So there I am in the middle of enjoying a lovely afternoon with my boys, rounding it off with a quick stop at the grocery store to grab a few items for dinner when my fantastic mood is brought to a screeching halt. This is what happened…
We get in the checkout line and my four-year-old son begins to help me unload the cart onto the conveyor belt, while my one-year-old son babbles on excitedly. As we approach the clerk, she starts to make polite small talk and asks my older son about his day, etc, etc…
Before we can complete the transaction and get on our way, she throws out the most dreaded question she possibly could, “So… how far along are you?”
Mind you, I am not currently expecting, so she basically just called me “fat” to my face.
At this point I’m torn between my two possible (and justified) reactions; blow it off and pretend like it’s no big deal (even though it is, because, what the heck, she just called me fat!) or be mildly confrontational and make a point to demonstrate how insulting the person just was and let them know that, “No, it’s not a baby, it’s just a big, fat belly. Thanks.”
Why do people put themselves into that much of a conversation with random strangers anyway? For the record, the photo below shows what my belly looks like when I am actually pregnant (around 27 weeks) and it looks NOWHERE close to my stomach currently. Yeah, I still have some of my baby weight from my most recent pregnancy, but I would say that my size would definitely put me more into a “questionable category” rather than an “oh-yeah-she’s-obviously-packin’-baby-in-there category.”
Which leads me to my point; if you can’t tell that someone is pregnant and they do not offer up said information, then there is NO need to ask. Period. Any woman who has ever been pregnant will either choose to keep that blessed information to themselves, because honestly, it’s intimate knowledge and isn’t any of the clerk’s business! Or she will be shouting it from the rooftops, anxious to inform all she meets about her wonderful news. Basically, unless a woman is actually HOLDING a baby and standing on a corner SHOUTING about her pregnancy and labor details, do not pry into her life and potentially ruin everyone’s day.
My youngest son is now 16 months old and I have probably been asked that question by roughly 12 people (read: strangers) since he was born. Sometimes this even happens when I’m having, what I believe to be, a “skinny” day and feeling really good about my body, only to have that come crashing down by six tiny words. You might think that after so many instances I would be able to laugh it off, and trust me, I have a pretty keen sense of humor, but no, damn it, it isn’t funny the second, third, or ninth time!
(Okay, so it IS a bit funny when you sarcastically thank them for calling you fat, and make them feel horribly uncomfortable, but it only lasts for a moment…)
So, please, heed my advice and spread it to all that you know: If you feel compelled to ask, YOU SHOULDN’T! Seriously. Just don’t. This is good advice for many facets in life. I promise that if a woman is indeed expecting and deems it necessary for you to know about it, then you will whether you want to or not!
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
I would like to add that even if a woman is clearly pregnant, don’t touch her!
I was a waitress and my customers would reach out and grab my belly!!! SERIOUSLY – I DON’T KNOW YOU. Would you touch me if I weren’t pregnant? I didn’t think so.
I sometimes had people ask me “can I touch your belly?” You might think this is better, because, hey, at least they asked – but it’s not. My response was typically “sure, you can touch mine if I can touch yours.” That usually stopped them in their tracks.
LOVE your response to “can I touch your belly” <3 I was SO sick of being treated like my belly all of a sudden was public property while pregnant… wish i had thought of your response
<3
Oh… The fat or pregnant game… I don’t show til way late in pregnancy… And this pregnancy the only thing I wanted was for someone to ask when I was due or something lol… I was like really is it that questionable… It’s such a crummy situation… I don’t think there is anything more beautiful that a preggo woman in all her glory! And I think that should be acknowledged
I had a lady I knew pat me on the belly a month after we got back from our honeymoon and smile knowingly and ask me when I was due. We were indeed trying but I was not yet pregnant, just depressed, miserable and comfort eating and I’d gained about 10kg since our wedding. I was mortified and it did nothing to help my mood.
Later on when we were pregnant (read 3-4 months) I was showing a fair bit as bubba was pushing my belly fat up and I looked like I was 5-6 months along. People would rub the upper part of my belly (again without asking) and I would just tell them (smirking all the while) that they were rubbing my fat and that the baby was several inches lower. They were welcome to rub down there if they really wanted but not to go too low. You’d think my belly was made of red hot lava given the speed they’d move their hands.
My other pet hate was people asking the sex (or the type?!?!) of baby you were having. A HUMAN one!
