I recently wrote a blog post on how to have a positive experience with a cesarean birth. While we discuss the high rates of c-sections and unnecessary interventions, it’s easy to forget that sometimes they are necessary and when used in those necessary circumstances, they are a blessing. Nicolle shares her two cesarean births, what led to them and has a very important message…A Cesarean is Not a Failure. ~Mrs. BWF
Two Cesarean Births
When I was 19, I became pregnant with my first child after 2 months of TTC. We were thrilled. I read up in a lot of books, on the Internet, advice from friends who had children on what do when the day came to have my baby. I wanted a water birth at home. My in-laws didn’t like the idea and ended up talking me into seeing an OB they were friends with.
I was “due” December 22, 2008 with a baby girl. After that date, she wanted to see me every day, a few days passed and one day to another my placenta was full of calcifications and rated a grade 3 placenta. She said she couldn’t induce me, because I was not dilated. She wanted to do the c-section that day, which was Christmas Day. I asked to come back the next day to see. She said if I wasn’t there the next day she washed her hands of all responsibility.
I wanted to cry. I never had even cracked open the c-section part of the books, because this just doesn’t happen to someone like ME! I prayed for contractions to start, to dilate just a pinch so that she could induce me. I felt like I was getting pushed into this. I thought a few days more and this baby will come.
I called a few of my birth fanatic friends who told me I needed to do the c-section. I was just too afraid to trust my instincts and go against the doctor, so I went in December 26th for my c-section. I told myself on the way to the clinic that I could do this. I prayed for strength and peace. At the clinic I called my dad (I’m in Mexico, he’s in the U.S.). He prayed for me and then I proceeded to the operating room.
God gave me so much peace. The visions I had earlier were of me running away before they could give me the epidural. I was calm and let them do their job. When the anesthesia wore off, I have never been in so much pain in my life. I was unsure of what I had submitted myself to, why did I do this, it hurts so much. I looked at my daughter and didn’t know her, I didn’t love her. It was a stranger and she remained a stranger for 3 weeks. We were discharged the following day, in a lot of pain.
I never thought there was anything wrong in having a c-section. I was proud I did something I was afraid of for my daughter. That is, until a midwife friend of ours told me there was something wrong with me and that I needed prayer and deliverance from my c-section. Then I started to read.
I found ICAN, Unnescesarean, Birth Without Fear, and other pages that started to mold my thinking, but then I also started looking down on people who had c-sections, and I started looking down on myself. My next baby would be a VBAC, and if it wasn’t a VBAC, I wasn’t a woman.
When my daughter was 15 months old, we got pregnant again after 8 months of TTC. We were thrilled. I searched and searched until I found a midwife here in my town who was American like me…it was the best thing ever! She was everything I wanted. She asked for my health history that my last OB didn’t even know. She asked about our family life and felt like a friend.
But then I started to feel deep inside me, in my spirit that God was saying, “No, this isn’t the lady you want”. I felt something was wrong. She messed around in a lot of spiritual stuff. When she came to my house she laughed at our Christian music streaming from IHOP in Kansas City. Something screamed NO! My husband felt it too, but left it to my choice. I prayed to see signs and I saw them, but I decided to keep going my way.
Nothing was going to break my chance of a VBAC. If I went for an OB here, it was a sure c-section as the rate here is 85% in private hospitals. I did not want to give birth in the government hospitals as I have friends that have gone there and lost babies and had bad experiences. God kept whispering “no” and I kept yelling “yes”.
Then, one day I started having blurring vision and I was horribly swollen. I went down to the a government clinic, because my midwife was not answering. I also had high blood pressure. They wanted me down at the government hospital ASAP. I was scared. I was alone as my husband was at church doing worship. Someone called him and everyone rushed down for me. Luckily a doctor who goes to the church was there, so she took care of me in my home.
I started getting steroid shots, because I was only 36 weeks and they wanted the baby out very soon. I finally understood. This was NOT punishment. This was God talking a little louder…this lady is not the midwife for you. Still I didnt listen. I started seeing an OB and my midwife never really called to see how I was .I was still contemplating birthing with her at home, but she started developing an attitude and one day she called me.
“Are you HBACing with me or can I go be a doula to another mom?” I was heart broken and called back later to tell her I would keep going with the OB.
My blood pressure was very high and I felt very sick and we decided a c-section was the best route for me this time. I told him my fears and he made it the best c-section he could. God was there in the room with us and it made for an amazing birthing experience.
I had Malachi at 8:00 AM and was home 24 hours later with little pain and a great bonding experience with Malachi and with my daughter. I was even able to breastfeed this time around, because the bonding was there this time. I give God the glory for all of this.
Remember, just because you had a c-section it does not make you any less of a woman, a bad mom or anything anyone else would like to tell you. Sometimes we have to listen to God and sometimes it’s not what we want to do, but what we need to do it. I promise you He will be there with you every step of the way, even during the scariest times! He is faithful.