometimes see her biological other half in some of her features and it kills me…
(I need to be saying this in the mirror) The only thing I can offer is encouragement to let go of your fears, your SO is not the same person as the other guy who left you in one of your biggest moments of needs. If he is offering to adopt your DD he is committed to you and your daughter. I also have learned within the last few weeks that if I don’t tell my SO my fears or what I am thinking he will never be able to comfort me and reassure me.

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Tina May 16, 2012 at 4:18 pm

klboyd- most definitely!! I’m on facebook but not sure if you can find me: Tina Berge (with a picture of the king from Monty Python and the Holy Grail) or else email @ thomas_943 @ yahoo

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sj May 14, 2012 at 11:24 pm

I am struggling with my constant anxiety that has returned since I had a miscarriage Easter Sunday. My husband pressured me into getting an iud and now I am afraid to be intimate for fear of getting pregnant on it and having another miscarriage. I want a baby and he doesn’t. Its making me sad and anxious. We were ttc and after the miscarriage he had second thoughts. I pretty much hate my husband for that right now.

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Tina May 16, 2012 at 4:22 pm

What I realized after my miscarriage, and the time spent healing, was that men feel just as much pain as we do- but are attempting to be our stronghold through it. This almost makes the pain worse because they cannot release it! It was probably his way of attempting to avoid feeling that pain again until you are both ready to ttc again. I was able to conceive a year after my miscarriage, but that whole year was anguish and the first trimester was torture. If it helps you at all, I had a IUD for 5 years and just got my second one- never had a miscarriage with the first and nothing with the second yet. I wish you well and send hugs :)

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Anonymous May 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I’m just struggling.

I’ve been a mom since I was 15. Dh and I married shortly after, broke up but then remarried when I was 19. We now hace two more kids. Failure (aka divorce) is not an option.

My hubby is gone 6 days a week. I am so lonely and overwhelmed. I do not have any family. The one day we have with dh is Sunday so we have church, Cub Scouts etc. Still no real time together as the kids and I fight for dh attention. I never get alone time with him let alone family time.

I’m falling apart and therefore I’ve noticed I’m not even taking care of myself. I want so much more for my family. Dh just always complains about him never getting to do what he wants. He would rather watch TV than interact with the kids & I. I’m worried about the affect this is having on my kids. And the toll its taking on me.

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Ashleigh May 20, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I struggle with the expectations my super-motivated, super organized husband has of me. Our LO is 20 months and almost constantly misbehaving. I try to keep up with them and be the best mom and wife I can be but being 8 months pregnant is draining me of my energy and making me wonder if I’ll be able to handle everything after our second son is born. I worry about breastfeeding and if I’ll be able to keep with it (I had difficulties with breastfeeding our first). I constantly wonder if one day my husband will wake up and realize that he could do so much better and decide that he doesn’t want this life anymore, I got pregnant shortly after we started dating. I love the support that this page provides and some days I think I would lose my mind without being able to look and see that I’m not the only one that stuggles getting through the day without snapping sometimes.

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Carrie July 31, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Ashleigh…my daughter is 16 months old and I am 35 weeks pregnant. I completely understand the exhaustion, the worry, the frustration with toddlers who are old enough to really push your buttons but not old enough to completely understand what is going on…and they seem to save it all up for mom, don’t they? And I totally understand the breast feeding thing too…I had huge problems with my daughter.

I wish you rest, peace, and confidence in the fact that you will have everything you need.

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Jessica May 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I struggle everyday of my life. I am 27 years old, I had my first child at 15, had another at 20, and just had my 3rd child. My husband and I just separated. I battle depression and anxiety issues that leave me sick, exhausted, and ready to give up.
But I never do.
Even when the judgement comes in from all sides. Even when my family says I am doing it wrong – I say at least I am still doing it! At least I am still trying! And I think that, most of the time, I do a pretty dang good job of raising my little family, especially considering all the odds stacked against me. But sites such as BWF help me keep going, help me remember that what’s most important is that my kids are happy and healthy, NOT what other people say!

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Ryan May 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

First of all, I’d like to thank you for something. I read all of your blogs and posts, and I rarely see religion in terms of a specific deity mentioned. I really appreciate this, and I’m sure mothers of all cultures and beliefs do, too. I do not mean to offend anyone, but I am not a religious person. Being the best mother, having the safest birth, and being the most helpful friend possible is very important to me. Being informed has helped me with all of those, and I am grateful to you and your page for that.