Oh the NOT knowing where to rub was annoying! I would try to hint by pointing & saying “Here he is” or “this is where I feel the most movement”… But I think most people feel uncomfortable touching others below the belly button- as if everything below the belly button is “private” but above is not? One thing I learned was to TAKE their hand & PUT it in the right spot..
PP, I’ve been known to grope other people’s body parts when they grope my big ole’ preggo belly. They get the hint really fast LOL! So glad I don’t have to deal with that one again!
I agree! Unfortunately I had to ask a woman once because I am the manager at a rafting company and she was about to go whitewater rafting. I felt horrible after I asked but I had to! I hope I never have to do such a thing again!
My second son was stillborn and every time some one asked when my baby was due it was like they were twisting a knife in my stomach. Not only did I feel fat, but it made me miss my son all the more.
I have to confess, one day it was just too much, and I finally blurted out that my baby was dead. I felt like if someone was going to so rudely intrude on such a personal topic I could be honest. I was so tired of politely saying I wasn’t pregnant. That was a horrible year. NEVER ask a woman if she’s pregnant.
When I’m pregnant I always feel sad that nobody says anything to me because my girlfriends always talk about being approached, but then I remember the time my mom asked a woman when she was due and found out that she was actually miscarrying and waiting for contractions to start on their own. I have never asked a woman since– you just never know and don’t want to make anyone, in any situation, uncomfortable.
I was just asked this recently. “How far along. Are you? About 3 months? “Nope, just my food baby from lunch, jerk”
I had a super weird cashier at Walmart ask me some pretty intimate questions once. I was about 9 months pregnant and really big, so of course he asked me if I was “expecting” but then he kept going asking things like “can you feel the baby moving inside you?” and “do you think it will hurt to give birth?” The way he phrased things grossed me out and I seriously felt like he would have tried to touch me if there hadn’t been a counter between us. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Its almost like since people can see the physical proof that you are pregnant, that gives them license to say weird stuff and breech personal boundaries.
I have a fake due date in my head at all times.
This is so frustrating. I had this happen to me when a friend of ours and her husband had just found out they were expecting. We were in the checkout line talking excitedly about it together, then as I approach to pay for my food, the woman asks, “So, when are you due?” I very calmly turned to her and said, “I’m not pregnant, but I’ve got a food baby due in 4-6 hours.” She was mortified and my husband was trying his best not to laugh, but seriously? Just don’t ask!!!
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the hospital 3 days after my c-section and one of the employees looked at my 3 day old son and said, “when is your next one due?” I almost fell over.
I’ve been asked many times too. One especially embarrassing (for her, not me) was when I was asked a few months after I’d miscarried. It was a colleague of my mother’s so when she congratulated me I thought my mom had told her. So I explained that she must not had heard, but that I’d had a miscarriage. She apologized but didn’t give up there. She started saying that my belly must still be showing because of that, etc. I miscarried at 8 weeks in February and this was in June… yeah, I don’t think I was still showing, or ever showed for that matter. Also, speaking to my mom afterwards, she’d never told anyone at work since I was only 8 weeks… I wonder if she’ll ever ask anyone again if they’re pregnant?
This is something I have dealt with repeatedly throughout my life as well. It always throws me but I always try to laugh it off. The most devastating one was on my honeymoon, many years pre-children. I was all dolled up, feeling really good, and the waiter said, “Hold on, let me guess…8 months right?”. And, when we were silent, he went on, explaining what a pro he was at guessing since he and his wife were expecting. When my husband corrected him, he wouldn’t believe us at first. He couldn’t believe he wasn’t right! And then he spent the entire meal, cautiously approaching our table in disbelief. Needless to say, I had lost my appetite.
I have learned over time though that their ignorance doesn’t have to hurt me. I can always lose weight but they will never gain tact.
I got this lovely question at a Starbucks to which I replied “It’s just a food baby”. I think she could see the hurt in my eyes through my sarcastic voice. As one gal was finishing my drink (which I had no desire to drink at this point, thinking of all the calories it contains) Ms. Whenareyoudue walks around the counter, gives me a warm hug, and HANDS ME A STARBUCKS GIFTCARD! What!? An “I’m sorry your fat” gift? As if I would ever return to this particular store again, she added insult to injury instead of just taking the joke and letting it go. Skim milk in my latte next time I guess…
I think that was very nice of her, and a sweet way to apologize for a tactless moment.
I was asked, 3 days post-partum, with my clearly newborn son in his carrier right next to me, when I was due. The guy had already mocked my husband and I for saying, after 3 days as parents, that it was the best experience we’d ever had. Then, knowing I had a 3 day old, he asked THE QUESTION. I was completely floored by his stupidity. And I felt REALLY bad for his expecting wife. You don’t just have the baby and then peel the belly off, jerk.
This is such a great post.
As someone mentioned above, pregnant women are beautiful. So are ‘fluffy’ women, so are ‘overweight’ women, so are skinny-minny women. But a skinny body, somewhat reminiscent of an adolescent boy with boobs, is the ideal in our society. When someone asks if you’re pregnant, they’re not saying they’re saying, ‘I see you don’t fit the idealized body shape,’ not, ‘You’re ugly’. In fact, they might also think you’re beautiful. But I know that doesn’t excuse it.
I had a woman ask me when I was due just last spring. I’m on the slender side, but I’ve also always had a big belly. I think people think it all the time, but aren’t sure – and thankfully, she’s the only person who has ever had the nerve to ask (when I wasn’t actually preggers). I had to tell her that our baby was 10 months old already, but she didn’t seem to think she had made any kind of a gaffe. I felt bad. But I also felt kind of rebellious, like ‘yeah, this is my body, take it or leave it.’
@Cassidy, a good solution to that problem – I read it somewhere on Fb – is for the person who’s managing the theme park/rafting trip to ask EVERYBODY in line if they’re pregnant. Make a joke out of it, even asking little kids. That way the woman you’re not sure about isn’t singled out and might not feel embarrassed.
@Cathy, sounds like your cashier had a birth fetish. Birth is beautiful and sensual but that’s kind of icky.
Thank goodness for the counter between you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post. I have never been pregnant, but have always carried a lot of weight in my belly region. I am 5′ 3″ and 165 lbs, I am curvy and overweight, but not obese (both by my standards and according to the BMI). There have been multiple occasions throughout the years when people have asked me if I am pregnant or how far along I am. Usually I am pretty good at letting those comments roll off my back, but recently I had a particularly traumatic encounter that has stuck with me. I have been searching for a place to share this story.
I am a doula and recently I was at a rally to increase awareness and support for evidence-based maternity care*. While there I met a woman who specializes in helping mothers with postpartum diastasis through fitness exercises and stretching. A few seconds after our introductions she asked how far along I was. I said I wasn’t actually pregnant and brushed off her comment because I was at birth rally, had a larger tummy, and most of the people at the rally were pregnant or new moms. I thought it was rude for her to ask, but forgivable given the circumstances. But then, after hearing that I was not pregnant, she looked straight at my stomach, then back up to me with pity eyes and said, “oh you must have recently had a baby then.” In my head I though, “you have got to be kidding me, stop making me feel like I am so fat that there HAS to be a baby in there now or I MUST have been pregnant recently because there is no way I am just that fat,” but for the sake of keeping the peace I politely replied with, “actually I don’t have any kids.” She didn’t stop there. She proceeded to try to comfort me by telling me that one of her girlfriends also struggles with people constantly thinking she is pregnant. So now she is basically saying that with the way I look, people must be assuming I am pregnant left and right and I should take comfort knowing that there are other fatties out there who look pregnant all the time. Then she has the gal to tell me that non-pregnant women can also have diastasis and I should contact her if I want help reshaping my mid-section, aka help not looking so tragically fat without actually being pregnant. And throughout this whole interaction she was smiling and cheery, not looking the least bit embarrassed or guilty for her incorrect assumptions.
I was so mad, I still am. No wonder women have eating disorders, no wonder women have medically unnecessary surgery to fit our society’s narrowly defined image of normalcy and beauty. It’s hard enough for someone to assume you are pregnant when you’re not, but it is a whole other level of hurt when someone, especially someone who works in the field of maternal health, can’t believe that they were mistaken when they thought you were big enough to be pregnant. Shame on that woman, shame on all people who make others feel like there must be something wrong or different about their bodies just because they are bigger or curvier. Moral of the story: It is NOT acceptable to ask a woman if she is pregnant and the ONLY time is it acceptable to ask, “how far along are you,” is if the woman you are talking to has chosen to tell you she is pregnant and even then it is her own freakin’ body and she is under no obligation to share that information with you.