In terms of the post, this might sound miniscule compared to the struggles I’ve read so far, but being a neat person has been very tough for me. When I became pregnant 7 months ago, my morning sickness kept me from doing almost anything (including going to work some days) and then we moved. I started working additional hours in order to make more money so that I could stay home for a few months with this one once she’s born. I can’t seem to get out from under. Even right now I’m feeling guilty that I’m writing rather than organizing my house. The guilt is overwhelming. I keep saying that it gets better week by week, but when I come home from work and look around… I just feel terrible all over again. I moved back to my hometown for the specific purpose of having more friends and family over, but I’m too embarrassed for that.

Thanks for the vent!

p.s. I really appreciated your thread asking your readers for one thing that made their lives easier (about keeping a boppy in the car) – little tips like that can really save tears!!!

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Jillian May 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I struggle with chronic illness that has robbed me of my ability to work, has taken much of my mobility, and makes me feel inferior to other mothers. I struggle with not only physical pain, but the pain of not being able to take my kids to the park on a whim. Not being able to be the mom that I’d really like to be. I struggle with the perception others have of me. How they think it is as simple as just willing myself to feel better, or just getting out of the house, or just losing weight. I struggle because our finances tanked with me not being able to work, we lost our home, and now live with family. It isn’t ideal.

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Amber May 20, 2012 at 10:38 pm

I’m really happy. Where I struggle is in my relationship with my son’s father. He always makes me feel like I’m not doing enough. I don’t clean enough, I don’t cook enough, I don’t let him have enough time for himself. He wants me to get a job, but I can’t imagine being away from my son, who is 4 months. He makes me feel like I don’t work hard enough because I don’t leave the house and I have access to the internet, tv, and air conditioning all day long. He resents me because I am home all day with our son and he is the sole provider. Anytime I ask for help with any task he has to remind me that he works 40 hours a week. I tell him, I work 24/7, and I never get a break. I don’t get to clock out and go home for the day. Even when he gets home from work, I don’t get a break because HE is tired from being gone to work all day. He is insensitive to how hard being a stay at home mom is. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my son, and I waited 27 years for him to come into my life, I exclusively breastfeed him ever hour and a half to two hours. Sometimes he goes longer, but not often. He has a high metabolism, and he was only 5 and a half pounds when he was born, despite having been born a week late. I am trying to AP, but everyone says I am just spoiling him, including his father. On top of that he (my SO), worries that I am going to take our son away from him, since it happened to him with his ex. She didn’t work, while he did, she spent all their money, even money for bills, she paid a babysitter to watch their daughter even though she didn’t work. Then she up and left one day just because he stopped letting her blow their money. So even though I am not that type of person, I constantly give until I have nothing left. Hell, my son and my dog get bathed more often than I do, I still know that he doesn’t 100 percent trust me not to leave, and no matter what I do, it isn’t enough. We always try to make up, and we do our best to make sure we talk everything out… but sometimes I just get so frustrated and I wish I could go stay with family for a day or two without him thinking that I’m leaving him. Sometimes people just need time apart. Also, because of the way I constantly feel, I am abusive. My man is a really great guy, but he likes to pester me, and tends to do it when I’m at my worst, so I lash out at him… usually physically. I have no one to talk to about any of it because most of the people I know are selfish. I have no problem talking to them when they call with their problems, but they are too busy when I need someone. I also don’t want to make my family think that he is a bad guy because he definitely isn’t. He has just been through a lot, and I understand that… but he is not very understanding about what I’ve been through, and the way that I am. I really don’t know what to do sometimes. I do my best to focus on the great things, like my son… how amazing he is and how much I love him. His dad, how good he is to me, how much fun we have together, and how much we have changed each other’s lives for the better since the day we met. This shit’s hard… but its totally worth it.

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Maggie July 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I have struggled every day of my 10 week old sons life. A month before my son was born I found out he was cheating on me. A month, to the day, after my son was born, my mother passed away. The day she died my husband made plans with his mistress to leave us. Two days afters funeral her mother had a stroke, and she too passed away. I have spent more time in a car and at funerals. I can’t trust my husband who now “wants to make things work”. Depression is at its all time high. I don’t know how to do it anymore.

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Emily July 31, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I’m a young single mom to a wonderful, almost 3 month old, baby boy. My parents live 3 hours away so I’m basically on my own. Im on the job search, looking for a trustworthy and loving individual to care for my baby while I’m working, dealing with ppd, and trying to get over a freshly broken heart. Today, the sky feels like it’s falling down on me. I know tomorrow is a new day and there is hope, but I’m still trying to survive today, taking it one breath at a time. Hopeful for the future.