* http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2012/08/17/improving-birth-national-rally-wow
My friend Kelly lost 5 babies late in her pregnancies with them, so only 3 of her 8 babies are on earth with us here. She was constantly getting questions about her belly, people asking her how far she was along, and it tore at her emotionally and spiritually. She was doing everything she could – pilates, yoga, etc. – to get rid of it, but it just got bigger. Then she realized that she was a licensed physical therapist but was failing to connect the dots with her own body. On the verge of having surgery, she did some research and discovered she had a WIDE and DEEP diastasis recti which is a split in the abdominals that makes women look pregnant when they’re not. She and I now work together in our community, and I love her dearly. She has a real heart for moms who have lost babies like herself. Here’s a link to her story > http://www.thetummyteam.com/About_us.html
I am not now, nor have I ever, been pregnant, but I’ve been asked this dreaded question on five separate occasions over the last few years. I always want to say, “I’m just fat. Thanks.” Instead, I just say I’m not, as my face burns with shame, and they sputter to come up with a response. I used to be really skinny, but once I started gaining weight, the questions started rolling in. I’m 5’8″ and was asked this at about 150-160 lbs (3 times), and later at 200 lbs. Last time I checked, 160 lbs at 5’8″ was not even overweight, not that it should even matter. Just two years earlier, I was asked if I was anorexic. Now, I get comments from family about what I should and shouldn’t eat (Since I’m overweight, I obviously need help with these decisions. Wrong.)
Bottom line, people are nosy and mean.
I am a checker, and i do ask people about their pregnancies because i think it is super exciting! since i had a miscarriage with my twins. i get my happiness from other peoples pregnancies (I know its weird) but it helps me cope with my loss. But if i can’t tell if someone is pregnant i never ask! but if its obvious like people that hold their bellies, or they are wearing belly bands and pregnancy shirts than i ask. Not otherwise.
The only time I have been asked was when my baby was 3 days old. She was still in the NICU and I came home to change. My great uncle had Alzheimers and asked when I was having a baby. The combination of postpartum hormones and missing my baby made me cry for hours.
My daughter has made the “Mommy looks like she has a baby in her tummy hahaha” comments a few times too. Wishful thinking on her part I think
I would never ask. It definitely is impolite. However, I’m 22 weeks along and I can’t wait for a stranger to ask me how far along I am so I can reply ” for what? What do you mean?” And be totally awkward for a minute until I finally admit I’m joking and tell them how far along. I wanna do that so bad. Haha
The only time it is acceptable to comment on a woman’s pregnant state (assuming you don’t know her): if you happen to see a small child emerging from her birth canal. Other than that, none of your business, keep it to yourself. Even if you have the best intentions, keep it to yourself. And also, don’t touch the belly, don’t even ask if you can touch the belly. I got so sick of people (strangers) asking to touch my belly. So I finally started saying yes, and just as they rubbed mine I would rub theirs. They would say, “What are you doing?” and look shocked and offended that I had touched them. Well, yeah, how do you think I feel. Would you ask to touch my stomach of you didn’t think I was pregnant? I realize people mean well and are just finding joy in new life (which, I admit, is refreshing in a culture that seems to view children as little more than an inconvenience), but invasion of personal space and privacy is the same, pregnancy or no. For my next pregnancy, I’m getting one of those shirts to wear in public that says : If you didn’t put it there, don’t ask to touch it.
I am not overly large, an australian size 12. I have issues with food intolerance and my stomach bloats easily. I have had people ask about the baby (some even rubbing my ‘belly’), and even when i say i’m not pregnant, they have the gall to not believe me and act as though i’m lying!
One of my mom’s friends did this too me… I had just walked into Mom’s house and set the carseat with my five month old down… Mom’s friend comes over, asks when I’m due and accompanies it with a belly rub (I HATE being touched without permission)… Of course I have to point out that DD is 5 months old and I’m not preggers.
I still wonder if my mom put her up to it as she has always had body image issue and tried to pass them to me… The fact I weigh more that she considers acceptable drives her nuts but if she doesn’t think I will be accepting of her “suggestions” (read: criticisms) she tells me someone else said them (friend, aunt whatever)
Yes! It is downright rude, and can be so hurtful. I heard of someone who asked this question of a woman to discover she was suffering from bowel cancer which caused her stomach to swell.
What is also inappropriate to ask is when someone is going to get pregnant. Who knows how much heartache they may have gone through already, the miscarriages, the infertility?
I found that with all my pregnancies i had the opposite insult of (@ 38wks pregnant)people would say “I didnt realise you were pregnant…when r u due?” n the shocked response of “so soon!” “Gee you hide it welll” was always the oops covered up… arghhhh. Having had 4 kids n always the same comment I found it offensive. As a midwife, I know, that I clearly looked pregnant from about 24 wks on, because the pot belly was not a pot any more!
I was asked if I was pregnant and though I wasn’t.. Turns out I was!