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Falish July 31, 2012 at 2:57 pm

oh the struggles of my last year. I husband was deployed so he missed the birth of our first son. We are not like minded and I prefer the natural approach to whatever it is I am doing. I had a beautiful natural birth in the hospital. He was not there so can’t grasp what I went through. He IS SO not supportive with my cloth diapering, breastfeeding, attachment ways. :(( sad faces times 100. and now he has filed for divorce and I am left jobless and broken. Our son is beautiful, smart, strong, outgoing and perfectly healthy. I’m trying to make it day by day, but doing this alone hurts more than I thought it would.

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Katina July 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I’m at a place in my life where something is missing but I don’t know what it is. I live in Utah and lds but I’m not active. Im to the point that I’m being judged for everything I do. Mormons in Utah are so different than other Mormons in other states. That’s what I hear all the time. I love raising a family here (born and raised) but I feel like something is missing and I always talk about moving. I stress all the time cause of money!! I hate it lol making sure I’m being a good mother and wife. I struggle daily that my husband left me and he slept with another women though not sure if sex was involved. We worked it out and are together and I love him dearly. He helps so much with our 4 children that I’m very thankful for that. I need friends but I worry so much about religion that I don’t have any friends because of it. Judgement is a big thing here and I’m done with it all. Anyone in Utah I would love to meet new people and not feel like I have to impress you. BWF I live your page and blog and love to hear what you have to say :)

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Carrie July 31, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I struggle to be enough every day…to be the best mom, to try to teach my daughter well, to be a good wife, to do the daily tasks, to get enough work done to keep my head above water n my many jobs that I do from home.

I struggle to have confidence in myself, to see myself in a positive way, because any time I don’t accomplish everything I want to do, I think it’s a failure of my fundamental character.

I struggle to exercise faith and do what I know I should be doing when sometimes it feels like one more thing I have to do.

I struggle to be patient in these last weeks of pregnancy. I struggle to believe tht I have the capacity to do everything I am doing now and take care of a newborn.

On a purely practical note, I struggle to keep my temper when my kid keeps hitting…and to try to teach her by words and example that kindness is the answer. It’s sometimes really hard.

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rachael July 31, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I just feel alone. I have 5 girls so I’m NEVER actually alone I just always feel like I am. My boyfriend works all the time and when hes home he is usually playing computer games or watching Tv, I feel like I spend my whole life waiting for him and he would always rather be doing something else. I wish I had a job so that I could atleast be around other adults sometimes but I don’t have anyone to watch my girls. My father has never even met my kids and my mom never babysits, I don’t even ask her Bc she just laughs in my face. I feel like a prisoner. I had horrible ppd after my youngest daughter was born 9 months ago and I feel a lot better now but sometimes I just feel so hopeless. I know that I am very blessed and my girls are my whole world but I just don’t know who I am anymore, I don’t know how to talk to other people Bc I’m never around other people. I just turned 29 and and my oldest will be 10 this month so ive been a mom for a decade, it goes by so fast! I just want to be someone that they can be proud of and I want them to always feel loved and cherished and to know that they can always come to be Bc I will be here for them no matter what.

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Kellan July 31, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I am struggling in a world that is increasingly foreign to me. To get my son back. To find a job. To be the mom that my daughter needs me to be. To not lose her. To be a stand-in mom to my niece. I want to keep doing well in school. I need to find a church to start attending on a regular basis. To HAVE a relationship with Jesus Christ – not just be saved. I’d love to help contribute something to mine & my best friend’s place other than food stamps. I desperately NEED a break from these kids! (Don’t get me wrong, I adore them…but I am kid-fried!) Through all my down times, I need to keep a positive, cheerful outlook – not always a difficult thing, considering I’m a natural optimist…but it can become a hard-won struggle. Those are just the brief interludes into my troubles and struggles, Miss January. However, I want to thank you for allowing us to all open up to each other about these hard things. *hugs*

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Jenn July 31, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I’m fighting postpartum depression while my husband fights with the reemergence of trauma reactions resulting from losing his first daughter at 5 months old to SIDS. I’m also dealing with my nephew’s abandonment issues resulting from his parents being in and out of his life over the past 3 years (he’ll be four next month) while they struggle with their own drug and mental health issues, worrying about my sister as she struggles through opiate addiction and severe bipolar disorder, my mother’s general reaction to this, and being back at work myself after having my son 3 months ago with a birth that went everywhere but where I planned and wanted (though it was all for justifiable reasons, I still hate it). It’s hard to be the rock for the world when you are feeling overwhelmed yourself.

Thank you for this.

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